LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog

Wednesday, Aug 26 2009

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I am having a horrible week.

My cat is sick. After hundreds of dollars and a long visit to the vet yesterday, it was determined that he has a) inflammatory bowel disease (hence the vomit and pooping everywhere); b) a bad heart, which the vet says should probably have killed him by now and is very odd since it doesn’t seem to be bothering Fatty in the last; c) arthritis; and d) 2 perfectly circular x-ray spots on his lungs (either tumors or calcified nothings.

I could deal with the above in my own way if my husband wasn’t in the picture. S has a different idea of what a person should do to prolong a pet’s life. He is profoundly disgusted by the vomit and poop, which I can appreciate since I’m not the one home cleaning it up. On the other hand, we seem to be patently unable to have a productive exchange of thoughts on the issue, and I spent 3 hours yesterday afternoon crying. It is not as if I haven’t thought that maybe Fatty has lived his good life and I should let him go. But I feel that I would not be making that decision for myself or Fatty alone, but at least in part because of S’s position. Which I could handle if Steve had found a way to say to me, “I know you love Fatty. I’m sorry he is sick. But I just can’t live with the vomit and poop everywhere. I will be there with you if you want to discuss the idea of putting Fatty down with the vet.” Nope – I’m supposed to surmise his position from mind reading and not expect support.

The cats came with me to our marriage. S is not a cat person, but he has taken good care of the cats for years now. I appreciate that. On the other hand, it feels to me like yet one more thing in a long of Items About Our Life I Do Not Get to Control. Others include our children, our home décor, travel to see family, etc. The “fault” for this is largely my own – I have very little ability to make decisions based on my thoughts alone. Sometimes that is a good thing. But not all the time. And not if it makes me feel like a rag doll without anything resembling a spine.

My husband likes to control many things. I can appreciate this desire, because sometimes I want to too. Others times I don’t care, though. Which is why I have been able to live this live we’ve chosen. On the other hand, I find myself slipping into a place which demands I get “everything” I do approved by S first.

The other item of ongoing frustration is Will’s potty training, and his utter inability to NOT do the very thing you have told him NOT to do. Normal, maybe, I don’t know. It feels excessive. And yet another thing I can only contribute to in an ancillary way because I’m not home with the kids. While I try to tell myself if it wasn’t potty training, it would probably be something else, it makes me crazy. And I have very little alternative than to just let it go. As I say to Will, he is charge of his poop and tinkle, not me. Apparently I need to internalize that a little more.

Unlike Tori, who I am envying right now, I’m NOT in an “in love with my husband place.”

I’m seeing a counselor/therapist on Thursday for some things I want help with, both personally and professionally. I don’t want to hope for too much, but I do hope for some tools, and another perspective. If I had an extravagant wish list it would be to change myself from a pessimist to an optimist, from a fairly constant self-doubter to even a mildly confident person, and from an impatient mother and employee to a patient, more far-seeing, more forgiving parent and coworker. Not realistic, I know, but if I could at least get a place where I can successfully PRETEND to be patient and far seeing and forgiving, that would be something.

I didn’t work-out yesterday, and I don’t want to today. When I am feeling badly about myself, I tend to not do the very things that might help lift my mood. Like Jennie, I am a bit of rebellion right now that lots of work food-wise, exercise-wise are only getting me to a certain point. I want the tinkerbell-sized a$$ without the work. HARUMPH.

Other items of frustration are flooding in the laundry room, and two other plumbing issues upstairs. S deals with these things because he’s home and so I add it to the list of things I get to worry about but that I can’t do much about.

I’m sensing a theme. Worry combined with feeling powerless, especially in the home arena. Which means that solve that I either have to give up the worry or find a way to feel more powerful.

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4 comments so far.


8 years ago

Poor Fatty! :heart2: I'm sorry you're dealing w/that. My husband is the same way about pet waste in the house, but somehow lately he has gotten a lot more tolerant, I think b/c he has been caring for our two geriatric pets so long that his attachment outweighs his disgust. It's too bad that the result of your different takes on the situation leaves you feeling powerless. I hope the counselor can help you sort some things out.




8 years ago

Oh, and I forgot the :kiss:!




8 years ago

I'm sorry about both the cat and the horrible week. :cry3: It's ok to not totally be in love with your husband sometimes. I'm totally with you about the control and lack thereof. Sometimes Osama takes the reins and I find myself floating along with the tide and then I think, "Wait a minute, this is NOT what I want!" If he'd taken the time to CONSULT ME, I might have been jake with the plan from the get-go instead of having to stop and negotiate it all out. And sometimes it's just too much trouble to assert myself. I can be lazy that way. I hope you and S work out something that satisfies (mostly) everyone. I guess your S and Connie's G and My O are all alike about the feline waste products. Must be a man thing.




8 years ago

:nono1: I'm sorry that Fatty is sick. I'm starting to feel some of the power struggle being out of the home, and I'm not sure what to do about it. there is a dual longing to have a strong career and to be at home with my child, and I worry that it will only become more intense as my child gets older and we possibly have more.