Thursday, Sep 27 2007 - as good as it gets
View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day
it's hard to pinpoint where the time goes sometimes. i see i haven't blogged since saturday and honestly i didn't realize it had been that long. i have been doing well ck-wise -- not losing weight, but sticking with the program. emotionally, i have been up and down. actually, i just had a good cry and like the time passing quickly i couldn't even pinpoint one particular reason why. perhaps a culmination of things; not finding a job and having to worry about money; not losing weight as quickly as i should be (i don't mean fast, but faster than i have); owning a house still in need of repair and not having the money to complete the work; having friends i can't always count on (but who can always count on me); living somewhere and not feeling like it's home. just the short list of things troubling me lately.
there are many good things in my life. i know that and appreciate them with all that i am. but i feel like there has never been a time in my life where all systems were go and i could sit back and just enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. no, i can't ever remember a time like that. i fell like a cloud is always there ready to block my sun. grace is not allowed to be happy for too long.
but most people never know how sad i feel sometimes. ralph gets to witness it now more than anyone and he doesn't know what to do for me. he doesn't live a complicated life and never lets too many things bother him. i wish i could be more like him, but i am not. and never will be. when i broke down and cried earlier today (the first time i really had an emotional cry since last may) he just stood there. i cried out my issues and he listened without saying a word. when i was finished talking (perhaps ranting is a more adequate description), but still crying he simply said he was going to watch boston legal and did i want to watch it with him. just like that the cry (for him) was over. i went into the bathroom and cried some more. perhaps i just needed it. and men don't get that and i don't expect they ever will. i think it was best that he just walked away. there was/is nothing he could do to make me feel better short of winning the lottery.
money is not everything and we are not poor by any means. a part of me even hates that this is an issue for me. but the rest of my family lives very, very well and will never have to worry about money. my fate is not as clear or promising as theirs. i have to give a gift greater than we can afford to my niece when she marries next week, because that's what we do. i could never let on that we have any money issues.
all our plans of retiring when i turned 60, moving to north carolina and living a quiet life will have to be put on hold. we will be lucky if we can retire when i am 65 now. and i worked so hard for so long. i know things will get better. we have a roof over our head and funds we can tap into (retirement) to get us by so it is not the direst of situations, but i still worry and i am still not happy. and i am still hoping for my storybook life one day (yes i am selfish today too) and oh why the heck won't this weight come off?
my friends, i am truly sorry for this not so inspiring nor uplifting blog today. it is what it is and i am feeling what i feel. i can't help that. if tomorrow doesn't bring contentment, perhaps it will come the next day. but for now, this is as good as it gets....