WILLLOSEIT's CalorieKing blog

Friday, Aug 27 2010 - A rough patch

View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day

along this journey
there is bound to be
rough patches
bumps in the road
where we trip and falter
and perhaps
feel lost
again

along this road
less traveled
by people like me
who have struggled
a lifetime
to find a healthy balance
somewhere between
"leafy greens every damn day"
and "i will always be fat so why bother?"

upon this tour,
not quite magical or mystical
i do find truths
about myself
that sometimes delight
and other times frighten me
the delights of "i can do this"
and " i am so strong and proud"
of my accomplishments
often get weighed down (literally)
by my inability to stay the course and
the unbelievable pull of all things unhealthy
that i don't just taste, but let take over
and then i am left
to ask why

why?
why do people who supposedly love me
let me down
time and time again
why?
why do i let these people
get to me
every time
every single time
why?
why are narcissists rampant
in my family
in my life
only seeing life
within their own 4 walls
only caring (though they pretend otherwise)
about others, humanity,
if there is something in it for them

i expect too much
really
of these people
who don't look to the side
don't bring heart
to their days
and truly
don't think about
this house
and the people inside
unless they have to
and believe me
that is a rare occurrence

the phone never rings
and my dad
sits alone
every day
i do what i can
ralph does what he can
we are his lifeline
and we show love
24/7
not just on holidays
and days of obligation
not so holy

but that's the way
it has always been
and my dad knows it
thankfully
but it hurts him
that's why he cries
whenever he sees
family
on those rare occasions
he is reminded
how little they think of him
and it doesn't get to them
because narcissists don't think
about the world
beyond their 4 doors

and so i struggle
on my own journey
because i am not a narcissist
and i think about everyone's pain
and everyone's struggle
and the heart on my sleeve
has a hole a mile wide
because i take everything in
and then
i falter
i have to falter
if only for the moment
when compassion
envelopes this tired soul
and i can't eat
another salad
not today
not today.

one has nothing
to do with the other
i know
but emotions control
my every move
and make me weak
when i am saddened
by the choices
other people make
and the loneliness
other people feel
and i am incapable
of not caring
so i sometimes carry
the weight of the world
and it shows
on my plate
and on the scale
some days
more than others

a rough patch
brought on
by sadness
brought on
by the people
i love
despite their
self-centered
not in my backyard
narrow-minded
lives


a rough patch
on my journey
that i will get through
because
in the end
i do it for me
and only me
wait
does
that makes me
a narcissist too?
for a moment,
perhaps...

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Comments

7 comments so far.

7.

3 years ago

Beautiful writing!

Ressy

by RESSY

RESSY

6.

3 years ago

By the way I love that picture of you!!!:)

by TEXSKH05

TEXSKH05

5.

3 years ago

You are a loving caring person!! Hang in there girl and call your family like Judy said and request their help!

by TEXSKH05

TEXSKH05

4.

3 years ago

Hi Grace, I agree with Peanut, say something. I'm always surprised when I do! Hang in there, glad to see you writing again. :hi:

by TREE

TREE

3.

3 years ago

:kiss:

by MRSDSB

MRSDSB

2.

3 years ago

very descriptive. I could see and feel what you were describing. I hear ya sister. Hang in there. You are a phoenix rising out of the ashes! :)

by LESLIEC

LESLIEC

1.

3 years ago

My dear grace, caring for yourself is not narcissistic. Take care and don't despair. Cal your siblings and tell them that they need to help with visiting your father so you and Ralph can have a date. :heart2:

by PEANUT

PEANUT