Taming the Harsh Internal Self-critic

All of us have goals - wants and needs we desire to attain. Some of us are proactive, and go out and try to achieve what they want, but unfortunately, most of us end up never achieving all we want out of life.

The reasons for this are manyfold. One of the key, fundamental reasons is that we often shoot ourselves in the foot with our negative, self-defeatist attitudes. These attitudes often set in after some failure, where we criticize our performance or effort in an exaggerated and unfair way.

By seeing ourselves as helpless, stupid, inefficient or incompetent, we condition ourselves to not even try the next time, and we get depressed. Psychologists recognize that what we are unconsciously doing is setting up a "vicious circle" behavior pattern, where our failures reinforce a growing belief in ourselves that we are failures, meaning we never achieve anything worthwhile. And of course, like all vicious circles, once we are in them, it is very hard to break out, even if we have insight (are aware) of what our minds are doing.

Taming this harsh self-critic boils down to one simple concept: dealing with failure. Failure is inevitable, in whatever field of endeavour one may choose to mention. Even the most successful people in their respective fields have at some stage failed. Failure is a sign that you need to try a new approach and work harder, not that you are incapable of completing the task.

Successful people do have self-critics, it's just that they are rational. When they have failed because they are out of their depth, then they will recognize this. And when they have failed because they haven't worked hard enough at the task, then their self-critic will chide them to work harder, not to give up and never try again. Guilt, fear and apprehension are foreign concepts to a successful person, even after they fail.

The good news is that psychological research suggests people can learn to be more self-confident and to modify their self-critic so that it is a help rather than a hindrance. Below is a series of steps we have found to be useful to people with low self-confidence and a harsh self-critic. Give it a go, and see how it works for you.

1. Gain Insight

Before we can attack detrimental thinking and behavior, we have to be able to identify thoughts that are emanating from our harsh self-critic. Psychiatrists call this "gaining insight", which just means we have come to understand the motivations behind our actions. This is harder to achieve than it may sound, but once you have learnt to identify your self-critic working, the job is half done. All you then have to do is modify the thought processes of your self-critic.

When you are confronted with a task that you feel is "beyond" your capabilities, there are two possible thought processes going through your mind. One immediately dismisses the suggestion as way too hard, without really even thinking about it. In this instance, we don't explore what it is that is frightening us into not trying. For instance, your mother may have said to you as a child: "Why don't you become an astronaut?" Sure, this is a lofty goal, but most of us dismiss the idea out of hand without really knowing why we are dismissing the idea.

Insight is hard to gain in these situations unless you consciously stop yourself during the process of dismissing an idea and ask yourself one simple question: "Why?" Why am I dismissing this idea? What are the reasons making it obvious why I can't do this? Am I being self-defeatist because I've failed before?

Perhaps, with some tasks, you haven't dismissed them simply because you haven't even thought that potentially, you may able to do that task. The self-critic inside of you hasn't even allowed you to fantasize about being a high achiever. To open your horizons to what is possible, try fantasizing about how you would love your life to be, what job you would have, who you would be married to, where you are living. Ask you friends what their dreams and aspirations are. Transpose these into your own life and ask yourself "Why not?"

The other option that may go through your mind is that you quickly run over the reasons why you aren't going to attempt a task, and then dismiss it. This is your self-critic talking: "I'm not going to ask him out because I'm not beautiful/smart/successful enough for a guy like him". This is better than the other two situations above because it gives you a better opportunity to identify when you may be being too hard on yourself.

When you find that you are criticizing yourself, stop and consider whether that criticism is justified. But perhaps the only guaranteed way to silence a harsh internal self-critic is to prove it wrong. When it tells you you can't or won't do something, use this as motivation to give it your best shot. If you succeed, you will have broken the vicious cycle and you can begin to work on making a positive reinforcement cycle where success breeds self-confidence and self-esteem which in turn breeds more success. Hopefully, this cycle will be as difficult to break as the negative cycle of failure-criticism-failure.

2. Instead of drawing negative conclusions, learn to be positive

If one feels that there is genuinely a chance that they will succeed at a task, then it is actually pretty uncommon to go on to avoid that task. So if we have hope, we don't need a harsh internal self-critic. Fortunately, there are many ways to increase your hope, which in reality boils down to improving your self-esteem. Once you've got self-esteem in spades, being positive will be a cinch.

The key to improving self-esteem is to set reasonable, attainable goals and then go on to succeed in realizing those goals. It really doesn't matter how trivial the goal may be, or how inconsequential those around you think it is, as long as you succeed, then you'll feel better about yourself.

By setting perhaps trivial, small goals to start with, you don't allow your internal self-critic to gain a hold, and constantly chide you when failure occurs with "I told you so", or something along those lines. Once you've started to build confidence, then test yourself with a more taxing goal. Gradual, incremental increases in the potential difficulty of tasks will allow your skills to develop without the impediment of negativity.

The danger with this technique is that you will shoot for the stars too early, which will lead to inevitable failure. This will fuel your self-critic, and you'll have actually gone backwards compared to where you were when you first started. For this reason, we cannot emphasise how important it is to set reasonable, attainable goals that gradually increase in difficulty as you succeed and your confidence grows. The key factor in determining how you feel about some new task, is, according to recent psychological research, based on past experience. Good experiences therefore breed self-confidence and that leads to more success and fulfillment in life.

Another good technique to increase your positive thinking is to compare your situation with others who have succeeded at something you'd like to achieve. For example, you may know a friend who went to law school, but you're a little unsure whether you have what it takes. People who have "trail-blazed" in front of you are commonly a great solace if you are lacking confidence. Knowing that people just like you (in intelligence, wealth, education, socio-economic situations) have done what you want to do silences swiftly an overly negative internal self-critic, as the obvious question to pose is - "If they can do it, why can't I?"

Another technique other people have found very successful is to examine in close detail what the excuses our self-critic supplies for us when we decide against doing something. When you think really carefully about them, they often appear pretty silly (even cop-outs), and once you've dismissed these as being silly, you're free to go on and attempt that task.

Commonly, what our self-critic is telling us is: "You've failed at something like this before, you'll fail again this time." This problem is best approached with positive thinking. Think to yourself:

• "Who ever heard of someone succeeding without first failing a few times?"
• "I've made some mistakes in the past, but I'm determined to do it right this time"
• "I owe it to myself to try to achieve this, no matter how long or how many times it takes"
• "Am I going to keep dwelling on this past failure, or am I going to get on with my life?" (nothing heals the pain of a past failure like achieving at that task the second time around)

Hopefully, you'll be able to come up with your own positive, personal statements that resonate fully and motivate you. Use this favorite statement whenever you feel like quitting at something you'd really like to achieve, or when you are considering attempting some task.

Being firm and disciplined is an intrinsic part of being successful when we decide to attempt something. Therefore, always be sure before you try something that you really want it, as, if you are half-hearted in approaching some task, you are much more likely to lose motivation and fail. But your self-critic doesn't factor in your motivation. To it, you have just failed again, and you'll be constantly reminded of this at every opportunity. Being firm and disciplined is really a function of positive thinking, so that if you are positive, you should just naturally be also determined and firm in attempting tasks.

Beware also of reaching for perfection. If you must achieve perfection in absolutely everything you do, even if you are totally unfamiliar with a task, then it's likely that you will suffer from a harsh internal self-critic, and you'll never be satisfied, no matter how much you may achieve. This is because perfection is impossible to attain. For many people, a perfectionist streak is vital to their success, but they only usually apply that attitude to something that they are already good at so as to motivate themselves.

No one is a perfectionist when they first start to learn the piano, even though they may develop into the most obsessed, perfectionist piano maestro the world has ever seen. So the message is: don't start a task aiming for perfection - you may one day try to attain perfection in that task, but unrealistic expectations early on are bound to end in tears. And your self-critic will have won again.

3. Assess rationally what you have achieved

It's not uncommon at all for us to not recognize fully what it is that we have achieved in the past. In this way, our self-critic is actually wrong. You don't always fail, you can succeed, you've achieved so much in the past.

If you consciously think this way, then your self-critic is embarrassed into silence next time you are confronted with a task you'd like to achieve. So next time your self-critic tells you you are worthless or destined to failure, run off in your mind some of your past glories and achievements.

These things may be obvious, but in the heat of the moment, we may momentarily forget what it is that we have achieved, and then our self-critic will have thwarted us. So, for this reason, take a moment when you aren't being challenged about something to make a mental note of what is that you have achieved in your life.

Really, any achievement is potentially applicable. Try to think of something that you are proud of, as some particular achievements come easily to some which may be very difficult for others to achieve. An example here might be graduating from school or college. To some, college is a breeze from start to finish, and if you are one of those lucky people, then using a college degree as proof of your ability to succeed may leave you open to accusations by your self critic that you are being a touch disingenuous.

But for others, finishing college is a great effort, an accomplishment achieved against adversity and in the face of many doubting Thomases. Really any achievement will do. If you're having trouble, how about: getting married, having kids, backpacking around America, getting your first job, getting your first promotion. You're only limited here by your imagination. Friends and relatives will be able to help you out if you're really stuck. They are usually all too willing to point out why you are special anyway.

Once you've got a good list of things that you've achieved, the next time you are feeling negative or have low self-esteem, remind yourself of all that you have achieved. "If I've achieved that, then I can achieve much more".

4. Learn new skills to go with your new attitude

Before you try a particularly hard new task, a great way to improve your chances of success is to prepare thoroughly beforehand. For most things, this boils down to one word - education. Before you start a new job, research what is really involved in that job. Ask others who have held similar positions what their experiences have been.

A very common mode of career progression in today's world is to gradually move into management-type positions several years into a career. The problem is that most people moving into management positions did not train for it, and have little to no experience in management. Instead of jumping into a management position, read a few books on simple management techniques. A small amount of research at this stage will not only increase your chances of success, it will also help you decide if you really want the new job ("Will I even enjoy managing?" - a question not many people pose for themselves).

Regardless of what the new task or opportunity is, there are always ways to better prepare yourself. A good attitude will only get you so far - you also need to have the skills to complete the task. Remember, unnecessary failure just motivates your self-critic to become even more vitriolic in its attacks on your self-confidence.

5. Accept failure when it comes

Failure is something we all must face in our lives. Failure can either damage your self-confidence, or it can supply you with an opportunity to analysis where you went wrong to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again.

In this way, failure is turned around from being a negative to being a positive. Failure should never be accepted without it first being explained why your actions resulted in failure. The way to do this is to ask - "Why? What was it that made me fail, what can I do in the future to make sure the same thing doesn't happen again?"

Hopefully, you'll reach the conclusion that you failed because you'd bitten off more than you could chew, or because you weren't well enough prepared, or due to factors beyond your control. Don't conclude that you failed because you are a failure, that you fail at everything you do, that failure the next time you attempt a similar task is inevitable.

At the end of the day, if you've failed at something despite giving it everything you've got, then there is no shame in admitting this failure. No one is perfect, no one never makes the wrong decisions, no one ever gets through life unscathed. Give it your best shot, and see what happens.