day 34 of 142

So, last night's quasi-binge showed on the scale this AM. 239.4 Gross! Today, while I was on a mini-grocery trip, I had a long talk with myself about why "cheating" is counterproductive and that i have goals to look forward to and that - while moderation is good - drinking and other things are not good for me. I think I did a pretty good job of talking myself out of sabotaging myself. I actually had to laugh at myself, because I sounded pretty convincing!

Good find for the day: Fiber One bars Oats 'n Chocolate, 2/$4

So then I came home for a late breakfast (i did it on purpose; i prefer to start eating later in the day) and left for work! On my way out to work, I was checking my mail and - as I said hi to my current CA - she said:

CA - have you been working out?
Me - yea, i have.
CA - i can really tell.
Me - awww, well thank you! I'm still looking forward to CP Fit club to start!
CA - I've been so busy this quarter I haven't gotten a chance to get it off the ground
Me - Well I can definitely help facilitate that if you need help
CA - Sure! Well, I 'll call you next week and we can talk about it.
(ok, bye)

So that was a flattering conversation. This week has been weird. Every time my self-esteem starts to dip, I get a small compliment that makes me feel better! My body image has been causing me a lot of grief lately. Sometimes, I see this big fatty and sometimes I see a transformed woman. It's definitely something I'm working on. While i was in Target today, I was looking at their bathing suits and I was actually excited for summer. I have to remind myself that I want to go to the beach this summer and I want to be absolutely fabulous! I just really need to stay focused. As Corinne says, STAY THE COURSE! I really have no reason that's good enough to look back and go back to the old, fat, lazy, self-loathing Denita. None. And I think that my quest for improved self-image and self-esteem will eventually take away the desire to eat like crap on random occassions and to really be proud of my accomplishments and actually believe in my heart that failure is not an option. I'm getting there, one day at a time.

Trip to STL
It's official: I'm going to visit my dad during Spring Break! I'm excited. I'll be there March 16 - 18. Unfortunately, Corinne won't be in town, but I'm sure I'll be back to see her. I'm really just looking forward to spending time with my dad. Our relationship has been so rocky in years past and we both want to work on it and I'm just excited that we are going to be able to hang out. Regardless of what i've said out of ignorance in the past, I love my dad SO much. We certainly don't see eye-to-eye a lot, but he's my dad. And yes he's made countless mistakes in raising me and my brothers and in being a role model to us, but he's my dad and I've forgiven him. Forreal this time. I love my dad and I am really excited. There's this picture of us from when he came to one of my basketball games and I think I am going to get a really cool frame and put it in there for him. He'd really appreciate that.

In other Denita news...
Tomorrow is my SEVEN HOUR group process interview. I'm sure it will be a lot of role playing and silly stuff like that. I really just need to stay positive and not dread the role playing as much as I am now. I HATE role playing. With a bloody passion. I'd rather lose three fingers than role play. That's how much I hate it. Oh well, i'm still going to go with a positive attitude. For some weird reason, I keep thinking I'm going to go in and meet someone and be able to cuddle. LoL I know, wishful thinking. I would some kind of companionship though. I'm getting bored with myself. Even if it was just a fun friend. I dunno, I guess in due time i'll meet someone.

I'm a celebrity gossip follower, hardcore, but I swear this Anna Nicole stuff is nutrageous. I mean, was she really a productive member of society?! Not really. And every one is using this poor girl to all of a sudden care about her and be "down for the cause" - whatever that may be. It's kind of annoying. I just think that it's really irresponsible to put this much energy into her death and her life. Was her life in shambles? Check. Did she have issues? Check. Does she have baby daddy drama? Double check. I mean, I am actually really sad about her dying so early, however, as monica said, there are other things in life to devote our time (and a paragraph of my blournal).

Anywho, have a fab- U -lous day CK L vlies!!