LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Sunday, Aug 22 2010

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I just had what I think may turn out to have been a career epiphany - similar to the one I had a few years ago that prompted me to starting looking for the next thing, which turned into my current thing. Well, I have again been looking for the next thing, but without a clear goal in mind - other than something other than where I’m at.

I realized that perhaps my ultimate goal is a Chief Compliance Officer position. I will need to more research and talking to existing CCOs (I actually know a few) to see if this is really something I’d enjoy doing. And if so, then I need to figure out how to grow myself to make it happen - such as concentrating on few key projects in my current role, figuring how what designations might help, what professional associations are out there, and maybe some further formal education, although that will be last on list given finances. Unless I change jobs where its paid for.

Anyway, I’m not going to over think this right now, but wanted to jot it down while I had the time and opportunity.

In talking to my sister this week, I was able to articulate some of my current sources of anxiety. None of which are large in and of themselves, but together seem to eating at me. And since I am on a constant mission to not let my anxieties run my life, I thought I’d try to write through some of them.

One of the biggest areas of anxiety or stress for me is that I really can’t get on the computer while at home without taking deliberate time away from the kids. Which is hard for me to condone doing. So, even when I do do it, I feel guilty. It may sound silly, but not being on the computer at home means I can’t job search, can’t look thinks up that don’t have to do with my day job, can’t journal, can’t log food, etc. this leaves me feeling like there is an endless list of things I want to think about, research, learn or write about, but can’t because I don’t have the time or space. Our computer is in the home office / guest room on the lower level which is usually away from kids. And although I may disagree, Steve really doesn‘t want Ellie in this room, so I would need to be able to use the computer elsewhere in the house. And although I tried to get my old wireless router to work, it wouldn’t.

So I finally called our internet service provided and found out they will switch my current modem to a wireless modem for only 3 dollars more a month. This will allow me to bring the computer to the main floor and use it while the kids are watching their 2 TV shows before bedtime. It’s a huge relief to me to know this will be available to me once I get the new modem installed next week.

A second area of anxiety for me is that right now I have no trips officially planned in the foreseeable future. I have tentative plans, but nothing in stone. I love my children, and I love my husband, and there is nothing unendurable about my day to day life, so I am bit dismayed at how panicky I feel at not having that next escape out there in front of me to look forward to. I can create a trip and make it happen (and believe me, I know how ridiculous this sounds- there a probably a lot of people out there who would love to have the time, space, finances, ability to get away and can’t and here I am one week out of a 5 day trip to California, already worked up about it all), but I think my goal is to learn to live a bit more comfortably in limbo without that future escape out there, at least for a few weeks.

A third area of anxiety is weight, as always. I’m at 135.8 right now, which is about 5 lbs more than I want to be. I am finally going to get my BMR tested on Monday. I doubt I will get game changing information, but it will help my mind and thinking to have had this done. That said, whatever it is, I think I realized just this morning (a morning full of epiphanies, I guess) that I need to manage my hunger. Even when I eat lots of good fiber and protein and good fats, I am STILL almost always hungry - even at maintenance level calories. So, maybe I need to look into something artificial to help manage my appetite. I wouldn’t necessarily want it in order to lose weight, but if I knew I could live WITHOUT HUNGER during maintenance, I think I’d feel less persecuted and discouraged by the whole endeavor. Again, I know how this sounds - but I also know there are people who are plenty full on 1200 calories a day. Or even 1600 calories a day. I’m just not one of them. So, that’s another thing I want to research.

A fourth area of anxiety is finances. We have a rental home that will either need to be sold or rented out again in May of 2011. Finding the reserves to be able to pay that mortgage without offsetting rent for an undetermined amount of time is weighing on me. And if it goes on the market, we’ll probably have to put money into in to it and not see the return in the selling price. I did set up a automatic savings account that will pull $100 / month from our checking account, which I like. It happened in a strange and somewhat unpleasant way - Steve manages our money on a day to day basis, but it takes a lot for me to give up the worrying about it. He finally suggested after a few unproductive conversations about it that I set up an account to make myself feel better. And I did, and I’m really glad I did, but I’m also a bit irritated with myself that it took him giving ‘permission’ to do it, to do it. We have a number house projects that need doing that will be pricey - finishing the lower level bath, taking out some oaks with oak wilt, a new driveway and some landscaping, a/c issues, a few key pieces of furniture. We may have some mold in the lower level. Its been an inordinately moist summer.

The last and final area of anxiety is work, of course. I can’t / shouldn’t go into much, and it wouldn’t even really be productive to do so, but it affects me so it affects everything else in my life. I will continue to do my best to manage it, but it does take a toll. This may be part of why I want a trip, a get-away to look forward to.

Okay, I’m going to leave these issues a long for now.

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7 comments so far.


7 years ago

I hope you've gotten started with your research and exploring, since it sounds like you need to get out of where you are--STAT!

Come meet Deb and me for dinner tomorrow. That can be your next trip. Or really, come meet us for dinner anytime. You can stay in my guest room. I'll find a CCO for you to talk to, and you can write it off as a business trip. :wink3:




7 years ago

Just catching up...the work epiphany sounds right to me. Seems like the kind of job you'd be great at and would like a lot. I love a good epiphany. :)

Glad you can articulate your current worries. Seems like writing it all down is a good first step to help you figure out what to do about it all. :kiss:

Sending peaceful thoughts your way.




7 years ago

So much going on in your life and head right now. Life can be so overwhelming at times huh? But one day at a time Lynn. Point yourself in the direction you would like to see things go in and start driving yourself slowly to that destination. Avoid excessive speeds to get there and just take it nice and easy enjoying the little things you can now focus on in plain view. Sometimes you will have to make a few quick stops because you didnt see something coming on your left or right but wait it out and then start your engine back up and keep moving forward. Don't be afraid to take a different route if the road feels unsafe and you can always make a u-turn if you don't like the direction you are moving in. It does not suggest you are backtracking, it suggest you have decided to move forward just in another direction. Nothing wrong with that ey?




7 years ago

did you notice that each of the things that is causing you anxiety is something for which you have come up with tentative solutions for? for, you need more information and research to firm up those solutions, but at least the anxiety isn't causing everything to come to a stand still. :kiss: like you, i have to eat what seems like inordinately high calories to feel full. the only thing that changed this was finding the perfect level for my macros. that took a lot of changing and experimenting, but eventually it evened out (and then was still affected by hormonal changes) and i for some semblance of relief from the constant pangs. I love you, and let me know when you want to plan that next trip. ;)

by CBL



7 years ago

Lynn, I'm so happy you can express your feelings and not keep them internalized. Love you g/f :kiss:




7 years ago

Check your inbox, sistah. :evil:




7 years ago

Wow, you have a lot of worries! Maybe the book, "Women Who Think Too Much" would help you. Also realizing that you choose to worry about those things. You can choose to be in a happy, relaxed place as well. You have the control over your mind!