LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Sunday, Sep 30 2007

View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day

Its 2:30am - I woke up at 2 to a huge clap of thunder that started my heart racing. It interrupted a dream musical (as in a musical production) where people were beginning to sing/dance about the great strike of 2001. (!?!?) I think being woken up was probably a good thing if that's where this dream was headed.

If pregnancy is in the air, so is marital conflict apparently. My heart is breaking in a hundred different places.

Edited from an email to my sister: "I'm freaking out a bit - okay, a lot. I don't know what to do. S and I are having the worst argument of our relationship right now. Its beyond a tiff and is well into openly hostile territory. It the kind of thing where I'd leave for a few days (at the least) if I didn't have a child. I'm not sure I ever truly appreciated the degree to which a child ties you to a particular physical location (this house).

I think I can say with objectivity that he is being very unreasonable. He is upset with me for going to Indy over Thanksgiving. I asked him several months ago if that would be alright with him, and it was at that time. (He now says that he didn't want to object to it when the chances were so slim of me going - my feeling is that its either okay or not, and honestly is warranted regardless of likelihood). When I went to book the tickets on Friday and innocently asked him what credit card he wanted them on, he began a decent into a place I didn't know he could go. He (with a straight face) tells me its excessive to go see my grandma once a year. That I'm putting myself and Will and the baby in jeopardy by flying during a busy time (a - I checked with the dr who said it was okay, b - he was willing to drive with Will outside of a car seat today, c - its a 1:40 long, nonstop flight - hardly continent jumping). He says we need to start our own traditions (okay, but he has NEVER cared about holidays before now and my grandma will be dead soon enough). He says its too expensive (its $600 for 2 seats, but he refuses to discuss monthly budgeting with me).

If I had to guess what is REALLY going on in his head, its that he doesn't think I should either be able to, or (even) want to, take Will anywhere away from home. He probably thinks I shouldn't go anywhere either, but (I think) he is at least reasonable enough to see that he couldn't realistically stop me from going somewhere, but he can tell me I shouldn't take our child somewhere. I'm completely at a loss.

I don't know what to do short term or long term. Short term, I desperately wish I could leave for several days, but I can't leave Will. And if I take Will with me, S will lose it completely. And S won't leave because he genetically incapable of leaving his comfort zone. Long term, this is significant. Regardless of how this episode turns out, how am I going to be able to take Will or the baby anywhere in the future if this what I face? Even if I could find some reasonable explanation for this issue in him, or some compassion for what he must be feeling to be so extreme, on principle I CANNOT allow this type of manipulation to curtail what I want to do with myself or my children. I can't figure out what to do."

I thought of potential compromise after the thunder woke me up, but it would only partially address the traveling issue - it wouldn't address the dozens of other things around this event (communication - substance and style, money, family/inlaw balancing, values) that feel so hugely problematic to me. Or the fact that I don't see how a person recovers love for someone (who has privileged access to your deepest warts) who implies you wish your child harm.

I thought this evening about a phrase I think Callie used once in her blog about how children are your heart living outside your body. Sometimes when I watch Will playing, I literally choke with heartache. The only way not to drown in it (for me) is to try to put the feeling into words, and what I came up last night with was something like - it seems so BRAVE of Will to interact with world with such good faith. The world won't return the favor nearly enough to satisfy me. I feel gutted with the vulnerability of him.

Next »

« Previous


5 comments so far.


a decade ago

ohhh, this is the last thing you should have to deal with. I'm sorry Lynnie. it seems... so irrational to me that S (and Eric even) would be like this because it seems like a) a weekend to be a bachelor would be welcome and b) family is important. I also let out an audible "yeah!" when Callie said "it's HIS choice not to go with me" because I was wonderin' the same thing... why doesn't S go with you? I do understand the money crunch, I'll be happy to send you my credit card miles for another ticket. :laugh5:




a decade ago

Being of the non-married persuasion, I don't have experience to base this on ... that, of course, has never stopped me from offering an opinion. =D Standing outside of this, thinking, "If I were Lynn, how would I feel and what would I want to say?" ... and I think Callie pretty much covered the territory. I'll keep you in my prayers this week, sweet friend. You know where to find me if you need me.

by REV



a decade ago

Okay, settle in for a long one. ;) Because Eric does THE EXACT SAME THING. I go see my grandmother a few times a year, and I ALWAYS ask him first. Yet within a few days of my leaving he suddenly informs me that he doesn't think I should go; that he doesn't want to be away from the boys; that it's much too long of a drive. WTF? And you couldn't tell me this several months earlier when I planned the trip?! I finally told him during the last trip-prep-fight that this wasn't open for discussion anymore. 1.) I am not a mind reader. 2.) I expect honesty from him, and will not enter into a discussion where I wonder if what he is saying is the truth. 3.) If he has a problem with my plans, he needs to tell me when I open the discussion and we can talk about it, NOT when leaving is imminent. 4.) These are my children as well and it is TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY insulting for him to imply that I can not take care of them properly or that I am willing to put them at risk. I am neither stupid not incapable of making decisions about myself and my family. 5.) Do not try to keep me from my family. Ever. The fact that I want my children to know their great grandmother should be seen as a loving gesture. And the last thing I point out? I have never told him not to come with me. He is always welcome to be there. It is HIS choice not to go with me. :$ How do you like me making this all about myself? But really, I think you should syick to your guns. Print out the letter, or write a new one if you feel the one above is too blunt. And deal with it NOW. This last time I went to my grandmother's was actually fine and amicable and easy, because the time before I finally got fed up and made him sit down and discuss guidelines and acceptable behavior. But this was after 4 years of dealing with it. Most importantly, I never gave in. In my opinion, these trips are/were worth the fight and effort that went into them. The same can be said for you. Calmly point out that you asked his opinion months ago, and he gave his okay. He cannot take it back at this point. If he feels it's too expensive he should have told you that. It's an hour and a half away, and I am sure you've taken Will on longer trips than that. And after this year (since you have committed yourself) you cna begin working on these new traditions he has in mind. Maybe others will tell you to offer more compromise, but having lived through that argument I am (obviously :$ ) pretty opinionated. :love: Let us know how it goes.

by CBL



a decade ago

Smells like fear in the air....fear of losing the three most precious hearts outside of "his" body. Maybe S is just factoring in the possible consequences in even the smallest choices concerning you and the children. I know it's hard to see this now, in the middle of the heat but just keep telling yourself that this is just temporary and then focus on what you and S vowed to last forever. I know the two of you will work it.




a decade ago

(((HUGS))) Lynn. I'm sorry that's the best I can do from here. Will is a lucky boy and your grandma is a lucky grandma. It is a shame S. doesn't see what he has in you. :kiss: