Wednesday, Nov 3 2010
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I am going to steal 15 minutes for a few notes.
Am emotionally weighed down with the increasingly soul-crushing experience that is my work life. It wouldn't been so bad if I felt confident that all the issues weren't my doing. Between my own self doubt and the 'mangement' style (which resembles psychological torture) of my company, it is almost impossible for me to end a day without wondering if I should be expecting a paycheck. There are lot of external reasons that I have no control over that contribute to why I always feel ten steps behind, incompenent, and useless, but I always end of feeling like I deserve it, at least to some extent. I keep searching, and doing the mental equivilent of scurrying like a rat, to find an M.O. that will allow me to keep my sanity for how ever long it takes me to find my next role. And I just can't find anything that works consistently. I know I complain a lot about this, so I don't expect commiseration - just a place to note my feelings. I honestly routinely feel like I'm going to be fired or demoted. And that thought creates such distress. But maybe I need to confront that fear and try to figure out how to manage that since I haven't had success mananging anything that leads up to it.
After lots of angonizing and some strategizing, I am going to propose that my employer pay for paralegal courses. If nothing else, it will help me feel like I'm learning SOMEthing, and may make me feel a bit more competent in my current position for however long it lasts. I'm still interested in a MA in healthcare management or in law school, but I want to start with something that is shorter time committment so I can guage how it impacts my life.
There seems to be a long to-do list at home, too, that isn't getting shorter, and that has me feeling anxious. I haven't had the desire to write about the kids recently (for months, now) and that has me anxious and feeling guilty.
I want so much to live in the moment - and enjoy what I can. Life is so precious and short, it just seems ludicrous to worry about the things I worry about to the extent I worry about them. But saying that doesn't change my thinking habits, unfortunately.
So, deep breaths. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I am doing the best I can with what I have. I am doing the best I can with what I have.
On an unrelated topic, one of the things I'd like to try from the T-Tapp book is the God-made/Man-made diet (or a various thereof). Like it sounds, you alternate days of eating only god-made food with days of man-made food (if you want it). Its sad how much of my food isn't 'clean'. I could provide you with many reasons for this - not the least of which is that I don't control the food shopping or do much of the cooking, but its still a fact, and an unhealthy fact that I haven't dealt with. But, I was thinking if I could start small with, say, 1 day a week, I might be able to increase from there. You know what I would miss and what has kept me from doing this already? My morning coffee creamer and my daily evening fix chex-mix. So, I'd have to really be ready to give those up. I think I could make all my other meals work, though, with a bit of pre-planning. So, I'm going to plan one day next week to do this.
So, one comment on the election. Please don't read if you will get upset by political opinions, one way or the other. I fail to understand why we have to fullfill the prophesies of the media and pollsters - they been saying for MONTHS that the democrats are not motivated to vote, so why wouldn't 'we' take up the challenge to get out there and f-ing vote? Makes me crazy. On many levels. To add insult to injury, I live in the district that voted Michele crazy-a$$ Bachmann in. Again. In the most expensive race in US House history. I almost can't look at my neighbors because I know a good majority of them think this was a good idea. AGH.