I had a rough day yesterday. I don't know if I have said this to everyone here or not, but I have been out on short term disability since the end of Sept. I had a wierd episode literally overnight where I woke up one day and was almost manic. (turns out long story short didn't fit that diagnosis) had high high anxiety and was very agitated. I could not sit down for 2 seconds. I had to keep moving. For example, I weeded my whole yard by hand one day, and there were A LOT OF WEEDS!!! It was awful. I couldn't even take care of my kids- we had to find a babysitter that kept them all day while my husband was at work. So, after the doc got rid of that after a couple of LONG MONTHS, it through me into a bad depression with anxiety still there pretty bad. It took till 2 weeks ago to get the medications totally stabilized. I got stablized enough to take care of my kids again by the week before Christmas. But my doctor would not let me go back to work yet. The medications kept giving me migranes, or the next one would not work and I would have swinging moods or something...... anyways.... I have been begging to go back to work since Christmas... She finally agreed to let me last week. Said I could go back in 2 weeks since this new med seemed to be working finally.
So the bad news....got a certified letter in the mail saying my job was gone. not even a phone call, a stupid letter was all I get after 5 plus years there. I am a nurse. I can get a job in 30 sec we are so in demand. But I will not do day care. Its just a thing with me. So there are only so many hours i can work. I had a job where I just worked Fri and Sat nights and got paid as if I worked 36 hours. it was great. except that I have worked every weekend since my oldest, almost 6 yrs old, was born.
So..... I am freaked out...... my husband says its for the best.... maybe I need to stop working every weekend ....maybe working PRN, as needed and making my own schedule will be better... I want to be excited about that idea. The idea of having some weekends off.... but working the same amt of hours a week for less money?????

SO my goals for yesterday
Horrible nutrition Stayed under calories
Water almost none
Stupid Head cold and headache won't let go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no exersize
no alcohol had some tequila ( not much, but still counts)
no sweets smart ones dessert, dove mini choc egg, mini reeses cup lots of sugar---atleast I stayed under calorie
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Goals for today
Eat more fruits and veggies
Stay under calorie
Water
Thats it. well take care of me too.

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God, I know you are in control. You have kept me out of work this long for a reason. You have Dr. JO in control right now for a reason. I just need to TRUST. Not my agenda, but yours.... I KNOW you have my best in mind. So why do I freak out??? Why do I worry so much-want my agenda???? I want to trust you. I know Jason is OK with this job change. I know you let it happen for a reason. I am trying to trust here. I know it will be ok. YOu will provide for us. I will get enough work prn to let us make ends meet. Money is not everything. Working every weekend was hard. It really was. Having flexibility will be nice. It really will. We switched to Jason's insurance in January for the first time ever in our marriage. We have always been on mine. Wow, wansn't that convienient. Now I don't even have to worry about lose of benefits and all that mess. Please calm my heart. Enable me to fully trust. I want to, I really do.
erika