“I see a train wreck in the near future”, my Dr’s words replayed in my mind as I stared at the floor in the examining room . I had struggled with my weight for years, In my early twenties I had started slowly adding on the pounds, off again and on again they went. By the age of 28 it was clear I was losing my battle. Yet I pushed on with my life of breaking horses and dealing with the weight that made all my activities so much harder.
I had going without eating in my early thirties and lost all my weight and was able to keep it off for a little over two years. I was again thin and filled with energy. I managed this by eating one small meal every other day. It was then I met and married my best friend. Of course as I slipped into a normal lifestyle cooking meals for my family the weight just piled back on.
I went to counseling, but had no eating disorder to address. So it was hard to address an issue I did not have. I then started charting all my daily intake of food. I had always loved research in collage so I made my intake of food my own study. I read about nutrition over the years and compiled menus I used for healthy low calorie meals. My family’s health was excellent, but I was still obsess. Now the weight was taking a toll on my body, my knees and legs would ache and sleeping was becoming difficult. I now would fall asleep in the most inappropriate times and was becoming the joke of my family regarding my ability to sleep at the drop of a hat.
It was sometime in my middle 40’s after I had fallen and shattered one leg and broken the other. I had reconstructive bone surgery and my healing was way to slow. I was diagnosed with thyroid disease after a two year stent in a wheelchair. It seemed now my problems would be solved, medication and diet and I would be good as new. Well over 360 pounds now it was going to be a huge undertaking. Over the years it was one I was losing.
I developed hypertension taking medications I also took on the gym and diet with great dedication, yet I was developing pain in my hips which grew unbearable. Yet I kept pushing and doing my aqua aerobics for six hours a week. As the pain became my life I was now bedridden. I was given a pain Dr. to manage my drugs, which helped very little. One day on a visit with him he suggested I get a test and the results were shocking. I had developed drug induced gout in my hips. That was three years ago and since then i have slowly recovered from that, in some part, yet have lost my mobility. I now need hip replacements and have 300.2 pounds to shed.
I just want my life back. I want to be able to care for myself and spend time with my horses. I want to walk on the beach with my husband and go to the mall with my granddaughter. I want to stand once again in front of my easel and paint. Even cleaning my own home is a chore I miss greatly. Now I am looking at gastro bypass, drastic, scary yet offers me at least some shred of hope for my future. Without weight loss I will have a bleak one as I continue to spiral down in health and my quality of life. “Yes I see the train wreck”, I whispered as the tears slipped from my eyes silently.

11/17
Aqua aerobics is my choice of exercise for the time being. Low impact on my hips and joints and the water feels great as I hate the feeling of being sweaty. I also have that sense of feeling lighter in the water and moving through the pool is relaxing in itself. I am calmed by the water moving over my skin like a soft caress. As I float from time to time I am in my own dream world that happy place where you feel one with all and yourself.
I found myself a little more hunger today, but managed to keep my food intake under a thousand calories. There is a sense of stress in the house all day as Sabrina my daughter-in-law walked around with a black cloud hanging over her head and that unpleasant look on her face for the most part. I kept thinking now what dram is going on with her, she spends all her time on the phone chatting with many people, some chat just gossip and some with an agenda behind it. My husband Scott is at a CPE class for the day and I am on my own, even with the new family members who have moved in the motivation is not there to keep a tidy home. So I have more work to do and feel at times overwhelmed as it is hard being mobility challenged to care for more than just myself and Scott. So by tonight I am hurting more and feel less like going to the gym, yet I will go when Scott gets home. He is running late as he had a flat tire on the way and his cell phone is dead, so I cannot reach him and see when he will be here. So I will wait. I have made dinner and gotten most of the dishes done, just soaking a couple of baking pans. I made myself a good dinner, five ounces of baked snapper, over fries and brussell sprouts. 288 calories in all, not bad.
I am dreading the gym now, as my pain is getting worse, but I need to go and once I get in the pool I will feel great and relaxed.