Nope. I didn't make it. I went, again. The parking lot drove me away, again. I decided to just throw in the towel this week. No intentional exercise. At. All. None. This is the first time in over three whole months! I have now gone seven days in a row without the gym.

I still haven't slept for sh!t, either. This probably has a huge affect on the above mentioned "issue." I don't like crowds and I suspect I like them even less under these conditions. I almost started to cry yesterday because the school lost a fax. WTF? Definitely need sleep.

I am very much looking forward to my bed, my husband, and my son this evening. I feel like a zombie. I can't get enough caffeine.

Since I didn't go to the gym, I decided to go out to eat, instead. Yeah, that was a great idea. What was I thinking? It was horrible. It was salty. It was greasy. My wedding ring actually stays on my finger today because I am so bloated. I've been wearing it on my thumb. I think I stayed within calories yesterday, though. For whatever that is worth. Not much from my perspective at this point.

They are ordering pizza for lunch today. I think I will barf if I eat pizza today. Besides, I have to get the fridge in the house during lunch. I'll get something a little lighter on the tummy while I am out. Maybe a smoothie or a grilled chicken wrap from Sonic.

Update: 5 cups of coffe later (maybe more?), and after wrestling with a refrigerator for about 10 minutes, I am feeling better. I ate the pizza. They ordered veggie pizza for me, so I felt obligated. What does more bloat matter, anyway? Can I even get more bloated than I am right now? I doubt it. I feel like I can take on the world again (which is my normal emotional state). Although, I'm not exactly feeling bouncy.

Judy...you always make me smile.

I've been thinking about my emotional state these past few days. I am a "wreck" because I no longer have a sactuary. The one in Houston is all boxed up and very empty-feeling. The one in Dallas hasn't been home for a while. The one here in San Antonio...well I don't even have the keys, yet. I have to have a sanctuary. Absolutely required. I am not okay without one--hence my emotional state lately. I was okay the first week because I was too busy to think about it. That was my plan, you know? To stay too busy to think about it.

This week, I just can't stay going. And I can't sleep. To keep on going and going and going like the energizer bunny requires energy, that gets renewed by sleeping. No sleep=no energizing. That wrecks my whole plan. My plan is gone, and now I am not coping well.

And I know why I am not sleeping. My body is not exhausted and my mind is wound up like a giant top. Usually, by the time I am ready for bed, I have completely exhausted my body and it is sooo ready for a good rest, that my mind can't keep it awake. All I've been doing this week is sitting in my depressing hotel room in the evening watching TV, eating my frozen dinner. I hate TV. I hate frozen dinners. I'm not sure which one I hate more.

I also tried to go shopping at Lane Bryant last night. I really have nothing nice to say beyond this point, so if you like the clothing there you better skip the rest of this paragraph. What kind of fat woman would actually wear some of the clothes at LB out in public? I'm sorry, but a woman with large breasts, who wears a size over 20 (maybe even smaller) should not be wearing backless, strapless, halter tops that tie around the neck with a size 26 dasie duke. Ewwww! Do they think they look cute, or hot, or "phat" with all their rolls hanging out? OMG. I don't know if I should be offended, insulted, grossed-out, or all of the above. So, you try Avenue. That was lame. Catherine's? Uh, big fat "no" there...I'm not old enough. And don't even get me started on bras. I see sweat pants, t-shirts and sports bras in my immediate future.

It's like a downward spiral. One thing causes the other which reinforces the first thing, and onward down she goes. Tomorrow is a new day. I will sleep well in my own bed tonight. I will work hard all day tomorrow and Sunday on the house. I will leave for SA early, get to bed early, and GET MY ASS TO THE GYM MONDAY MORNING...come hell, or high water.

This is how it must be or I will find myself crying over a yellow traffic light next week. We will be moving next weekend and this will be over. My crappy hotel room will just be a bad memory. The dead super-cocroach that occuped my room with me for 5 days will be forgotten. Three weeks on Lean Cuisine will be blocked from my memory as it will be too traumatic to recall. And they all will live happily ever-after in Cinderella-land.