The long and winding road

WOODSANDWIND - 12:27PM PDT, Oct 11th 2012

woodsandwind
Up nort'

I've been asked to post my "stuff" on a separate thread so it doesn't get lost in the 100+ daily posts. Sure, I can do that!

This is sort of a journal for me. Things I don't share with anyone else I put on CK. And even though it doesn't always appear to be about my eating habits, I've learned that my behaviour does affect my eating.

I find it interesting that since I started posting a lot of personal and painful things here, my ability to open up to my counselor, and the many small successes in my personal growth, have improved tremendously. And as I break free from my old "stinking thinking" and the ghosts from my past, my self-esteem has grown and my belief in my ability to be successful in losing weight will grow as well.

So, I"m going to post some stuff I've already posted. And if you choose to follow along, you'll see me go into tailspins, regain control and then soar for a while as I become aware of MY roll in my life and my choices. t's been a long journey, but one I have to take if I want to get past "Groundhog Day".

POST

I saw my counselor today and shared my thoughts on needing so much affirmation that I am motionless until I receive it. She agreed that it comes from my male dominated childhood.

The thing that really amazed me was that I am finally able to see the entire cylce of my being stuck. My desperation for male approval leads to my being with men, any man, but generally they are men who are not worthy. That leads to me being in precarious, dangerous situations. The fear I get from being in those situations makes me doubt my ability to make a good choice. So I am back to seeking validation from men.

The sad part is that this all started because, as a child, a ended up with a "not nice" man who my parents trusted. Even at a young age I sensed he was bad news. But I trusted my parents so I went with him, against my own judgment. Needless to say, it was a very bad move. Very bad. And because I went with him, I believed it was my fault.

Today, for the first time, I realized it was not my fault. I KNEW he was bad news. And now, 55 years later, I KNOW I can trust my judgment. If I had been able to follow my instincts as a child, I would have not gone with that man. But that wasn't my choice.

So I FINALLY understand why I have never been able to trust my judgment........why I just sit and wait for a man to tell me what to do.

Not anymore. My instincts are just as sharp now as they ever were. Only now I am going to listen to them. AND because I know i have good instincts, I am no longer needy for validation.

So.............the new book begins. This time it is going to be a journey that is savored on a daily basis, rather than flying to the end. Each motion, each thought will be cherished. This time the journey shall be mine!! No more seeking approval. No more. I don't need a man to tell me what or who I am, or what to do or when. I am losing weight for me. Not to please some man. Not to win some mans' approval. This time it is for me.

EV

THis is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!!!! Psalm 118:24
IEv

May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!


WOODSANDWIND - 12:39PM PDT, Oct 11th 2012

woodsandwind
Up nort'

In order to complete my divorce, I need to get a job to supplement my disability benefits. In half an hour, I will be interviewing for a PT job as bookkeeper with a chiropractor. (I hope I haven't jinxed myself by saying that!)

I have been hired at our local Target on the sales floor but am very concerned about my ability to be on my feet all day. It's not fear talking. The truth is that my weight is finally taking it's toll on my legs, hips and ankles. This last summer I was laid up for 5 weeks when I hurt my back and I've never really gotten my stamina back. I feel like I am 10 years older. Grrrrr.

Target has told me that I can always be put on as a cashier and I would be allowed to have a chair at my register, so that is always an option.

Now that I am not afraid to move forward with my life, to face my financial burdens without running to my husband, the doors are opening up. Or maybe it's just that I'm walking through them instead of going back. I know I am better off on my own. As long as I stay with him, I will be degraded and I will eat for comfort. It is what I do when I am alone. It makes me feel better. Tailspin.

OK. Interview in 25 minutes. Need to do some serious buoying up here! I am a capable happy person who can do this job! And I need to convince him of that. They say that an employer makes up his mind about you as soon as they see you. I better have my happy face on!!! Wish me luck.

Note: Two days ago I told my husband not to call or come over if he plans on telling me what to do. Haven't heard from him since. He's waiting for me to break and call him, which in his mind, means he wins. I've always said it doesn't mean that. But maybe, in all honesty, that is just what it does mean. If I call him and he doesn't change, he does win, doesn't he. Rhetorical question. Damn.....the truth can stink.

And,yes, I know that this sounds bizarre. If you read enough of my "stuff", you will understand why. Scars are pretty deep.



May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!


WOODSANDWIND - 2:55PM PDT, Oct 11th 2012

woodsandwind
Up nort'

Well, that was the shortest interview on record. In and out in 9 mimmutes. I know it isn't a good sign when the interviewer says, "We'll let you know either way." I've NEVER been hired if they told me that. Oh well. On to Plan B: It's off to Target tomorrow morning.

Ev

May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!


WOODSANDWIND - 7:28PM PDT, Oct 11th 2012

woodsandwind
Up nort'

Still feeling apprehensive about tomorrow. Some bug is burrowing in my brain, and I don't know what it is. Fear? Failure? Incompetence?

I know part of the problem is that I've gotten so heavy that moving around for extended length of time is difficult. So instead of failing I want to not do it at all. I want to not work on the sales floor and be put on a cash register instead.

Maybe my counseling is paying off. Waaaaaay in the back of my brain, there's a tiny thought saying, "Maybe you CAN be on your feet all day. Maybe you aren't as out of shape as you fear. You know you will be sore tomorrow. You haven't been on your feet all day long for a long time. But you won't die from it. It will be the start of your new life. Instead of running, you will face tomorrow. And the pain you will feel is just that. Pain for unused muscles. It is called growth. The other option is to run, sit and slowly die. "

My goodness. That little voice sure had a lot to say. G'night.

Ev

May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!

Last Edited: 7:29pm PDT, October 11th 2012

TMOORE1 - 9:49AM PDT, Oct 12th 2012

tmoore1

Sorry the first interview didn't go well. :-(
Being on one's feet all day is a b*tch. I can vouch for that one. I teach high school, and I'm not just standing, I'm pounding on my feet all day as a walk around the classroom.

Ev, this might be blessing in disguise. I'm not trying to gloss over it - it'll be tough. But I was teaching when I was 390 pounds and the painpainpain in my legs and feet was a MAJOR motivator for me. I knew I had to do something about my weight or I couldn't take it much longer.

I'm still fat by any measure, but it is *so much* better. So maybe you'll find working gives you an edge to keep on track and get that weight off as fast as safely possible.

Hang in there.

Toni

"I can do it. I will do it."


WOODSANDWIND - 5:34PM PDT, Oct 12th 2012

woodsandwind
Up nort'

Toni,
I hear what you're saying. And I do appreciate it. That's why I wanted to be on this forum, for the 100+, because you all can understand what an ordeal it is to carry this much weight around. It is so difficult that I think that's why I just sit. It's too much work to move around. But that's what's scared me more than anything else. I know if I don't move, it's a done deal.

This morning I woke up and got ready for work. Just as I was ready to leave the house, I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to walk for 6 hours. So I called in to tell them but the office wasn't yet open.

So I drove the mile to work and called them from the parking lot. I explained how I took the job on the sales floor because I was afraid they wouldn't hire me if I told them how tough it was to walk. I said I wanted to work but not on the floor all day. They asked where I was and I told them I was in my truck in the parking lot. They told me to come in and we'd talk.

I went in and spoke with the first gal who interviewed me. She asked me what I wanted to do and I explained I either wanted shorter hours or a different position. She said she'd call the gal who hired me and get back to me. I was really surprised when she asked if I would at least go to the area I was hired for and just start the training, that I could work for as long as I could physically handle it, and then I could go home. I reluctantly agreed.

That was at 8 this morning. Can you believe it? I made it through the whole shift!! And although my feet are tired, and my ankle is sore, I didn't die!!! I actually enjoyed it!! The trainer was a sweet 27 year old teddy bear who reminded me of my son. The customers were (overall) pretty nice. And I loved being back at work.

Toni........you are right. This entire ordeal was a blessing in disguise. It is EXACTLY what God decided I needed. A job that would build my self esteem and get me off my butt and give me financial freedom.

I know I can do this every day now. I am so proud of me! It took a little bit of encouragement but I didn't run away this time!! And it was SOOOO much better than I thought it could ever be.

By the time I got home I was glad to give my poor feet a rest, and I can't wait to climb into bed, but I'm looking forward to tomorrow.

Yes, this was a blessing, one I did not see coming!!! But then, most blessings come that way, don't they??? :heart2:
Ev

May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!

Last Edited: 5:37pm PDT, October 12th 2012

WOODSANDWIND - 5:41PM PDT, Oct 12th 2012

woodsandwind
Up nort'

...

Ev

May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!

Last Edited: 12:38pm PDT, October 13th 2012

TMOORE1 - 7:40PM PDT, Oct 13th 2012

tmoore1

Ev! What a wonderful, affirming post! Thank you so much for sharing it.

<hugs> You did it, girl!!!

I hope you can hear yourself, hear how brave and amazing you are. It certainly shows through to the rest of us.

(and I'm sorry more people aren't active in the group right now. It happens; people come and go. They'll be back)

Toni

"I can do it. I will do it."


TMOORE1 - 7:46PM PDT, Oct 13th 2012

tmoore1

Oh! Incidentally, (your post has got me thinking...) not only CAN you do it every day, every day will get better and better, because you're going to lose weight! So your poor feet will be rewarded for hanging in there. :-) Hold on to that thought: each day it's going to be easier!

Practical stuff: get those feet elevated when you get home. Lotsa pillows under your feet and ankles so gravity can help any swelling go down. Back when, I couldn't really reach my feet by myself to massage them, but I could always soak them. That helps too. A soak, while sitting on the edge of the tub, in hot water with epsom salts. Keep those feet healthy!

Toni

"I can do it. I will do it."


WOODSANDWIND - 8:15PM PDT, Oct 13th 2012

woodsandwind
Up nort'

Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I couldn't do it.

Yesterday, the first day of work, I gave it all I had. And when I got home I felt energized. But today, when I got to work, I hit the wall. I felt like I was being pulled under water and couldn't find the surface. It is how I imagine people feel after runnning a 26k race.

I talked to my trainer and the store manager and we decided to have me try being a cashier. I'm just not in good enough shape to do the floor sales yet.....unless they can put me on fewer hours, which probably isn't best for them. They need someone on the floor.

So..............I'm looking at other options. My plan is to start exercising seriously, build myself up as I lose weight and then hope they will have an opening in the same dept in the springtime. I found out yesterday that electronics is the busiest dept in the store, and it also includes books, toys, automotive and seasonal!

I've stuck to the diet today. And even got on the stepstool and measured and cut the last piece of trim for the ceiling that my lazy no good nik husband never finished. I will be SOOO glad when the divorce is done. Cleaned up the living room a bit, have kept the kitchen clean (I usually let dishes stack up.......bad practice), and am feeling pretty good.

Appreciate the feet advice, Toni. I admit I am afraid where I'm headed if I don't lose weight NOW. My brother, who is only 57, is in ICU since 9-12. His issues are different because he has major liver disease from alcohol abuse, but 3 of his 4 veins to his legs have arteriorsclerotic disease, so he's in big trouble. Not much feeling and the skin is breaking down from bed sores, partly from lying so much and partly from poor circulation. And he's a little guy. I don't want to end up like him.

I admit I've babied myself. I don't like to get tough, to push myself. But if I dont, I'm in trouble.

So...................on to Plan B. I have tomorrow off (Sunday) and then my boss said to report to work on Monday and we'll figure something out. Fingers crossed.

And good for you, Toni! Let's just keep on encouraging each other. And don't worry about what you don't do. Build on what you DID do! (It just would have sounded too weird if I said, "Build on what you do do!";)

For what it's worth, I almost cancelled out of CK last night. I figured what's the use........I can't even walk for a day without passing out. But that was me feeling sorry for me. I was happy to see your post. Thanks for caring. Tomorrow is another day.

Ev

May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!


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