Friday, May 18 2007 - A Melt Down
View WILLLOSEIT's food & exercise for this day
So my mother had a stroke on my wedding day almost 5 years ago. But even before that it was touch and go that she would come to my wedding. I worked on her all summer. OK getting married later in life (at 48) you know your parents are older (my mom was 79 and my father was 80 at the time). But what mother doesn't want to see their daughter married? Even through their pains, a mother would want to be there right? Well, my mother fought me every step of the way and I did everything to help her out. From getting her a dress, ordering her shoes and talking her through her fear of being seen in a wheelchair. Ultimately I believe she talked herself into a stroke then making it completely impossible for her to be there. I am only touching the surface of the story, but suffice to say we have and always will have a tumultuous relationship.
But since the stroke, I have been there for her constantly. I call her almost everyday and I make sure my father and her have everything they need. I take care of their finances and buy her all the things she says people are "stealing" from her. Her dementia makes her think the home care workers steal from her from time to time. We humor her as there is nothing else you can do or say. The moments pass and we move on to the next crisis. Anyway last night I called and she was in a foul mood. She kept telling me that she wanted to kill my father (or the man as she was referring to him) because he was spending her money. She went on and on ranting and raving, never hearing a word I spoke to try to divert the conversation. Finally I just exploded and hung up. I have heard this same or variations of this same delusional conversation hundreds of times in the past 5 years. But the reality is she was always a difficult and unhappy person. It's just personified since the stroke. I called my sister, because my husband wasn't home. I was hysterically crying and in a rage. At the moment I just hated my mother, for all she was now and for all she did (and didn't do) for me growing up. At that moment I wished she would die and put us all out of our misery. I hated how she made me feel and anger came out of me wave after wave. My sister was a lifesaver. She talked me "down" and agreed that I get the worse of my mother all the time. She feels I am and always will be more connected to my mother than the rest of my siblings. We agreed that I am still dreaming of Donna Reed and hope beyond hope that someday my mother will change. She is a glass half full person who will never be carefree or nonchalant. She is heavy in mind and spirit and that is all any of us have ever known. I just experienced it more than anyone else....It was a rough night. I need to stop calling her as much, but of course then the guilt sets in. I especially feel sorry for my dad. He has no escape from her. It is and always will be a horrific situation.
Good news though...I didn't eat and I stayed on program. I even worked out for 50 minutes. It helped to calm me down and I never thought that could happen. I don't wish my situation on anyone, but I persevered and I am proud to have survived this melt down....Today is another day....Ciao