Saturday, Apr 21 2012
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
So, my weight is still down, but the clothes I could 'normally' wear at this weight don't fit. This means I am bigger at this weight that I have been in the past. I'm dismayed and confused by this. I've wonderred about a number of different causes:
-I have a dr apt in a few weeks - I am 99% sure this isn't the cause, but my mother had uterine cysts that made her stomach pouch out. They were benign, thankfully. I think I am wider all over, not just in my lower abdomen, but it feels especially noticeable there. It'd be nice to be able to attribute this weirdness to something like that (as long as its not a health hazard).
-I can't imagine that I've lost enough muscle mass to account for this. I'm working out pretty consistently although I don't do Jillian Michaels weights workout any more. Just don't understand what is going on.
-And I've cut down on soda, which if anything should reduce my midsection, not increase it.
-Could it be age?
Because my clothes aren't fitting well, I've been doing some compulsive shopping. I say compulsive because it feels that way. At this weight, 6's should be just fine on me, but I'm having to wear 8's. I hate the way EVERYTHING looks on me. And I am SOOOOO irritated that I'm too tall for petites and too short for regulars. Its awful. I did finally buy 4 pairs of pants at the Limited in no small part because they offered onsite, free hemming. I wasn't thrilled with the way the pants fit but I didn't passionately hate them either.
I just don't know what to do or think about this. I don't really have much interest in restricting my calories beyond where I am at. So, I guess I either need to accept this or try to exercise more. I got my elliptical serviced so I can look forward to using it where as I was dreading it there for a bit (the level one was as resistant as level 10, so 5 minutes in to a workout I was exhausted). However, its not like I have extra hours in my day to work out.
I'm really noticing my back fat. I can't quite tell if its always been this bad, or if I'm just scrutinizing my body way more closely. I have in my mind the types of tops I can/should wear to minimize the back fat (not because I'm vain so much as just not wanting to be/feel self conscious) but I can't find ANY tops in the stores that work for me. NONE. I've scoured them. I need something fitted otherwise my boobs make me look fatter than I am, but not so fitted that the back fat is completely visible. No poofy sleeves because then I look/feel top heavy. Ideally, the tops would be patterned vs single color because that is camouflaging to the back fat. If I could find the right shirt, I'd buy 15 versions of it, I swear.
And I can't find jeans that I like. I finally realized that stretch jeans tend shrink in length and stretch in the waste. So after I really like a pair of jeans enough to buy them, I end up not liking them because they change. And yet, I HATE the way that non stretch jeans feel.
I'm also more concious than ever of my double rolls in my lower abdomen from the two c-section scares. Again, I can't tell if they've always been this big/noticeable or if this is new.
I feel like I'm wasting so much energy on this issue.
Part of this is also that I'm trying to figure out what to wear to law school - I want comfort obviously but don't really want to descend to sweats. I was thinking black yoga pants (unless I can find some kind of 'real' pants that are just as comfortable), casual athletic shoes or ballet flats, and some type of comfortable top, but again, can't really find the pants or tops.
I'd welcome any thoughts/different perspectives on the above. I'm definitely doing the hamster wheel in my thoughts. UGH.