this morning i decided to wake up at 5:30 am so i could get in an extra special work out. to my surprise, i actually woke up without having my mom call me twenty times. it's time i do this for me, no help required. this may sounds so weird, but i get uber tense in the gym. i cringe at the thought of having those people watch me as i climb my fat @$$ up on the elliptical trainer. i guess i've always been worried about how others perceive me, so in my head...not much has changed since high school.

i was always the "fat cheerleader." yes, yes...i was a cheerleader! i spent all of middle and high school squeezing into a uniform made for a size two so i could participate in the sport i loved. it's not what you think, i promise. i was a competitive cheerleader on a nationally and regionally ranked all star squad as well as my high school squad. not all cheerleaders are in it for the popularity and friday night attention. being made fun of throughout sophomore year, i was relieved when my mom allowed me to transfer. once i got to annandale high school (junior and senior year), things seemed to change. yes, i was still 180 pounds, but i was accepted. this was a high school that didn't see much talent on their squad, so i brought not only experience, but i was unique. i was able to throw a round-off back handspring, yet could lift the heaviest flyer (and make it look easy). i spent the last semester of junior year recovering from breaking my ankle in the district cheerleading competition. this would prove to be one of the lowest points in my life. i kept contemplating my decision on switching schools and thought i had made a huge mistake. i turned things around senior year and decided i wasn't going to let a minor set back take over my life. my squad had one goal: make it to regionals, something annandale hadn't done in five years. i promised, as captain, we would. i have never given up on anything and with tons of practice...we made it! i've never been so proud of a group of people in my life! we came in fourth place (the very last team to make it), however, we celebrated like we had just won states. we accomplished our goal...we accomplished it together.

i guess my weight loss is similar to the competition. every pound is celebrated because i am winning! i'm getting closer to my goal and leading a healthier lifestyle. even after the "minor" set backs, i'm pushing forward. after breaking off a two year relationship, i gained about thirty pounds. i hid my heartbreak with food, and boy did i do a great job! mentally, i'm focused. i've done my job in forgiving and ready to start living life for me. i'm not letting anyone or anything get in my way!

back to my fear of the gym...anyone have any ideas? maybe i could get invisible sunglasses! (like on "big daddy" with adam sandler) i just hate that most of the people who go to my gym are fit and have 20-pack abs! can i get some fat people in my life? i also have a fear of personal trainers. maybe i'm stuck in high school, but a part of me thinks they're going to make fun of me. i guess i'll have to overcome that fear by october 15th. the new gym i joined (xsport fitness) opens up then and i have signed up for a 12-session personal training package. okay, enough of the motivation mumbo jumbo...i'll update later! toodles! =)