Day 38 (?) of 142
Can I just say that my scale is about to go out the window? The scale is still at 239. Except today it was 239.8 (thank GOD it wasn't 240). OK, sure Saturday was a doozy, but I also worked out Friday & Saturday. Yesterday, I virtually OD'ed on water so I could get all the fast food & alcohol out of my system, but I did NOT think it would be stuck at 239 like it is. I mean, maybe I should be happy that the scale isn't in the 240s but I just don't get it. I hate to say it, but this may be the dreaded plateau that everyone keeps warning me about. It also just seems kind if weird that, after weighing THursday, I'd "gain" 2 lbs overnight and they'd STICK! Ugh, whatever. I was looking forward to seeing -60 this week but I guess I'll just have to be patient. Damn you, body.

Group Interview
So the group interview, IMO, went really well. I wasn't concerned with trying to be OVER bubbly or trying to be too assertive: I was myself . I stayed true to my personality and what I have to offer and I think it went really well. There were some kooks in my group, but - in all honesty - I think that I was the best person in my group. If I don't get this job, it's not because I wasn't good enough, it's because it just isn't the right thing for me right now. I'm also not really beating myself up over it. I feel confident that I did well enough to get it. I'd be embarassed if I didn't, but - if it were up to me, I'd be hired. I'll find out next Thursday, so I'll be biting my nails until then.

Other than that and the stress over my weight, my weekend was uneventful. My friend Sara told me the other day that I "inspired" her to lose some weight - with cottage cheese & turkey. I mean, if that's what floats her boat & how she wants to lose weight, then I mean I guess she should do whatever, but I don't know why people get this idea that all I do is eat carrot sticks & celery. At the group interview, I said one of my personal accomplishments was "losing 60 lbs since I got to Wright State" and then I got the, "how did you do it?! I need to lose xx pounds too". That question is annoying. I think people expect me to say "Trimspa" or "Gastric Bypass" & when I tell them I just changed the way I live with eating and exercise, I get this dumbfounded look, like, "really?!" It's kind of annoying. Maybe I should be more grateful, but I'm not one to be the center of attention, so it's weird.

I just wish the scale hadn't gone up. I've been working out and I actually up'ed my calories from 1500 to about 1600 so I don't know. I haven't really been watching my salt lately and that could be it, but I have no idea. I'm also trying to drink more water (at least 3/4 nalgene's full a day) but I don't know. It's just annoying. I see myself shrinking, but I want to shrink more. Ah, patience Denita.

On a side note, my tax refund SUCKS! I don't see why the gov't takes more from you for being motivated and getting more than one job to make ends meet. When I only put one w2 in, everything was looking fabulous. THEN, after the fourth, it was like WTF?! I don't get it IRS, you don't want people to be poor, but then when they do what you say - get another job - you penalize them! Big dummies. Oh well, I guess something is better than nothing. I had big plans though and now they're all f***ed up. As long as I get a digital camera, that's all i care about: the rest can wait.

For some reason, I equate losing more weight to eventually meeting someone and not being single. I think I need to realize that finding love is NOT necessarily dependent on my size. I think it would be easier though if I were smaller. I don't know what to make of myself anymore. Ugh. whatever. All this love talk is aggravating. Can't I just rejoice in being single?!

Alright, I gotta get ready to go to class #1. Have a great day my s!!!

11:39pm
I gotta figure out how to stop these night binges. The #s on the scale the past few days have thrown me for a loop & I feel like, no matter how well i eat, I'll still be 239. So then, after one snack, I just say f*** it, just eat more. I don't know why I can't just stop eating. It's aggravating. I work so hard, and then at night I get really frustrated and i just want to eat everything and i just say whatever to everything. I need to stop. I need to let it go that i've been at 239 all weekend. It's only three days. God, I hate feeling like this. OK, good night.