I've been asked to post my "stuff" on a separate thread so it doesn't get lost in the 100+ daily posts. Sure, I can do that!
This is sort of a journal for me. Things I don't share with anyone else I put on CK. And even though it doesn't always appear to be about my eating habits, I've learned that my behaviour does affect my eating.
I find it interesting that since I started posting a lot of personal and painful things here, my ability to open up to my counselor, and the many small successes in my personal growth, have improved tremendously. And as I break free from my old "stinking thinking" and the ghosts from my past, my self-esteem has grown and my belief in my ability to be successful in losing weight will grow as well.
So, I"m going to post some stuff I've already posted. And if you choose to follow along, you'll see me go into tailspins, regain control and then soar for a while as I become aware of MY roll in my life and my choices. t's been a long journey, but one I have to take if I want to get past "Groundhog Day".
I saw my counselor today and shared my thoughts on needing so much affirmation that I am motionless until I receive it. She agreed that it comes from my male dominated childhood.
The thing that really amazed me was that I am finally able to see the entire cylce of my being stuck. My desperation for male approval leads to my being with men, any man, but generally they are men who are not worthy. That leads to me being in precarious, dangerous situations. The fear I get from being in those situations makes me doubt my ability to make a good choice. So I am back to seeking validation from men.
The sad part is that this all started because, as a child, a ended up with a "not nice" man who my parents trusted. Even at a young age I sensed he was bad news. But I trusted my parents so I went with him, against my own judgment. Needless to say, it was a very bad move. Very bad. And because I went with him, I believed it was my fault.
Today, for the first time, I realized it was not my fault. I KNEW he was bad news. And now, 55 years later, I KNOW I can trust my judgment. If I had been able to follow my instincts as a child, I would have not gone with that man. But that wasn't my choice.
So I FINALLY understand why I have never been able to trust my judgment........why I just sit and wait for a man to tell me what to do.
Not anymore. My instincts are just as sharp now as they ever were. Only now I am going to listen to them. AND because I know i have good instincts, I am no longer needy for validation.
So.............the new book begins. This time it is going to be a journey that is savored on a daily basis, rather than flying to the end. Each motion, each thought will be cherished. This time the journey shall be mine!! No more seeking approval. No more. I don't need a man to tell me what or who I am, or what to do or when. I am losing weight for me. Not to please some man. Not to win some mans' approval. This time it is for me.
THis is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!!!! Psalm 118:24
May we all be filled with sisu - the tenacity to keep fighting the good fight!