Day 2 of 142
So last night was annoying. Ex decided to come visit & as always send more mixed messages. I really need to just let go of ex. I keep holding on and it's like holding on is just making me crazy! I think today is my first day really trying to let go.

I weighed in at 247.2 this AM. I ate CRAZY sodium yesterday so I really think some of it may be H2O retention so hopefully tomorrow will be better. Sodium is def one my focuses today. I suck at tracking sodium! So after I figure out what the hell's for breakfast, I'll chill for a bit, go to the gym, then come back and study for the rest of my life. It's going to be a long studying day. I really need to get in the groove of this school thing. BLAH! I hate school. If I didn't need a degree, I wouldn't be here. But unfortunately, mama's got big dreams and I'll probably be in school for the rest of my life. LoL. Alright, I gotta get up and do something with my life.

2:50pm
One thing I love about going to the gym is working out and being in better shape than the skinny people. I was kicking MAJOR A$$ on the elliptical today. I think people often look at me funny because they can't believe I'm kicking as much a$$ as I am. I don't know, maybe I'm just boosting my own self-esteem, but i don't think people really expect someone "my size" to be kickin ass and taking names the way i do when I work out. I only did 33 minutes on the elliptical, but I was really pushing it. I didn't really want to do much cardio today because i wanted to do some upper body, but then once I started lifting I was like, "eh, I'm done". LoL I hate lifting! I think once I get to about 210 I am going to finally get a trainer so i can start toning. I'm starting to see I'm getting some "wings" under my arms and hopefully once I start lifting they'll go away. Maybe they'll go away once I'm at 210. Who knows. All I know is - although I'm still really annoyed - I physically feel better. Fitness therapy is the s@%$!! Oh, so I'm in this class this quarter called "The Biology of Food" and I'm really excited. I think I'll learn a lot about food & its effects on the body and all that madness. It's good timing! If I learn anything exciting, I'll be sure to share. Alright my loves, until I blog again later!

5:20 pm
I'm having a self-esteem meltdown. I just feel like s&%$. I think this ex drama is getting to me also, but I just feel so empty and so gross. I'm seeing that I have like gutter-level self-esteem. I don't think highly of myself at all. I mean, I exude confidence, but I am not at all. I just feel like crap. I miss my mom a lot. I've lost 50 damn pounds and i still just as undesirable as i did when I first started. I don't understand. I want to be confident and feel beautiful and sexy and capable but I just don't. I wish I was still in Virginia. I miss it so much there. I hate trying to find out who I am. I wish I just knew. I'm so sick of crying because I don't know. I feel like I've lived for 21 years seeking approval from other people to try to make me feel good about myself and now, I'm alone. No one to tell me good things about me so I can feel OK with myself. It's a vicious cycle that I've ignored and covered up by always being in relationships. I need to be OK with me. I don't know how to accept me. I feel like everything I do is for everyone else and I just want to do things for me for a damn change. I don't even know where to start. Blah. I need to do this.

7:15 pm
I'm better now. I had a great convo online with my bro that made me feel a lot better. I changed my goals on my dry erase board and one of my goals is "Don't look to others for acceptance or approval; LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!". I am really going to work towards that. Another goal is to stop drinking until April 9, 2007 (my birthday). I think that is going to be the hardest one but the most rewarding. My brother said that he was inspired by me to start eating better and to bulk up (get in football shape) and that was very flattering. He is also not drinking until his birthday (march 5 - his 21st) so we are going to hold each other accountable. One thing i am grateful for is that now when i get stressed out, I no longer turn to food. Old Denita would've been straight grubbin, but I've found new ways to deal with stress - whether it is crying, blogging, exercise, whatever. Eating really isn't an option any more. I've also decided that because blogging is so healthy, that I am going to continue to make it a daily habit. I am going to be OK. I did my hair and I looked really cute. Plus, my glasses are getting too big for my face, which is kinda cool. Alright, now I'm really going to study. I you guys!