DBRAZIEL's CalorieKing blog
Thursday, Apr 19 2007 - Grossness.
View DBRAZIEL's food & exercise for this day
Blah...life is kinda poohy over here, I'm not going to lie to ya. Ok, let me rephrase myself. It's not bad, I'm very grateful and have a lot of things going for me that I am incredibly grateful for; however, I kind of feel like I'm going in circles with no end in sight.
School
So a couple of weeks ago I found out that, in order to be able to become a licensed social worker, you have to major in Social Work. Since I've been in college, I've been a sociology major with the understanding that if I wanted to become an LSW, I could. Well, now I'm debating on if I want to major in social work or if I should just keep sociology and pray something good comes out of it. I feel like I'll have more opportunities as a Social Work major than as a Sociology major. My advisors never seem to be available for me to discuss my concerns so I'm just really stressing. In the event that I do become a Social Work major, I have at least 2 more years left of college.
Father/Money
These two situations go hand-in-hand. So as many of you know I've been working to fix my relationship with my dad and so far all has gone well. I've managed to fairly successfully forgive him for the mistakes of his past. Now, however, I'm pissed at him for his "mistakes"/negligence of today. My dad lives in his own dillusional world where he thinks that he is this "great father" and that he "supports" us. Well, this is the biggest crock of $h!t if I've ever heard it. After my parents got separated (or my mom finally kicked his a$$ out) , my dad went and wallowed in his own apartment until he got a new job opportunity in St. Louis. Well, he likes to use the job as his excuse for leaving, but in reality, I think he felt like he had lost all that "mattered" to him and that he didn't have anything to stay in Ohio for so he left (which is slightly ironic considering his immediate family lives here). Well, now he lives in St. Louis and he always tries to make us feel guilty about his move.
On top of that, my dad got a new job where he is making A LOT of money. To me, it's Jackpot style. Well, my dad lives alone and really spends his money on himself, but he never gives us kids money just because we need it or because we're broke. It's only on holidays. For our birthdays we got $50 to "spend on what we want" (Gee, dad, thanks. You're so generous). For Christmas, we get $100 to "spend on what we want". My brothers and I are broke. My parents don't know this, but my brothers have food stamps now just so they can afford to live in their school apartment. All of us go to school - including my mother - but also have two jobs just to try to make ends meet. When I DO ask him for money, you know what his response is? "Well, after July, I'll be giving your mother all of my money (alimony) so you better ask her (!)". My mom is STRUGGLING. She has maxed out all of her credit cards to try to support herself in her house. She was married to my father for 24 years and all he wants to give her is $600 for three years. But despite that, my mom will give my brothers and I something in a heartbeat. But I know it tears her up to have to ask her kids for money just to survive. And it's not like she's asking just for fun, she's asking to have electricity, to have food: she needs it. And it just really pisses me off how my dad always tries to play victim with this stupid a$$ divorce (which, mind you, really started because he was cheating on my mom for 2+ years).
On top of that, my dad was so angry he had to pay taxes because he couldn't claim my brothers last year (they lived with my mom primarily when they came home, not him) that he made the courts make my mom file with him together this year AND amend her taxes from last year just so he can get some of the taxes waived. It's
ing ridiculous. But the worst part about it is, now that she has to include his income (which NO ONE is seeing, by the way) my brothers and I have to claim that on our FAFSAs which = minimal, if no financial aid. But guess who's not helping us pay for college? You guessed it: dad. He's told us from the beginning, "If you don't get a full scholarship, I'm not paying for college". So now my brothers and i will probably graduate with more than $60,000 in student loan debt to pay BY OURSELVES! But my dad insists that our college has incrued sooo much debt for him because he co-signed. Did he not get the memo that WE have to pay that, not him?!?! I just am so fed up with my dad, seriously. I am grateful for the measly $150 I get from him a year, but I don't understand how you can think you're teaching your children a valuable lesson in "saving" money and being responsible adults but not supporting them when they need it and by building a wall of resentment from your struggling children.
Summer Plans
I have no idea what my summer plans are. I have an idea of what I want to do, but given my unknown financial aid situation, I don't know what is/isn't doable, I want to go to the first summer school session term, find a decent job in the area, and live on campus (pref. in my current room). However, I feel like I can't even begin to think about this until I know my financial aid situation (which scares the $h!t out of me, can't lie). I've also considered just moving home with my mom, but I really want to take a few classes during the summer to at least feel like I know where I am gonig but if I don't know where I'm going, how can I take advantage of the summer? Job searching can just be a pain in the ass and I don't even know where to start. I hate not knowing. I need to figure it out ASAP before I miss some great opportunity.
Weight Loss
I'm sick of the process. I feel like I just have so freakin far to go. I don't see the end in sight. I honestly don't think I'll make it to my goal. Yes, I've lost appx. 70, but I still have 46 more to go. I don't feel like I'm any more desirable, I really still just feel fat. I know I have body image issues. I'm sick of feeling like i'm destined to be fat. I try to think "one day at a time" but it's like, "do you know how many days you have left?!". It's overwhelming. I just feel like I'm destined to fail. The "end" is not close enough. I'm sick of feeling fat. I'm sick of the disappointment at weigh-ins after a crappy weekend and thinking about how much further I have to go. Blah. I know I can't give up but I just get so frustrated. I want this stress to be over.
The end...
That's all I really care to write about right now. I could continue but I'm tired and I need some solution for my contacts because they are uber dry. Anywho, I hope you all have a fabulous day.
School
So a couple of weeks ago I found out that, in order to be able to become a licensed social worker, you have to major in Social Work. Since I've been in college, I've been a sociology major with the understanding that if I wanted to become an LSW, I could. Well, now I'm debating on if I want to major in social work or if I should just keep sociology and pray something good comes out of it. I feel like I'll have more opportunities as a Social Work major than as a Sociology major. My advisors never seem to be available for me to discuss my concerns so I'm just really stressing. In the event that I do become a Social Work major, I have at least 2 more years left of college.
Father/Money
These two situations go hand-in-hand. So as many of you know I've been working to fix my relationship with my dad and so far all has gone well. I've managed to fairly successfully forgive him for the mistakes of his past. Now, however, I'm pissed at him for his "mistakes"/negligence of today. My dad lives in his own dillusional world where he thinks that he is this "great father" and that he "supports" us. Well, this is the biggest crock of $h!t if I've ever heard it. After my parents got separated (or my mom finally kicked his a$$ out) , my dad went and wallowed in his own apartment until he got a new job opportunity in St. Louis. Well, he likes to use the job as his excuse for leaving, but in reality, I think he felt like he had lost all that "mattered" to him and that he didn't have anything to stay in Ohio for so he left (which is slightly ironic considering his immediate family lives here). Well, now he lives in St. Louis and he always tries to make us feel guilty about his move.
On top of that, my dad got a new job where he is making A LOT of money. To me, it's Jackpot style. Well, my dad lives alone and really spends his money on himself, but he never gives us kids money just because we need it or because we're broke. It's only on holidays. For our birthdays we got $50 to "spend on what we want" (Gee, dad, thanks. You're so generous). For Christmas, we get $100 to "spend on what we want". My brothers and I are broke. My parents don't know this, but my brothers have food stamps now just so they can afford to live in their school apartment. All of us go to school - including my mother - but also have two jobs just to try to make ends meet. When I DO ask him for money, you know what his response is? "Well, after July, I'll be giving your mother all of my money (alimony) so you better ask her (!)". My mom is STRUGGLING. She has maxed out all of her credit cards to try to support herself in her house. She was married to my father for 24 years and all he wants to give her is $600 for three years. But despite that, my mom will give my brothers and I something in a heartbeat. But I know it tears her up to have to ask her kids for money just to survive. And it's not like she's asking just for fun, she's asking to have electricity, to have food: she needs it. And it just really pisses me off how my dad always tries to play victim with this stupid a$$ divorce (which, mind you, really started because he was cheating on my mom for 2+ years).
On top of that, my dad was so angry he had to pay taxes because he couldn't claim my brothers last year (they lived with my mom primarily when they came home, not him) that he made the courts make my mom file with him together this year AND amend her taxes from last year just so he can get some of the taxes waived. It's
ing ridiculous. But the worst part about it is, now that she has to include his income (which NO ONE is seeing, by the way) my brothers and I have to claim that on our FAFSAs which = minimal, if no financial aid. But guess who's not helping us pay for college? You guessed it: dad. He's told us from the beginning, "If you don't get a full scholarship, I'm not paying for college". So now my brothers and i will probably graduate with more than $60,000 in student loan debt to pay BY OURSELVES! But my dad insists that our college has incrued sooo much debt for him because he co-signed. Did he not get the memo that WE have to pay that, not him?!?! I just am so fed up with my dad, seriously. I am grateful for the measly $150 I get from him a year, but I don't understand how you can think you're teaching your children a valuable lesson in "saving" money and being responsible adults but not supporting them when they need it and by building a wall of resentment from your struggling children.Summer Plans
I have no idea what my summer plans are. I have an idea of what I want to do, but given my unknown financial aid situation, I don't know what is/isn't doable, I want to go to the first summer school session term, find a decent job in the area, and live on campus (pref. in my current room). However, I feel like I can't even begin to think about this until I know my financial aid situation (which scares the $h!t out of me, can't lie). I've also considered just moving home with my mom, but I really want to take a few classes during the summer to at least feel like I know where I am gonig but if I don't know where I'm going, how can I take advantage of the summer? Job searching can just be a pain in the ass and I don't even know where to start. I hate not knowing. I need to figure it out ASAP before I miss some great opportunity.
Weight Loss
I'm sick of the process. I feel like I just have so freakin far to go. I don't see the end in sight. I honestly don't think I'll make it to my goal. Yes, I've lost appx. 70, but I still have 46 more to go. I don't feel like I'm any more desirable, I really still just feel fat. I know I have body image issues. I'm sick of feeling like i'm destined to be fat. I try to think "one day at a time" but it's like, "do you know how many days you have left?!". It's overwhelming. I just feel like I'm destined to fail. The "end" is not close enough. I'm sick of feeling fat. I'm sick of the disappointment at weigh-ins after a crappy weekend and thinking about how much further I have to go. Blah. I know I can't give up but I just get so frustrated. I want this stress to be over.
The end...
That's all I really care to write about right now. I could continue but I'm tired and I need some solution for my contacts because they are uber dry. Anywho, I hope you all have a fabulous day.
6 comments so far.
6.
a decade ago
You look amazing.......you look like the daughter of the person in the top picture. Don't for get your learning how to make changes that will last a lifetime. Sorry about you Dad situation and I hope you tell him everything you wrote in the Blog. 24 years with someone and your Mom has to struggle......just not right.
:)
You try to have a great weekend !
by PATIENTLY
5.
a decade ago
Oh man, it sounds like you're having a pretty crappy day . But just remember you are amazing, and you will persevere through it all.
by HAPPYJO
4.
a decade ago
My sweet D! I understand how you feel especially about the loss part. Even though it has been just under a year, it feels like this has taken forever and I get that for sure. You have come so far and now you need to go to the breakin it down into smaller goals part! I really HAD to do that in about the middle because it was like "oh, I am HALF WAY THERE!!!! And Yippeee and then the next day was like, oh
****, now the other half! 
:barf3: " I really broke it into 10 pound increments and at times 5 and 2.5 just to feel like I was accomplishing stuff and I WAS and you are!
:love:
Sorry about the mess with your dad. It's all about perspective babe. He FEELS a certain way about things and that's the way it is. I hope that as you all repair he can change some of his perspectives and you can begin to understand his motivations. I am glad you are working on it!
by MOM22SONZ
3.
a decade ago
Denita~I am showing your blog to my daughter. She is in the same type of situations with her father. my daughter is 18 yrs old and just a few nights ago she was upset with him 1) he never calls her when he says he will. (she is stubborn, and won't call him) 2) when she asks for money, you'd think she was asking for his left arm! Good luck with your FAFSA and don't give up on the weight loss you have come so far and you look great!
by YADAYAD
2.
a decade ago
When I got to your weight loss section of this blog I was shocked because I was just looking at your before and after pics and thinking DAMN! That girl looks hott!! You look amazing and you have come SO far. You are WAY beyond half way and have made so many healthy changes. . . I'm sorry your family situation is that way. I can't believe the IRS let your dad get on the FAFSA. That is BS and I would fight it if I were you. Also, did you know you can apply for summer aid? I believe you have to carry 6 credits, but then you can get extra aid- loans- but it's still money.
by SPACELACE
1.
a decade ago
Oh honey! You sound down today! I want to kick you in the butt over your weight loss paragraph. You don't think you'll ever reach goal. Are you kidding me? You have kicked serious ass in this weight loss game and I look at your before and after pictures and I am amazed. Not to say you weren't hot before, but girl you are hot! Look at the difference in those pictures! What is 46 more lbs when you have already lost 70, you will do it. Do you log? Maybe you need to take a bit of a break, don't go crazy, maintain and then come back refreshed and get back to it.
ANd I'm sorry about your dad. Getting out of school in debt is the worst, but people find a way.
by PHISH44118