2/14/12
I had a wonderful weekend with Scott in Santa Monica. I was left for the first time to work on making choices on what I ate while on vacation. I feel I had a mixed bag, some choices were great. Yet it was harder at dinner time, but I did ask with my choices for no fat and less sodium. I had wanted to make it to the gym while out but did not plan ahead for that. I would need to have purchased more gym gear. So lesson learned to take gym gear as I might have an opportunity to get to it and do some pool walking. I did however do some walking on my own and felt a little stronger when doing it. I was also happy I packed my snacks as I was able to at least eat healthy with them. I also took great care to chew my food long and slow and to make my meal time one filled with conversation and not just food gulping. Where I feel down was in my choice to have desert, not the best idea. But I did make that choice and had ice cream. I see I might have asked Scott to share one with me, a couple of bites and I think i would not have felt deprived. I did manage to leave food on my plate every meal and felt good about giving my “To go box”, to a needy homeless man who was very hungry. I feel this trip also brought Scott and I closer and has set the framework for both of us to be more understanding of each other’s needs. I am feeling more connected in my relationship. I noticed on the trip how many people were homeless and sleeping in the cold. I know many have not eaten and here I am trying not to stuff my face. It is something for me to think about and perhaps get involved with. That gives ma another reason to get healthy, I need my mobility to help others. I do know I need to keep in mind I need to care for myself as well. I need to find out who I am, I know at 62 I should know. Yet I feel out of sync with myself and need to get instep and keep on making art. I am happy when doing my art.
Drama, well we have been caring for our granddaughter. Now things have blown up as she is a teenager and wants what she wants, after a weekend with her mother here while we were gone she has become cruel and rather rude to us. So I know she will be leaving and i will miss her, I had hoped it would have been under better circumstances. I feel used, yet I know I lent myself to have that happen as I do that in my life and feel bad. I feel guilty when I get taken advantage of, blame myself and feel I chose to put myself in that victim position, yet I felt badly as this grandchild has been through so much. I was shocked that she would be so hurtful. I know she must be hurting and angry and have that “I want my cake and eat it to”, but that just is not making me feel better. I am trying to look at what thought I have, what is the trigger? I fear loss, is it that? Do I feel not worthy of being loved? I am not good with change. Am i just over thinking all this? I do know I will not let it pull me off course and in the middle of this drama I was able to get to the gym and still eat right. Choice, commitment, change, this is the kind of thing that I allow myself to get overwhelmed with. I then become like a deer in headlights, I cannot move, I am just stuck and stressed. Then the depression will set in and I am tried all the time and life seems dull and unkind and I get angry easily and of course throw my life plan out the window. This time I am going to think about my thought and what it might trigger. I will address that thought. I wonder if it can be more than one thought that is all clumped together. Perhaps is it is feeling of worthlessness. Yet I do know I have value, I need to have value to myself by caring for myself. On that note I was sent an in-home tes,t I have done it and need to get it mailed today. I also have my mamogram tomorrow morning and my “Options” class in the afternoon. I have also made an appointment with my Dr. to ask some things and get test set up that are required for my options.