Weigh-in went up again today. 189. I'm torn between whether I want to rant and rave about how mad and disappointed with myself I am (which will make me even madder and more emotional, which doesn't help anything), or whether I want to just hold it in and not talk about it at all (which is pretty counter productive to not even acknowledge the problem).

Making plans makes me feel better, makes me feel like there's a way this'll all work out well. But if we look at every time I make a plan, how often do I follow through? The chart-making and goal-setting is all well and good on paper, but I have no accountability. I can ask my husband to have me report to him, but there's a very strong feeling of a parent grounding a child or some other power imbalance that shouldn't exist between a husband and wife. I should be accountable to myself. I should be able to just DO IT. There's no reason to not be able to stop myself from picking up something terrible to eat; there's no body snatcher forcing the food down my throat.

Nonetheless, even after mistake after mistake after mistake, I have to try again. I'm putting myself on a bit more of a restrictive diet that has no room for negotiation or justification. It's against every peice of advice I've ever received about eating in a way that I can maintain for life, but that isn't working. Maybe this will be how I eat for the rest of my life, god knows I can't maintain my weight on anything resembling a "normal" diet. 1500 calories a day seems to be my maintenence intake. Given the average size of all the women (and some of the men) on my mom's side of the family, it definitely seems that we have a somewhat less than perfect metabolism - probably a good thing when we were living in caves and could make do on much less than others, but not so good now with the abundance of north american living.

Anyways, the only diet I've been really successful on was the South Beach diet - I lost nearly 40lbs in two months, and kept most of it off for over a year. It's kind of like Atkins in regards to a focus on low-carb intake, but different in that it's not dumb about it. The first 2-4 weeks it's absolutely zero-carb, even fruit. Nuts, vegetables, dairies, and meat/eggs. The second phase reintroduces some select carbs, primarily only natural sugars and as unprocessed as possible grains (whole grain breads, high-fibre cereals) but still keeps it to a minimum. The second phase lasts until you get to your goal weight. The third phase is supposed to be the "lifetime" phase and is generally just good eating. Processed foods should be kept to a minimum, as well as white bread and pasta. I've been pretty good with it so far today. We'll see if I can keep it up for more than half a day this time.