WILLLOSEIT's CalorieKing blog

Wednesday, Aug 29 2007 - waking up

View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day

good afternoon folks

i really have been in a bit of a funk the past few days. it's not all weight related either. august has seemed endless because it's been so hectic for me. i had such momentum going thru july and now i feel like i have lost it.

it's only a piece of my blues puzzle though. you see, i had a 20+ career as a marketing professional in financial services. i did very well for myself. but the shrinking nature of the industry finally caught up to me and i was displaced from a job because of a bank merger back in 2004. it turned out to be a very lucrative end to my career and set us up for a comfortable retirement. i went back to work in 2005 and found a very substantial position at another bank in new jersey. a month after i accepted the position, they were acquired by another major bank that runs its operation out of portland, maine. of course most of the marketing positions including mine were eliminated. I was the highest paid person in the marketing group (besides the retail banking director) and i didn't stand a chance in hell. to make matters worse, the transition was not easy for many people. the retail banking director who was a wonderful man, took everything to heart. he felt helpless about what he couldn't do for all his people and was treated so unfairly by the new organization. he ignored several health warnings and tragically died at the age of 52 in april of 2006. I was so saddened by this and vowed to never let a job stress me again.

strangely, the night before my emergency angioplasty, I dreamt about michael. It was a ghastly dream (more of a nightmare, really) involving event planning and collapsing floors and death. of course i now know that it was a message from michael to tell me that even though i am not working, i am still letting stress destroy me. and it almost did.

i am telling you all this because the reality is setting in that i have to go back to work. we miss my income terribly as it was the lion's share of what we earned. ralph, does fine, but not enough to sustain the lifestyle we are accustomed too. please don't take this the wrong way. i am not a lazy person and don't expect anything without working for it. but i worked very hard my whole life and put in my time in corporate america. i have been hoping that those days were behind me, but they are not. i think i have to go back and have to face that reality with a positive attitude. i am just not there yet. i worry about the stress too. will i be better at handling the type of work i do now? i have so much more at stake post angio.

thankfully, i am healthier now and at least feel better about myself to go through the interviewing process. it's been a long time for me. i worry about age discrimination and of course my weight is still not where it needs to be. i have a glowing resume and lots of experience, but it just may not be enough anymore. and so i worry about that too.

so you see, i have been down about all of this. i need to re-focus my energies and get my priorities back in order. i am hoping this will happen quickly because time is going by and i need to wake up now -- not a month from now...so here i am...:)

have i
been sleeping at the wheel
thinking i could not
follow all the rules
or bend them
to work for me
and still succeed
and lose the weight
the way i need to lose it?

have i been in denial
that i could work out
as little as possible
and get fit
at a pace
that was anything
faster than a snail
if a snail
was moving as
slow as i am?

have i been fooling myself
to think that i could
go off track
just a little
just every once in awhile
for maybe a day or two
and always manage to get back
on the right path
no matter how far i strayed?

the answer is
yes to all of the above
i haven't been the best
i can be
i have just gotten by
i haven't been 100%
at least most of the time
especially the last few weeks
and i haven't been happy with
my progress
for a long time
and i have no one
to blame but me

i am not looking for perfection
i am not expecting it either
just honesty
and regimen
and sticking to it
for as long as possible
without compromise
and holding my head up high
when i look in the mirror
and can say
with complete truth
i have done my best
and i can't ask for more

waking up
from a long interlude
of taking it easy
and being too relaxed
about doing this right
gives me back
the hope
the belief
that i can do this
and will do this
i just lost sight for awhile
i hope i am back
on track
because i need to be
more than anything
else in the world
because
nothing else matters
more to me
than this success
completing this task
and being healthy
once and for all

i let myself think this was easy
when everything about it takes
everything i have to succeed.

the photo: taken in august, 1997 at sundance, utah. it makes me feel at peace when I look at this photo. the juxtaposition of the snow against the flowers makes me feel alive with change and possibilities and seasons. besides, its a damn good photo from an amateur photographer like me. :)

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Comments

11 comments so far.

11.

7 years ago

Grace, you are going through much the same as me. I have also not been on track for a month and this week getting back to what I know works has been very hard. Those old thoughts of why me crept in. But hold your head up high. You are a stronger woman and are better at recognizing your stresses. You will succeed, embrace your power and take it day by day. Just keep the emotions and feeling where you can see them and address them and you will master your fate! We are all in this together and have all the same doubts and fears, but we are all making great progress, way beyond the scale. Take care.

by TREE

TREE

10.

7 years ago

You can do it because you know how to do it! You have learned to take care of yourself during this sabbatical! Don't ever forget that lesson! Rejoice that you are happy and healthy. March forward with new wisdom and inspiration! :thumbu2:

by SHARMON

SHARMON

9.

7 years ago

Grace, you can do anything, girl! And any employer will be lucky to have you, so be sure you pick one that knows that! :kiss:

by ZUMBALOVE

ZUMBALOVE

8.

7 years ago

You can do this Grace. Love and courage to you.

by PEANUT

PEANUT

7.

7 years ago

Hi Grace,
It's a beautiful picture. I think your progress has been just right for you. If we push ourselves too hard sometimes we burn out. I hope you find the perfect job. I know that any company would be lucky to have you.

by GWENDOLYN

6.

7 years ago

Thanks for the inspiration today, Grace.
"holding my head up high
when i look in the mirror
and can say
with complete truth
i have done my best
and i can't ask for more"
That's what I need, as well. And I need to give it my all as well.
I will pray for your work situation, Grace. You need a row of Rona's peas....:bigeyes3: in your garden. :)
I :love: the photo.

by BUN201

BUN201

5.

7 years ago

Gracie, I wish that I could come up with a reasonably, comfortable answer for you. Use your GURU POWERS.:teeth1:
Had to throw a funny in there.
I don't want you blue.
:love:
RONA

by RSW

RSW

4.

7 years ago

:wave1: If it is meant to be you will find that perfect job.....I know there is someone out there in corporate America that will see what an awesome employee you would be...I just wish you did not have to put yourself thru that stress....You write so well maybe you could do that...of course I have no idea what kind of money you can make doing that..but you would be happier....Have a good day...:)

by BIGGRAMMA

BIGGRAMMA

3.

7 years ago

Have you thought about changing fields? Something less stressful and more rewarding? How about writing? Either your book or for a newspaper. It might pay less but you might enjoy it more. Just a thought. Sue

by MEDIASUE

MEDIASUE

2.

7 years ago

:hi: You have been doing awesome, I know you can do this. I hope you are able to find a job that you will at least enjoy going to. The photo is very breath taking. Hope you are having a good day. :)

by JUSTPATTI

JUSTPATTI

1.

7 years ago

You can do this Grace I have a lot of confidence in you--I wish you the best of luck hopefully finding a job that you will love :heart2: Have a great day :)

by TEXSKH05

TEXSKH05