Several months ago, before I miscarried my last pregnancy, one of my son's friends asked my son why I was so fat. While the question didn't "bother" me, per se, I have been thinking about the answer to that question ever since. It's a good question.

Why *am* I so fat? I don't have any medical problems that would cause it. I have a healthier diet/lifestyle than probably 80% of Americans. I've been fat for most of my 33 years. When all I have going on in my life (you know besides being a wife, mother, employee, etc.) is focusing on my weight/health, I lose weight very easily. However, you throw me off kilter and I guess I get distracted and resort to some sort of habitual/unconscious eating/exercise pattern that causes me to gain weight.

I've reflected on the times in my past where I have lost significant amounts of weight and I gained it back because of some kind of major life upheaval. When I was 21, and looking pretty good, I got unexpectedly pregnant, ended up getting laid off from work as soon as I got back from maternity leave and moved back to California (from Texas) to live with my Mom and go to school (and that is leaving out the emotional aspect of being a single mother and having to live with MY mother). This last time, I moved from San Antonio to Dallas, back in with Dad for six weeks while dealing with tenants in my house, started a new job, then moving back in to the house and having to do so much restoration work that all I did for over a year was work at work then work on the house...then repeat the next day. The first time, I gained back over 80 pounds, the second time I gained back about 40...and now I am pregnant and holding steady.

So why am I fat? My only answer is that there is something that takes over my brain when I have a lot going on and I go into some sort of unhealthy auto-pilot. I'm not an emotional or binge eater, it is something else. After several months of cogitation, there is no real answer, just a vague understanding of what it might be. I can't even remember what went on in the year + following our move back to Dallas, so I can't analyze it and say, "Oh, it was X." That time is a blur of pain, frustration and exhaustion. What I can do, though, is be aware that this auto-pilot WILL kick in and try to short circuit it when I notice it. Hopefully, I will be able to notice it. I'm thinking that it might kick in, again, when I have this baby...talk about major life upheaval!

If I can't think of a valid reason as to why I am fat, then I shouldn't be, right?