Thursday, Nov 3 2011
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I am feeling overwhelmed.
Iím studying for the LSAT and am very discouraged with my lack of progress. I would like to do well because it would mean that I might be awarded a scholarship, and finding ways to pay for law school is critical for my family. Not doing as well as I had hoped also makes me feel like an idiot. I know the LSAT is considered the hardest standardized test, but still. Still. Still.
Recently a person was hired at my company to be, basically, my counterpart in another division. And she is kicking a$$ and taking names, so I feel very inferior in my work setting, also. She knows more than I do, she has more experience than I do, and she is getting far more done in her 1 month on the job than I am or have in my 9 months.
Willís behavior since starting kindergarden has been so challenging. Its as if someone took my sweet, darling boy and turned him into a completely different person, who is not nearly as fun to be around as he was before. My heart aches for him, because I have to think its part of the adjustment to school, but in the moment, I get so frustrated with him. I feel so inadequate to helping him or to being a good mom.
I am not comfortable yet with the way S and I have been approaching Willís school activities and assignments. I donít trust S to follow through on the smaller things because sometimes he doesn't. And I wrestle with whether or not its really important. I canít do everything, and since I canít do everything, I have to let go without freaking out. And I'm not doing very well at that.
And Iíve been sick with a cough for the past week, and its horrible to wake up several times a night, and know that Iím waking S up, and my eyes are blood shot in the morning. I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks, which is unheard of for me.
And Ė this is petty- but each year, I dread the winterizing process of getting the boat and dock in, the windows sealed, etc. I donít know why, because S almost always does most of it, but I just dread it. And I have such mixed feelings about the holidays which seem to be this HUGE thing coming down the road at me too quickly. In the midst of the holidays, I need to take the LSAT (12/3) and finish my application to law school, get some projects further in their progress at work without any help. It just feels like TOO much.
Well, that was a litany of ways in which I feel Ďless thaní, and when I feel that way, I feel overwhelmed and full of despair.