Wednesday, Oct 24 2007 - popeye
View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day
on monday i lost my pedometer and more money than i planned to at the casino with my dad. i am not sure which i feel worse about. i can't replace the money but i can replace the pedometer. on the other hand i need the pedometer to keep me on pace with my 10,000 step program and i won't get the new one for several days...so my lesson learned is don't wear my pedometer at the casino.
i love to gamble. if i were less in control of this part of my life this could be a problem. but i only go to the casino with my dad twice a month. and before this casino opened i hadn't been in any kind of gambling facility for years. but i will be the first to say i enjoy the thrill very much. when i watch my dad, i can see where i get it from. and if my mother were healthy, she would be enjoying it too. before her decline, the only vacation time my parents allowed themselves were monthly weekend trips to atlantic city. they never flew anywhere (neither have ever been on a plane), they never enjoyed the beach and with my mother's legs they couldn't enjoy sightseeing very much. but the one thing they did enjoy was their weekends in atlantic city. the way i looked at it, other retirees bought vacation homes or spent $20,000 a year on a couple of cruises or some other travel adventures. my parents didn't do anything except go to AC once a month. it was perhaps their happiest times and i am grateful that they at least had that in their lives for a few years.
i have decided that i have always been an excessive person. when i think i like something i leap before i look and get completely immersed in whatever it is often spending a lot of money in doing so. for example, several years ago when scrap-booking was becoming all the rage i bought every supply you could imagine (thank you qvc). i assumed i would love to scrapbook and would begin with our wedding photos and work from there. i have drawers full of papers, clips, glues, buttons, stickers and other various embellishments to go along with the dozen or so albums that still sit neatly in my craft room closet empty. yes, i have a craft room that i just use as extended office space!! and let's not forget the thousands of photos i have tucked away in archival photo boxes. of course it costs more money to keep all of these things organized. heaven forbid i can't find what i need when i finally get around to putting at least one scrapbook together. heaven knows when that day will come!
another application of a similar excessive trait has to do with clothes shopping but with a different twist. it's most likely that in my lifetime i have purchased more clothes in a size too small than clothes that actually fit me when i bought them. my logic was always "i just have to lose a few pounds and then i can wear"
whatever i just purchased. of course, i never lost the weight. in fact the sizes got bigger and so did i, never quite catching up with each other. sadly, i have squandered a lot of money this way. the only good thing that came out of this habit was a lot of nice clothing given to charities through the years.
now what does that tell me about myself? looking back i realize that i just never wanted to face the truth of my continuing weight gain. as long as i bought clothes that would require me to lose weight to wear them i could convince myself that i was actually doing something about my weight issue. as long as i knew the clothes were too small kept my weight issues front and center. but it was faulty logic that didn't require me to really diet or exercise. and so i never lost weight. i just went out and bought more clothes.
this was especially applicable to quality clothing. i was perfectly willing to go out and buy 10 outfits for $500 in a size 22 or 24 at the avenue or lane bryant, but i would never buy a designer suit in a size that fit me. it's almost as if i wasn't worth the investment. perhaps i even thought i wasn't good enough. last year i donated 30 (yes 30) high quality suits to dress for success, a charity to help low income young ladies prepare for job interviews and corporate careers. most of the suits still had the price tags on them because none of them ever fit me. i collected these suits during the past 10 years, always buying on sale, always a size or two too small and always high quality.
i don't think i have completely gotten over this habit. just last week i ordered a metallic trench coat from the susan lucci collection on hsn. she had been on the view talking about her new clothing line and i just fell in love with the coat. i just had to have it, but i ordered it in a size 18. of course it came today and it doesn't fit. i can't bring myself to send it back and i just hope that it will fit me before the holidays. my logic is telling me since i am losing weight now, why should i get a size that fits today? isn't it better to make the investment in something that will fit me soon instead of be too big before too long? oh, i wish i could get this right.
so is there a lesson here? i don't think so. it's just a lot of food for thought about the things i do to deal (or perhaps not deal with my weight issues). i am thankful that i am doing all i am doing now to lose weight. i am thankful that i can acknowledge these issues and at least think about them more than ever before. i am glad i have this blog to share my thoughts.
i am what i am. we all are who we are. perhaps i am popeye?