Thursday, Jan 19 2012
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, my emotions overwhelm me. Its 2:00 am and I can't sleep. I have a bad cold and the insides of my ears itch.
What I'm feeling is such sadness over not being able to be with Will and Ellen more. I've had this feeling on and off ever since they were born, and it hits hard when it hits. I feel it especially acutely regarding Will because I can't really imagine how he spends his days at school. Well, I can imagine, but its different than imaging Ellen at home with Steve - one I've been part of myself, but other is having to trust the world and Will to be okay. The sadness has an element of "everything from here on out is practicing for separation". I think that is overly dramatic, but that's the kind of emotions I have in the middle of the night. It makes me teary. Its also a feeling of not quite having accepted that Will is out in the world now. I can't watch over him as much as I can't comfort myself by knowing that Steve is watching over him.
That this is hitting when I'm thinking almost constantly about law school makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing in deliberately choosing something that will keep me away from them even more than I am now. I know it will be intense. I think I will have to just really pare down my priorities (not that there is alot of fluff right now) to the kids, Steve, my work, and my health. I'll study when they are in bed and over lunch break at work. I'll try to figure out a way to make my long commute productive. I was thinking if I could record lectures somehow I could replay them on my drives to and from work. My boss, who is so amazing, has said I can work from home on Fridays during the school year, which means that I will have some extra morning and afternoon time with the kids. So - it will be hard, but I think it will be worth it.
Regarding law school, I'm 99% sure I know which program I am going to choose. One is an evening program, and one is a weekend program. I've given lots of thought to the logistics and I can't see the evening program working - I could conceivably not see Will and Ellen at all for days in a row if I leave before they are up and get home after they go to bed. And that's just not okay, for any of us. So, the weekend program it will be. Its 8:30 to 4:30 Saturday and Sunday for at least the first year and a half. After that, I can probably get to a point where I can take some classes during the week and have at least one weekend day 'free'. If I don't take any J term or summer classes, its 4 years. Otherwise, it can be 3 and 1/2 years. To me, the idea of a free summer is really appealing, but we'll see.
Both schools offered me the same scholarship, although the weekend one will require me to maintain a higher GPA than the evening one in order to renew the scholarship from year to year. I am struggling with this concept. I will work just as hard no matter what GPA I 'have' to maintain but it adds a layer of stress that I'm not crazy about. I don't know that I can really do anything about it, but I do plan to at least talk to the admission people about it. With the scholarship and my work based tuition reimbursement, the cost is manageable. We might not even have to take out any loans. Without the scholarship, it would be pretty rough. Apparently 70% of the students are able to keep their scholarships, which is comforting, but still. A source of stress when there will enough stress already. I guess the worse than can happen is that I lose the scholarship and have to take some time off to either save money or transfer.
The evening school invited me to be part of a "Fellows" program that 'only' 20 students from each class are invited to be part of - it is mostly a feel-good networking program and probably most beneficial to people who don't have the somewhat linear/progressive career path that I've been lucky enough to have, but it still made me feel really good to be invited.
So right now although I'm pretty certain I know that I'll be in the weekend program, I wish I was feeling a little more love from them. My boss is an adjunct professor in the weekend program, and I took a 2 week class there this summer that I really enjoyed, so I know the school is better than I'm feeling about it right now. I don't have to decide until early April, although I'd like to make the decision sooner since I'm not crazy about limbo about big decisions like this.
I feel so fortunate to have this opportunity - I really do. And I need to remember that when I start feeling overwhelmed.
I really don't like colds.