“Stinking Thinking”
Thinking
I have been spending some time doing a little introspection, yes scary business for me. Looking at myself in a different prospective, I am that “Black and white”, thinker. I seem to choose to think in that form, it lessons confusion for me. “Gray Scale”, when I over think in that mode I over think everything. I am very analytical and I can think myself into all states of confusion which leads to feeling unable to make a clear cut choice and that triggers stress.
Many years ago I suffered panic attacks, horrific episode’s that at times ended in a trip to the emergency ward. Suddenly they stopped, yet at that time I did implement clearer cut thinking.
I was for years fearful of making any type of decision and depended entirely on my mother’s input, this continued until my early forties. I look now at my actions and wonder why, why I was so insecure in my own thinking. I can sum it up in a word, “worthlessness”, I was of no value and did not trust my own decision making processes. Of course I have had therapy and grown as a person and have many success stories. I do feel now I am of some worth and when given a situation make clear cut choices that are of value. Yet I still have that shadow of fear of failure lurking at times just over my shoulder.
Now why am I rattling on here, it has to do with the past and having it influence the moment, “Here and now”. My struggle with, “Stinking Thinking” still haunts me at times.Do I see any connection to my weight issues? Well I see my weight adds to my feeling of lack of self-worth and failure. I do not believe my issues are the backbone of my weight gain, but do stand in the way of weight loss. My weight gain can be traced to a medical problem that went undiagnosed for many years, no thyroid function. That lead to a host of problems which did not seem related, depression, weight gain, heart palpitations, saver leg pain, tiredness and so many more it is not worth the time to list them. My symptoms were treated as separate issues for years missing the underlying problem. While I just kept gaining weight and getting bigger. My weight impacted my relationships, even though in hindsight they were bad choices to begin with. Yet that acquired knowledge after the fact did not change my self-image. To this day when I look in a mirror, which I dislike doing, I see a person I do not know looking back at me.
I do not mentally feel fat, nor do I feel old in my mind. My mind feels young, yet that is not my mind’s eye vision of my appearance. So that in some way feels disconnected from the reflection I look at. Now there is a shift in that line of thinking when I ponder on how others view me for they only see an old fat woman who has ended up with mobility issues, for however they fill in the their reasons blanks. I have become more of a loner over the years and being an artist I am not uncomfortable by myself, it allows my creativity and my stillness. I am also more attracted to animals then people for they are less hurtful and more trustworthy.
I do like people, but dislike drama and being more of an observer of details in life I get perplexed at repeated self-destructive behaviors and choices. I tend to keep them at arm’s length, yet have had some very close friends.