making bad choices comes way too easily sometimes. i often wonder why that happens. i was going along yesterday minding my own business making good food decisions and then before you know it...all hell broke lose.
let's start with my afternoon. after considering my options i decided to go to the movies with my friend chris. we agreed to meet at the theatre at 4:30 pm for a 4:50 pm showing of the darjeeling limited. we would meet her husband chuck after for dinner at francesco's so i ate sparingly knowing i would most likely chose a pasta dish for dinner. i did a few chores around the house, took my shower and headed out about 4:00 pm
the movie was good, but not great. it was a bit slow at times but entertaining enough. if you like quirky films you might enjoy this. otherwise, wait for the dvd. by the time the movie was over, i was pretty hungry, but not famished. we headed to the restaurant, put our name on the table list and went and had a glass of wine while we waited for our name to be called. i am usually a 1 glass of wine person, occasionally 2. i was never a big drinker so i have barely averaged 2 glasses of wine a month since i began ck. i tell you this because the end result is i get "tipsy" very quicky and have to eat, especially these days. by the time our table was ready i was completely famished, slightly light-headed and couldn't wait to eat.
of course as soon as the bread basket landed in front of me, i dug right in. i inhaled two pieces and immediately felt better. the rest of the dinner was delicious; i gained my composure and ate just slightly more than my remaining calories for the day, but i was content with that. of course i didn't drink any more wine!
i spoke to ralph around 10:00 pm (we kept missing each other's calls throughout the night. we were drinking our coffee and he was about 20 minutes from home. game and husband update: usf lost the game and it absolutely poured during the game. as predicted he was cranky and achy by the time he got home. his buddy jim (his college buddy up from florida for the weekend to go to the game) was in worse shape. he had gotten completely drenched and couldn't warm up even though it was a warm night. ralph even put the fireplace on which was ridiculous because it was 60 degrees outside and the room temperature was already 71!! anyway, they had fun despite the rain and loss.
now back to my diet disaster. i headed home about 10:15 pm to what i thought would be simply a glass of water or two, but nothing else before bedtime. but that was not to be. the boys were home before me. when i walked in the back door, i realized ralph was in the shower downstairs and jim was showering upstairs. i was greeted by trouble as soon as i looked at the kitchen counter. right in front of me were the leftover snacks they had brought with them to the game; 2 bags of doritos (one opened already) and 2 packages of cookies (of course one opened already). i was like a pre-programmed robot. i headed right for the cookies, opened the bag and ate one than another and another after that. the whole time i am talking to ralph through the bathroomdoor half conscious of what i was doing, or at least pretending to be because deep down i was very much aware of the food i was eating. i then poured myself a glass of milk (i couldn't remember the last time i had a glass of milk with cookies. in it's own way, that's classic comfort food to me) and proceeded to dunk a few more cookies in the glass. by the time the milk was gone, i probably ate 6 cookies without blinking an eye.
ok, damage done move on. oh no, my diet divas amigas; there were more calories to be consumed; more temptations calling my name apparently with a great big megaphone! i changed into my pjs and headed for the den to watch tv for a while with the boys. around midnight, i went back to the kitchen to check email on my lap top. big mistake, because there it was; the open bag of doritos staring me in the face. i was done for as soon as i reached for the bag clip to seal it up. one little broken chip became two; which lead to a handful and so on an so forth until the bag was empty. ralph walked in and didn't say a word. he knew better. in fact, he just helped himself to some. i was the one who spoke up; "i can't figure out why i am eating these, but i am. don't be upset with me, because i am upset enough for both of us." he just kissed me and said " tomorrow is another day. you've been so diligent anyway." ok, i am married to a wonderful guy! his words brought me some relief. they weren't a license to continue to consume, but they were a license to just let it be. the damage was done and there wasn't anything i could do but move on. so i did. we finished the opened bag of doritos. the rest of the snacks just sat there; even the cookies remaining in the opened package. my feast was over and i didn't want, need, or crave any more.
i can't even begin to tell you why i ate what i did. i think i just needed to explode. i mean i have been skirting the issue for weeks; wanting to just let loose, but too conscious of what i am doing to let it happen. instead i have been eating 300, 400 even 500 calories more almost every day for 2 weeks. always aware of what i was doing, but doing it anyway. but it was never enough because i just wasn't quite satisfied on any given day. instead, i believe all those days of just eating a little more than i should, were simply pre-tremors of an impending earthquake that, well that i couldn't stop if i tried. it just didn't happen yesterday; it's been brewing for several weeks.
i feel fine today. it's almost 5:00 pm and i have eaten exactly the way i want to eat for life. i am not full of remorse about last night or even worried about continued aftershocks! On the contrary, i am feeling full of acknowlegdement and analysis of the incident. i won't say that it will never happen again, because i am quite sure it will happen again someday down the road. i am human and not perfect and i am ok. but i am fairly confident that it won't happen again in the immediate future and i am right back to where i need to be. oh and the remaining snacks are on their way to ralph's office...
so that's my story for today. i am happy to share it with all of you and proud to stand tall. because after the dust settled, i am still healthy and still determined to see this thing through. happy sunday to one and all.