Sunday, Aug 22 2010
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I just had what I think may turn out to have been a career epiphany - similar to the one I had a few years ago that prompted me to starting looking for the next thing, which turned into my current thing. Well, I have again been looking for the next thing, but without a clear goal in mind - other than something other than where Iím at.
I realized that perhaps my ultimate goal is a Chief Compliance Officer position. I will need to more research and talking to existing CCOs (I actually know a few) to see if this is really something Iíd enjoy doing. And if so, then I need to figure out how to grow myself to make it happen - such as concentrating on few key projects in my current role, figuring how what designations might help, what professional associations are out there, and maybe some further formal education, although that will be last on list given finances. Unless I change jobs where its paid for.
Anyway, Iím not going to over think this right now, but wanted to jot it down while I had the time and opportunity.
In talking to my sister this week, I was able to articulate some of my current sources of anxiety. None of which are large in and of themselves, but together seem to eating at me. And since I am on a constant mission to not let my anxieties run my life, I thought Iíd try to write through some of them.
One of the biggest areas of anxiety or stress for me is that I really canít get on the computer while at home without taking deliberate time away from the kids. Which is hard for me to condone doing. So, even when I do do it, I feel guilty. It may sound silly, but not being on the computer at home means I canít job search, canít look thinks up that donít have to do with my day job, canít journal, canít log food, etc. this leaves me feeling like there is an endless list of things I want to think about, research, learn or write about, but canít because I donít have the time or space. Our computer is in the home office / guest room on the lower level which is usually away from kids. And although I may disagree, Steve really doesnĎt want Ellie in this room, so I would need to be able to use the computer elsewhere in the house. And although I tried to get my old wireless router to work, it wouldnít.
So I finally called our internet service provided and found out they will switch my current modem to a wireless modem for only 3 dollars more a month. This will allow me to bring the computer to the main floor and use it while the kids are watching their 2 TV shows before bedtime. Itís a huge relief to me to know this will be available to me once I get the new modem installed next week.
A second area of anxiety for me is that right now I have no trips officially planned in the foreseeable future. I have tentative plans, but nothing in stone. I love my children, and I love my husband, and there is nothing unendurable about my day to day life, so I am bit dismayed at how panicky I feel at not having that next escape out there in front of me to look forward to. I can create a trip and make it happen (and believe me, I know how ridiculous this sounds- there a probably a lot of people out there who would love to have the time, space, finances, ability to get away and canít and here I am one week out of a 5 day trip to California, already worked up about it all), but I think my goal is to learn to live a bit more comfortably in limbo without that future escape out there, at least for a few weeks.
A third area of anxiety is weight, as always. Iím at 135.8 right now, which is about 5 lbs more than I want to be. I am finally going to get my BMR tested on Monday. I doubt I will get game changing information, but it will help my mind and thinking to have had this done. That said, whatever it is, I think I realized just this morning (a morning full of epiphanies, I guess) that I need to manage my hunger. Even when I eat lots of good fiber and protein and good fats, I am STILL almost always hungry - even at maintenance level calories. So, maybe I need to look into something artificial to help manage my appetite. I wouldnít necessarily want it in order to lose weight, but if I knew I could live WITHOUT HUNGER during maintenance, I think Iíd feel less persecuted and discouraged by the whole endeavor. Again, I know how this sounds - but I also know there are people who are plenty full on 1200 calories a day. Or even 1600 calories a day. Iím just not one of them. So, thatís another thing I want to research.
A fourth area of anxiety is finances. We have a rental home that will either need to be sold or rented out again in May of 2011. Finding the reserves to be able to pay that mortgage without offsetting rent for an undetermined amount of time is weighing on me. And if it goes on the market, weíll probably have to put money into in to it and not see the return in the selling price. I did set up a automatic savings account that will pull $100 / month from our checking account, which I like. It happened in a strange and somewhat unpleasant way - Steve manages our money on a day to day basis, but it takes a lot for me to give up the worrying about it. He finally suggested after a few unproductive conversations about it that I set up an account to make myself feel better. And I did, and Iím really glad I did, but Iím also a bit irritated with myself that it took him giving Ďpermissioní to do it, to do it. We have a number house projects that need doing that will be pricey - finishing the lower level bath, taking out some oaks with oak wilt, a new driveway and some landscaping, a/c issues, a few key pieces of furniture. We may have some mold in the lower level. Its been an inordinately moist summer.
The last and final area of anxiety is work, of course. I canít / shouldnít go into much, and it wouldnít even really be productive to do so, but it affects me so it affects everything else in my life. I will continue to do my best to manage it, but it does take a toll. This may be part of why I want a trip, a get-away to look forward to.
Okay, Iím going to leave these issues a long for now.