a little better
I kinda got sick of the funk and took Miriam's advice ( :hi and put on my fat clothes. I put on my size 22 capris from last summer and wow, those were like a story from Subway. I can't believe they used to fit me! Anywho, I went and did some makeup and managed to look...well...pretty! Here's a new pic which will also be my profile pic. I guess I mean, I dunno, life isn't so bad. I'll be OK, PROMISE! Tomorrow will be much better, regardless of what the scale says. Thanks everyone, I you guys so much. Thanks for putting a smile on my face, esp on days like today.

Today is NOT a good day

I'm just not having a good day. I don't know how much - if at all - it has to do with Valentine's Day, but I'm just very agitated today. As usual, I feel fat and undesirable and ugly and gross. It's like I've been losing weight to feel "desirable" to other people but I still think I'm ugly. I depend on other people to make me feel pretty. It just annoys me. My clothes don't fit and its annoying. I work so damn hard yet never have any money. I work out yet the scale doesn't dip. It's like, what am I working for? I'm not a very satisfied person and all I want is a sense of satisfaction. And the easy answer is it "has to come from within yourself" but that's all bull to me. My life has never been about interior happiness, but exterior and asthetic happiness. I'm sick of sitting in this merry go round that is being controlled by everyone else BUT me. I'm sick of caring about people more than they care about me. I miss my family SO much but unfortunately I'm not as fortunate as other people to just go whippin around all willy nilly. I have a budget and I dont have any one else to support me on my measily work study but me. I try SO hard to do better, but I still end up at square one. I've lost all this weight and still feel miserable. I don't get it. Everyone says "you need to get out, you need to do this and that and meet people" but dammit it's a lot easier said than done. Who the just goes out BY THEMSELVES to meet people?! Certainly NOT me. I don't even have friends here to go out with. I don't do the go out by myself business. I'm sick of going through all these weight issues and not having anybody to talk to. In terms of a physical support group, I have none. Everyone is always "there for you" but when you talk to them, it's just like "well what the did I tell you that for?!" You can't understand the emotional struggles of losing weight unless you've been or actually kept at it long enough. I need more than sympathy- i need a plan of action. I'm sick of basing how good I am on my weigh in. I dread weigh-in, I dread eating, I dread working out. It's just so old at this point. I'm just like " this, it's stupid". Sometimes I feel like my mom doesn't even care. It's so hard to do this without my family or close friends or anyone. I miss my family so much & I just don't think they're as supportive as I'd like. My brothers are 25 minutes away and the only time they come to see me is if they are at the mall down the street from me. Ugh, i'm just not one to "reach out" to people because I don't trust people and I'm not going to put myself out there. I am just having a terrible day and I feel like I need to cry but I'm too pissed off to cry. I'm just angry at the world. Ugh, will something just work out in my favor PLEASE?!?!