WILLLOSEIT's CalorieKing blog

Monday, Apr 27 2009 - So much to say, too much time has passed

View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day

I have been away from Calorie King for over 6 months. So much has changed in my life and on this site. Where to begin...

I think I will begin with the hard part. I lost my mom on January 28th, 2009. Prior to her passing, she spent 98 days in the hospital, mostly in intensive care, intubated and on a respirator to fight the complications of COPD, a large pneumonia and various other infections that made it impossible for her to breath on her own. Her quality of life was miserable and I cried every day watching her struggle. Ultimately we agreed to a tracheotomy right before Chirstmas hoping she could breath without the respirator. It never happened.

We were damned if we did and damned if we didn't when it came to our final decision to remove her from the respirator. She was alert, but as unhappy as anyone could be. She constantly tried to remove the tube, so she was restrained when we weren't with her to stop her from hurting herself. It was heartbreaking to watch her as she pleaded with her eyes and tugged at our hands. She wanted that tube removed and we knew it. The last draw was when the hospital wouldn't keep her anymore and insisted she needed to be moved to a nursing home or LTC facility. Our choices were few because of the respirator. And all I imagined was her left alone and restrained to a bed all day long. What kind of life would that be? I know she didn't want to live that way.

And so we turned the respirator off at 3:45 PM on Weds. January 28th. We were all with her; my heart breaking as I hugged her and said my goodbyes over and over again. Until the morphine took hold, she was alert and knew what was happening. She was at peace and held onto us as a mother would. As prepared as I thought I was, I couldn't let go. I couldn't believe how devastated I was by the moment. She took her last breath at 5:40 PM. A piece of me died too. I know she lived a long life. I know she had more time than many. But her life was so tumultuous and so ridden with pain and heartache I couldn't help but think how unfair things had been for her. Even in death, she didn't get a break. Sometimes, I just lose my faith.

So here I am 3 months later and finally getting my act together again. I have started to lose weight and I am trying to take care of me again. Life is going on. Buy I miss her every single day.

And I find myself here again. I think because I need to write and share. It's been too long.

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Comments

9 comments so far.

9.

5 years ago

:kiss: my heart breaks for you in these trying times. I lost my mom 4.5 yrs ago to lung cancer and thank God we did not have to make the decisions that your family did. May you find peace in the days to come knowing that she is no longer suffering :kiss: Glad to see you make your way back to us in CK land.

by JTAPP9

JTAPP9

8.

5 years ago

I'm so sorry for your loss Grace ... may you find peace and comfort in your friends here on CK. I can't imagine how heart-breaking that was and continues to be. Peace to you!

by MAYASMOM

MAYASMOM

7.

5 years ago

:hi: Oh Grace I am so sorry! :'( I wish there was more that I could do. I have missed you my friend, I'm so glad that you are back! May you find the strength that you need to make it through this sad time. {{{ hugs!}}}, :kiss: and :love:

by JUSTPATTI

JUSTPATTI

6.

5 years ago

I have missed you! I'm so sorry for you loss, Grace. :love: You can comfort yourself with the knowledge that she was surrounded with love. Welcome back to CK. :love:

by BUN201

BUN201

5.

5 years ago

Oh Grace I am so glad to see you here again and I feel so sad for your loss:'(--hang in there you have a lot of friends here at CK:heart2:

by TEXSKH05

TEXSKH05

4.

5 years ago

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.

by GNABEAN

GNABEAN

3.

5 years ago

(((Grace))) So sorry to read about your Mom. May you find comfort in your memories of her. :kiss:

by PATTIXOXO

PATTIXOXO

2.

5 years ago

Hugs Grace. I am sorry for your loss and glad to have you back. :kiss:

by MOM22SONZ

MOM22SONZ

1.

5 years ago

Yes Dear Grace, it has been too long but you have been dealing with so much. Welcome back. I hope you find peace and solace.

by PEANUT

PEANUT