Joined early April but it took until today for me to really make a commitment not to be 100% but try for it - I gained 74 pounds back of the 122 pounds I lost back in 1990 to 1991!
I am 10 years older I have arthritis - sciatica - and had my right hip replaced due to an accident. And having this extra weight on me is killing me in every respect - especially my psyche (but the physical pain is right up there!). I am a stress eater and in truth I started to get a little sloppy about my food plan back in 1995 but I was able to keep my weight pretty much under control. After 911 it all went downhill - I lost 2 friends that day and I lived in a building where someone had a huge party that night - I say the towers fall - I could smell the stink of that devastation for weeks and the smoke rising from the rubble for weeks. I had to sleep at t relative’s house for a few days, the party going on in my apartment building through me over the edge that day.
For me the stress in my life just escalated from there - my father, mother-in-law and my husband and then my nephew all had different devastating illnesses and operations. My Dad passed away from Cancer - My Mother-In-Law died after being on dialysis after 4 years and developed cancer - My husband was on chemo drugs - hand a knee replacement that failed - had prostate cancer and a total prostatectomy - had his knee replacement revised (redone) and had to stop work this year for good. My nephew the love of my life had a psychotic break and is still a shell of what he once was. But with all that being said, it doesn't give me license to harm myself with overeating. I have beat the odds so far with obesity related diseases and that is remarkable considering my family’s history with HBP and diabetes. My Mother died as the result of diabetes when she was 56 years old - I will be 53 this year. My Mother's Father died at 42 related to his obesity and other bad habits and my Mothers Aunt died at 48 due to a stroke and it was related to obesity.
I know beating the odds so far has made me deceive myself in many ways - which I have all these things against me; stress, chronic pain, menopause yada yada yads. But this morning I know it's not beating the odds - it's Russian roulette! I sit around with ice packs for the pain - I use my tens machine - stretch - take pain medication and then I rationalize eating a pint of ice cream - or that hummus is healthy (which it is) but eating half a bag of "baked" tortilla chips kind of zeros out the healthy part.
Late yesterday afternoon I was out celebrating a relatives birthday and I had the dreaded diet mentality - tomorrow is my start date so I am going to go to hell with myself the rest of the day - even as I looked around the table at the restaurant and saw that all at our table was seriously overweight and who is taking what for HBP - Cholesterol - GERD, we feasted on the worst of the worst you could order for people with our weight and health problems.
On the way home I picked up a pint of ice cream - for the "last night"! and this morning I feel like hell (It almost feels like a bad hangover) I have a headache - I feel like I have no energy - I couldn't sleep because of the food I ate - sugars and fats!. My hip is killing me. This morning I am truly at my bottom. And the only way for me know is up. From yesterdays overdoing it I can't say that I am psyched - but I am hopeful! On Wednesday I added a year to my gym membership - I am going tomorrow morning. I am going to drink plenty of water today and committing to healthy food choices and to journaling. (I just started with Psychotherapy - I know that I need all the help I can get. I know how to be a caretaker - but know I have to really learn to take care of me!)