Friday, Jun 12 2009
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Today is a day for feeling lonely and fat and anxious.
These feelings used to be much more common than they are now, which I appreciate. But that doesnt make them any easier to deal with.
I know why I feel this way. There is an event I had committed to attending tomorrow and when I looked up directions for this event, I found out that two other individuals from a troubled/anxiety-ridden time in my past will be there. While these individuals probably meant well, they hurt me badly and remind me of my insecure, needy, out of control self in a way that makes me ashamed of myself and profoundly embarrassed.
Just thinking about seeing them revives these feelings. I cant imagine what actually seeing them will do. Beyond that is the subtle litany that women all over the world play in their heads, Theyre thinner than I am and more successful than I am.
I know I need to counter the inner voice and anxiety with positive self talk. Im just not quite there yet.
I think, more than anything, what breaks my heart is that these individuals used to be two of my best friends, in a long ago place and in a different time. I know that I associate them with all my deepest pain and shame. This reaction/anxiety is nearly all ME and has nearly nothing to do with them as individuals.
I will never forgive myself for my behavior before, during, and after my divorce from AJ. Not because I refuse to forgive myself I literally cant. I would give pretty much anything in this world to be able to forgive myself.
I SHOULD HAVE HAD THE CAPACITY TO BEHAVE IN WAY THAT WOULDNT LEAVE ME WITH YEARS AND YEARS OF REGRET AND SHAME.
In a different area of self-analyzing, several months ago, I was on a streak of taking control, of breaking ruts, and making things happen. I would like to get back to that place. Several times over the last few days, Ive found myself thinking, What was I THINKING? I couldve done XYZ. I know a lot of it has to do with feeling trapped immediately, the moment I get home, by the kids needs and by Steves need to get things done that he cant get done while I work. I resent this. There. I said it. I do. I know that within reason, Steve would be happy to let me get stuff done on my own, but Im never quote organized or energetic enough to make it happen right after I get home, but Im also not able to just let it go and not resent that I am a creature of my childrens needs anytime Im not at work. Im tired. I want a break from them. I love them, I do, and Id miss them 4 hours after being gone from them, but ugh I would die happy if someone would just take them away for 48 hours and leave me in my house. ALONE.
Im logging, but Im fairly sure that I am not restricting enough to see a loss on the scale this weekend. Im self-sabotaging by anticipating failure before its happened when I know how exactly how to prevent failure. I have been very diligent about working out every day that I come into the office.
Speaking of, its time to get the workout done. Back later.