Monday, Sep 20 2010
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I am in a place where I could spend all my time with my children. I have never felt this until now. My mother has told me on several occasions that most parents have an age or age range where they click especially well with their children, and that you are blessed if you have a partner who clicks at the opposite times. This is my clicking time. Im not in place where I can reconsider my choices, but I am thankful I have the work/life balance to accommodate this as much as I can. I miss them terribly. All the time. Even when I go to bed at night, I think about them and think about missing them. Its not that I never lose my temper or get fed up because I do. Plenty. But Im constantly, constantly drawn back and drawn to them. Was there ever anything else so precious to me?
Many other things on my mind. Is it this time of year? Is it a series of situations? Not sure. If nothing else, Im realizing how hard it is for me to know someone is upset with me and for me not to appease that person. Its amazing how difficult it is to just live with that knowledge and not try to change that persons anger. Even though, in theory, they have no material bearing on my day to day life.
Also struggling with feelings of envy and wishes for a variety of things to be a certain way that they are not. If wishes were fishes and so on. I need the grace to leave things along when I can't control them. I desire that grace.
Cryptic, I know. But its best to be cryptic sometimes.
Fall is lovely here. We've had a fire in our family room every evening for the last week or so, and its SO cozy. The trees across the lake are starting to turn.
Do you know what Ellen said to me tonight? She said, "Are you eyeballin' me, soldier?" I almost died of laughter. She got that lovely phrase from her gentle, nonviolent, pacifist father.