Here is a pic of my lil bro and I on New Years that my friend just posted. SO CUTE! I'm in love

I went and worked out today and it definitely helped boost my spirits. I was pretty pooped after like 20 minutes and it didn't help that my shorts kept riding up and making me REALLY upset. Anywho. I ended up finishing my 50 mins on the Elliptical and I felt really good. I went home, ate my Smart Ones with Brown Rice, did some HW, and I gots dressed! The first way to improve your self-image is to, well, improve your self image! So I put some make up on, did my hair, and put real clothes on (As opposed to my usual hoodie & jeans). I look really cute! So, right now I'm in the PC lab wasting time until my Bio lab. I really hope its not too long because I hate these stinkin labs. Anywho, today is going to be a much better day. No demons today!

5:00pm
I was reading my entry earlier and one thing I noticed is I said:
I was so afraid of getting to this point and now I'm here, in the flesh. Me vs Demons. And I don't the demons to win, but I feel like I don't have control over me.

It was like it's not about whether I win or not, but that others dont win. I am going to work on believe I can win, as opposed to letting someone else lose. I feel much better. A little hungry (eating whatever/whenever you want was kinda nice) but I feel better. I was looking at my New Years pictures and I honestly thought I looked GREAT. I mean, sure, still kinda thick, but I look normal and not obese. I am going to keep going. It's so amazing when people say that I inspired them. Me? AN INSPIRATION?! It's very humbling. Today I just feel very inspired to not give up like I always do when the going gets tough. It's like getting 2/3 of the way done with a Marathon and just saying, "well, my time isn't going to be as fast as I would've like it to be, I'm just going to quit". Why not just finish? I need to finish. I am worth it. I feel SO much better when I am in control of what i put in my body and what I look like. I am going to keep going guys, no worries. I'm not going to let my self-esteem keep me fat. In fact, I plan to work on my self-esteem so it instead encourages me to get HEALTHY! I you guys. ( me having my emotional moment - lol)

252.0
That's what the scale said this morning. That's NINE POUNDS in FOUR DAYS. I have no doubt that some is water retention (Salt has been through the roof) but it's like, alright Denita, here are the consequences. And I think I've figured out what triggered this $h!t spree. I have been feeling extremely undesirable. Ugh, I don't want to get into it, but it's like I don't feel attractive or "desired" by others, therefore I don't feel "worth it". I need to stop doing things for everyone else, but I can't help that I've always depended my self-worth on what others thought, and it begun with my father. Growing up, I always wanted him to accept me and to approve of me and he never gave me that affirmation I was looking for. Now I'm older and I'm still looking - and it seems like its in all the wrong places. Ex keeps sending this mixed a$$ messages that I keep chasing hoping that one of these days I'll get that "acceptance" but every day it just kinda ends where it started off - no where. One minute ex is all like "you're my soulmate and i dont want anyone else but you" and the next minute its "we just cant be together, we cant do this" blah blah blah. And me, being stupid, just keep following. Lauren has been cut off because thats a waste of energy. I don't know.

I just feel totally sick of myself. Last night, I catered to all the demons in my lap - drinking, smoking, and eating - on a Monday. I am done drinking. I am done smoking. I can't let those two back in no matter what. I just need to get it together and I just feel like its up to me to pull myself up. But its like, "Can I do this??" I was so afraid of getting to this point and now I'm here, in the flesh. Me vs Demons. And I don't want the demons to win, but I feel like I don't have control over me. Like my self-esteem issues are going to keep me fat. And its like everything I've accomplished just kind of seems gone. I don't know how the hell to get out of this.