Monday, Apr 27 2009 - So much to say, too much time has passed
View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day
I have been away from Calorie King for over 6 months. So much has changed in my life and on this site. Where to begin...
I think I will begin with the hard part. I lost my mom on January 28th, 2009. Prior to her passing, she spent 98 days in the hospital, mostly in intensive care, intubated and on a respirator to fight the complications of COPD, a large pneumonia and various other infections that made it impossible for her to breath on her own. Her quality of life was miserable and I cried every day watching her struggle. Ultimately we agreed to a tracheotomy right before Chirstmas hoping she could breath without the respirator. It never happened.
We were damned if we did and damned if we didn't when it came to our final decision to remove her from the respirator. She was alert, but as unhappy as anyone could be. She constantly tried to remove the tube, so she was restrained when we weren't with her to stop her from hurting herself. It was heartbreaking to watch her as she pleaded with her eyes and tugged at our hands. She wanted that tube removed and we knew it. The last draw was when the hospital wouldn't keep her anymore and insisted she needed to be moved to a nursing home or LTC facility. Our choices were few because of the respirator. And all I imagined was her left alone and restrained to a bed all day long. What kind of life would that be? I know she didn't want to live that way.
And so we turned the respirator off at 3:45 PM on Weds. January 28th. We were all with her; my heart breaking as I hugged her and said my goodbyes over and over again. Until the morphine took hold, she was alert and knew what was happening. She was at peace and held onto us as a mother would. As prepared as I thought I was, I couldn't let go. I couldn't believe how devastated I was by the moment. She took her last breath at 5:40 PM. A piece of me died too. I know she lived a long life. I know she had more time than many. But her life was so tumultuous and so ridden with pain and heartache I couldn't help but think how unfair things had been for her. Even in death, she didn't get a break. Sometimes, I just lose my faith.
So here I am 3 months later and finally getting my act together again. I have started to lose weight and I am trying to take care of me again. Life is going on. Buy I miss her every single day.
And I find myself here again. I think because I need to write and share. It's been too long.