I do have a scale. I do not use it.
I am just lazy.......or unmotivated. I'm not sure.
Neither is really true. The truth is I sit and wait for validation for men so I can believe in myself. I see me the way men say they see me. That comes from trying to win the approval of my alcoholic abusive father and abusive husband.
I believe I am what they say I am. Or in my husband's case, since he refuses to say anything good or kind to me, I believe I am unworthy.....a nothing. And I've stayed, trying to win his approval.
Well, I am forcing myself to move forward, to do things, to take even tiny steps without his approval. I can do this. I don't need permission nor validation. I'm smart enough to know that my opinion of myself is closer to the truth than their opinion of me. The fact that my dad and husband are both abusers should tell me that their perceptions of females are skewed.
So,,,,,,,,,,,,I had a healthy stir fry for supper. And I scrubbed my kitchen floor on my hands and knees. That was a bone cruncher.
And I called my husband to tell him about this stuff and he called me stupid and said he'd never give me a compliment and he hung up. AND I DON"T CARE!!!
I'm smart enough to know I'm a good kind lady who got buried under a ton of weight because I just sat, waiting for his approval.
No more sitting. It is time for action. I am going to live my life the way it SHOULD have been lived..............based on MY belief in myself. No more waiting.
And suddenly this all seems so do-able. It makes so much sense. It feels like an act of total defiance. I admit I am afraid when I do something without his approval. But I am forcing myself to get up and do it anyway. I AM 60 years old. I think I can make a decision on my own......a good decision. Time to do the dishes and clean the bathroom floor.....knee crunching time again. Defying an abuser is very liberating. And losing weight and becoming attractive again is an absolute act of defiance and insubordination!! Watch the weight roll off now!!
Last Edited: 3:54pm PDT, October 9th 2012