WILLLOSEIT's CalorieKing blog

Thursday, Sep 27 2007 - as good as it gets

View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day

it's hard to pinpoint where the time goes sometimes. i see i haven't blogged since saturday and honestly i didn't realize it had been that long. i have been doing well ck-wise -- not losing weight, but sticking with the program. emotionally, i have been up and down. actually, i just had a good cry and like the time passing quickly i couldn't even pinpoint one particular reason why. perhaps a culmination of things; not finding a job and having to worry about money; not losing weight as quickly as i should be (i don't mean fast, but faster than i have); owning a house still in need of repair and not having the money to complete the work; having friends i can't always count on (but who can always count on me); living somewhere and not feeling like it's home. just the short list of things troubling me lately.

there are many good things in my life. i know that and appreciate them with all that i am. but i feel like there has never been a time in my life where all systems were go and i could sit back and just enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. no, i can't ever remember a time like that. i fell like a cloud is always there ready to block my sun. grace is not allowed to be happy for too long.

but most people never know how sad i feel sometimes. ralph gets to witness it now more than anyone and he doesn't know what to do for me. he doesn't live a complicated life and never lets too many things bother him. i wish i could be more like him, but i am not. and never will be. when i broke down and cried earlier today (the first time i really had an emotional cry since last may) he just stood there. i cried out my issues and he listened without saying a word. when i was finished talking (perhaps ranting is a more adequate description), but still crying he simply said he was going to watch boston legal and did i want to watch it with him. just like that the cry (for him) was over. i went into the bathroom and cried some more. perhaps i just needed it. and men don't get that and i don't expect they ever will. i think it was best that he just walked away. there was/is nothing he could do to make me feel better short of winning the lottery.

money is not everything and we are not poor by any means. a part of me even hates that this is an issue for me. but the rest of my family lives very, very well and will never have to worry about money. my fate is not as clear or promising as theirs. i have to give a gift greater than we can afford to my niece when she marries next week, because that's what we do. i could never let on that we have any money issues.

all our plans of retiring when i turned 60, moving to north carolina and living a quiet life will have to be put on hold. we will be lucky if we can retire when i am 65 now. and i worked so hard for so long. i know things will get better. we have a roof over our head and funds we can tap into (retirement) to get us by so it is not the direst of situations, but i still worry and i am still not happy. and i am still hoping for my storybook life one day (yes i am selfish today too) and oh why the heck won't this weight come off?

my friends, i am truly sorry for this not so inspiring nor uplifting blog today. it is what it is and i am feeling what i feel. i can't help that. if tomorrow doesn't bring contentment, perhaps it will come the next day. but for now, this is as good as it gets....

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Comments

8 comments so far.

8.

7 years ago

Oh Sweetie! I feel your pain and your fear. :kiss: It is not that money has such a big place in our lifes, but it is not feeling secure knowing it is there if we have to use it. I keep telling myself when it is so dark....all is temporary and GOD IS GREATHER THEN ANY PROBLEM I HAVE. Not having a job is temporary...you will find one. Even though we are with the love of our lives...men respond so differently . Even though you support each other..sometimes we have to spell it out in black and white with what we want. Tell him...I need a hug and a shoulder because I feel.........

by LUCKYDUCK2

LUCKYDUCK2

7.

7 years ago

I hope that your day gets better....I'm thinking about ya. Sometimes you just have to cry because there is no other way to really deal with what you're feeling (and man does it feel refreshing when you're done). :love: and :kiss:

OH....and I haven't watched DirtySexyMoney....I guess I should!

by RACEGIRL72

RACEGIRL72

6.

7 years ago

Someone said at our step meeting tonight, "It is what it is...." :cry3: Most of us there have been guilty of stuffing our feelings --- not good --- so I'm glad you had a :cry4: Expressing feelings is important and healthy. One of the ladies brought in a sheet with all different faces and the emotions that go with it so we could identify ourselves. Most of the time I would turn to food with all my bottled up emotions. Right now I'm dealing with Caroline and her struggle to get herself on her feet, with a roof over her head--she's living at the Salvation Army and justs graduated from their program-- and some transportation, and she has struggled with what others have/where they are right now vs herself and where she is....her own sisters the worst comparison. It's important for her (and me) to #1 trust God, and then to look at one day at a time right now, because it's just too overwhelming otherwise. Thank you, Grace, for sharing your feelings. :love: :kiss: and (((((hugs))))))

by BUN201

BUN201

5.

7 years ago

:hi: I am so sorry to hear you so sad. I wish I knew what to say to brighten your day. I can relate very well to your money troubles. We are still recovering from Terry's work accident two years ago. The house has some repairs that need to be done, but no money to do them with. All I can say is take it one day at a time. It will all work itself out in the end. Hang in there. :love: Patti

by JUSTPATTI

JUSTPATTI

4.

7 years ago

It good to get your feelings out! I hope everything starts looking better for you tomorrow! Maybe it is all a blessing in disguise? :love:

by OYGIVULT

OYGIVULT

3.

7 years ago

:wave1: I am sorry that you are having such a bad time....You are such a special lady that you deserve to be happy...I pray that tomorrow will be a much better day for you...:)

by BIGGRAMMA

BIGGRAMMA

2.

7 years ago

:love: Dear Heart......I always view crying as a new start. You are getting rid of the toxins in your body. You are getting rid of some of the "bricks" that you carry for other loved ones and yourself. ......

I just know that good things are in store for you...............
Keep the faith. :thumbu2:

by RSW

RSW

1.

7 years ago

Oh Grace I am so sorry that you are sad today:'( I can totally relate to your money troubles--I am very in debt at the moment and it will take me quite a while to get out of it and it does get me down. Hang in there Grace you are in my prayers!:kiss:

by TEXSKH05

TEXSKH05