Is it wrong to feel confident about an event tomorrow that could significantly impact my life and my family's life? I am so un-used to feeling confident, I feel in uncharted territory. I am prepared - to the best of my ability, I am prepared. I am comfortable about the individuals I will be seeing. I realize there are areas that aren't going to feel super comfortable for me, but I am basically okay with that and know that I can ask questions that won't damage me. Cryptic much? It has to be that way for now.
My normal way of coping with any distress or anxiety is to envision the worst and decide how I can live with the worst. I've been experiencing the worst for some time now, and I can last a bit longer. I have some back-up plans. This may be why I am feeling generally at peace and confident. Or perhaps I am finally growing up? Feeling this way is how I think grown-ups feel. Not exactly objectively true, I realize, but it has been this way in my head forever - grown-ups are calm and serene and if not super-organized, then not concerned about not being organized. Kind of like my mom, I just realized. DUH. Wow - wonder how obvious that would've been to a therapist?
I literally just realized that. This is why I need to write more.
Its been so long since I've written here - there is a lot going on inside my head, but no spans of time to get it down and out. I would like to make it more of a priority.
I also need to deal with my weight - this cycle is SO irritating - I am back up again, probably not much more than 5 lbs, but as I get tired of saying even to my self, 5 lbs is a lot on my frame. I find myself thinking in dread, "Getting it back off will take at least 3 months" (yes, I lose that slowly), but I might take a different approach this time. After all, losing slowly hasn't meant not regaining for me, so perhaps I can now try the lose it via faster if less recommended methods. Not that I am generally a proponent of fast weight loss because I think for the most part, it doesn't lead to good maintenance, but apparently for me, neither does the slow method. Not ready to do anything this moment, but will need to soon. I don't want to 'ruin' my metabolism, but its so slow and sluggish anyway, how much damage can really be done? My tested BMR is 1250. That is 100 cals lower than the average for my weight, height, gender, and age.
Am looking forward to another trip with my sister near Easter - hopefully it will work out, but just having that in my near-ish future is a really great thing for my psyche. One option is the Dominican Republic - she sent me a link to an 8-room hotel/motel on or near the beach that looks lovely and not super touristy (although I don't mind touristy, necessarily). I would need to get my passport renewed.