Emotionally, today hasn't been a very good day. My head's been all over the place with this whole weight loss thing. I don't know what's wrong with me. Part of it is my urge for companionship, part of it is just impatience, part of it is just stupidity. I'm all over the place! I mean, sure i've lost 40lbs, but I still feel fat. I look at myself and I look better, but I don't look great . I want to be back down to 210 so bad. And I know i only have a little more than 40 to go, but right now, I just don't feel pretty. Maybe if I actually got dressed or did something with myself I might feel a little better, but I've been so busy lately I haven't had time to do much of anything. I think what put me in a crappy mood is my crappy oatmeal I had for breakfast. I swear, every time my oatmeal goes awry somehow, I don't have a good day. That's probably why I've stopped eating oatmeal as much as I used to because it pisses me off when it doesn't come out right. DAMN YOU OATMEAL! LoL I probably shouldn't let oats ruin my day.

I just don't feel "desirable" right now. It's kinda gross. I look at myself and I still see all these things I wish I could blink and they would just go away. I've lost weight, but I'm still fat. I don't know WHY I'm freakin out right now. And then I think like, well, I feel like crap, what am I going to do to feel better?! Bingeing isn't even in the equation anymore (which I am SO proud of) because I know that won't make the situation any better. I mean, really working out will make me feel a sense of accomplishment, but it won't make me feel prettier or more attractive - oK, it might. I mean, being completely real, I think I'm gorgeous. I think that I am fabulous and anyone who dates me is lucky. But why can't other people see that?!?!?! Why do I always find these duds? I hear that you attract what you represent, but I don't think I "represent" duds. Whatev. I'm placing way too much emphasis on this companionship thing.

Anywho, I am hungry today. It's annoying me. OH! So yesterday I was all uber-pumped to go workout and guess what?! It sucked! And I have no one to blame but myself. So I didn't eat for like 3 hours before I went. So when I got there, I was starving and had no energy. I actually ended up leaving early because I was so hungry. I tell ya, that pissed me off too. I was like, "Denita, you're smarter than that. WHY DIDN'T YOU EAT SOMETHING?!?!" Whatever. Today I am going to Kickboxing and I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous. My big butt kicking and punching will be interesting, but i know I'll feel better when I'm done. I can't wait til January to get my personal training sessions. Ahhh...that there is motivating me to get through December.

Which brings me to my next topic: what is my definition of "failing" and "succeeding" in this whole process? I tell ya, I'm learning a lot about myself here! Failing isn't what it used to be for me, and neither is succeeding. Before, failing was going to McDs & binging or just to stop caring anymore. But now, I know too much about food to binge. I can't be ignorant to the facts anymore. I've realized that I haven't set a definition of what "success" will be and what it means to me. Sure I have a number, but what about a feeling, an action? I can say, "I've succeeded once I weigh 180lbs" but that doesn't mean much. My goal is to redefine success and failure and live by these meanings. I'm going to do that before New Years.

I'm debating on making a "New Years Resolution". I think they're kinda stupid. I know, it'll be to save money and get the hell outta debt so I can move to Maryland after I graduate.

OK, I'm done for now. my stomach is growling again so I think I'll eat my tortilla chips. Later loves!!!!

12:53pm EST
So I had a weird moment in the bathroom. I was thinking and I realized, "when I started this, I didn't really think i'd make it as far as i have now. I've acheived so much and there is no reason for you to question your progress. You only have 40lbs until you get to 210. After that, you only have 20 lbs until you get to 190. That's not far away. You can do this. Dammit you're too cute to let it hide behind all that fat!" So having said that, I curse my attitude 30 minutes ago! This process, while its not easy, is so worth it. I'm not going to quit or go "easy". I'm in this. I wish I had "Queen of the Night" right now, that song gets me SO pumped!!

6:39pm
Kickboxing disappointed me. I was so ready to "feel" like I burned close to the number of calories CK had under Body Combat/Tae Bo/Boxing and I seriously feel like I burned maybe 200 - 250. It wasn't as high intensity as I would have liked it to be. Plus the instructor seemed kinda...clueless (besides her shirt being too small to hold her gigantic boobs). I dunno, I felt some burnage but I mean, if you do something so many times of course it'll burn. This solidifies the fact that I really need an HRM. Choices, choices. Ipod or HRM? They're dead-even. It was a 50 minute class and I already reduced the mins in my diary to 30 but I don't want to reduce it any lower but I feel like I need to in order to be "honest". But then again, i don't know how many calories I burned either so maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. Oh well. We'll see if I do kickboxing again. It did, however, get a LOT of steam off my chest towards some people who have been urking my nerves. You know how in movies there's the person boixing like, "this is for your new girlfriend. And this is for the time you stood me up in the movies, etc"? I was doing a little bit of that. Yep, and it felt damn good! Anywho, tonight is beauty night and I'm going to take care of myself so I can finally look the way I feel.