I have been feeling a bit lost lately. It doesn't take much to get me off course. I'll be good for 14 hours of my waking day, but that 15th hour becomes a nightmare before I know it. Last night, I gave in to the damn donuts and ate 3 of them. Then came the Skinny Cow Ice Cream sandwiches -- not so skinny when you eat more than one -- and believe me, I ate more than one. Then there was the chocolate. You know the chocolate that I walk past every single day? The chocolate that I HAVE to have in the house for my dad? Well that chocolate became MY chocolate last night. And I ate one KitKat (the snack size...) and then another...a couple of Peanut Butter Cups...and a couple of more. After the sweet cravings were satisfied, I headed for the salt. Out came the Pringles and the Mixed Nuts. I felt awful --full and defeated--as I went to hide all those bright orange and red wrappers in the bottom of the garbage bag. The empty Pringle tube was hard to hide. I just threw it in the garbage pail with utter disgust.
Of course, I am paying for my absolute breakdown this morning.
First of all I couldn't sleep. All that sugar took awhile to work its way through my system. Eventually, I just crashed as the sugar rush turned to completed lethargy and I couldn't keep my eyes open at all. By then it was 3:30 AM! I've been to the bathroom twice this morning. My colon is in a rebellious mood, perhaps wanting to punish me for the invasion of alien foods. I expect a lot of water and back to healthy eating will settle things down physically within the next 24 hours.
But what I grapple with the most is the emotional toll a binge like this takes on me.
This is the third time I have done this in 2 weeks! My weight loss has slowed to a snail's pace and I absolutely can't expect anything else with this kind of eating pattern. I think this is why I was most angry with my husband and the donuts on Friday. I had been feeling very positive and in control for most of the week and then....But I can't blame him for my issues.
I don't want to be defeated here. I don't want to think that losing 35 pounds is all I can do. I don't want to think that I am destined to regain this weight. I don't want to feel like a failure. I don't want to stop. But I have to figure out how to continue...It is my predicament.
I received mostly positive news from the doctor this week. And you would think this would have just made me even more determined to keep losing. I have reversed the diabetes trend. My blood pressure was actually too low and he reduced one of my BP medications. My cholesterol numbers were great. My bad cholesterol number was where it should be and the good cholesterol number was almost in range.
The only worrisome number is my triglycerides. Although I brought the number down substantially from the May reading, I still have a lot of work to do. He decided I needed help and added a new medication to my ridiculous daily medication cocktail. I am thinking here is where I went emotionally wrong.
I (in typical fashion) couldn't focus on all the good news. I could only focus on the one negative. And that translated in my head to "Why Bother?" All the work I have done and I get to take another medication? I was so
Yes, I know I should be rejoicing in the positive news. Yes, I am usually a glass half full kind of gal. But this weekend --with these particular results and feeling a bit out of sync because of my 2 previous binges during the past 2 weeks--I think I was doomed the minute I opened his report and the new prescription fell out of the envelope. Harrumph!!!
Is any of this rational? Nope, I know that.
Is any of this going to hasten my weight loss cause? Nope, at least not directly.
But in the interest of understanding the female mind and the fragile moments that can overcome our good sense at anytime, I can
see the reasoning of my actions. Through the drunken haze of a crazy sugar high, it becomes very clear that I am scared. I am scared, that no matter what I do, I will never be "perfectly" healthy again. That no matter how much weight I lose, the damage is already done. That regardless of where I go, it is where I have been that will determine my ultimate peace of mind.
In those fleeting moments of irrational thinking, I lost control. I let the demons destroy my self-confidence and determination. In my darkest moment, I may have found some clarity. Well, at the very least something to substantiate my actions. Now, I must put this knowledge to good use.
So the brand new day is here. I have to mull all of this over. I have to give myself some wiggle room. I have to allow myself to fail, before I will ever be able to succeed. I have to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...and walk (not run) to the nearest shoulder and just breath....
I know my victory is just up ahead. There are just a lot of hairpin turns on this journey. I have to learn to take it slow...or I will lose control again. OK, Here we go. Try and try again.