4:57pm
So last night, in an attempt to be more "Earthy Crunchy" as my friend calls it, I shut my computer down. Well, this AM when I went to turn it back on I get this error message that says "Operating System Not Found; Error! CPU Fan Failed". Great. I don't know squat when it comes to computers, but that message sure as hell doen't seem good. Needless to say, my computer is broken for the time being. I don't get paid until Friday so I guess it's time to break my internet addiction for a bit. I really hope it's just the fan and I didn't "fry" my system (that's what the woman at the computing help desk said) and it can easily be repaired but I haven't a clue! I guess I'll be in our PC labs for the rest of the week getting on to CK.

This gets kinda personal...I just really need to vent

I promise ya'll, I'm trying so flippin hard to stay positive and not sweat the small stuff and to be grateful but sometimes it just seems like dammit I shouldn't have to struggle the way I do. I work so f**king hard to be a good person, a good citizen, a good role model yet financially and emotionally I still struggle. I don't have a social support system at school. It's pretty much me, ex, and my good friend. And while I love her to death, sometimes i just need a break. I try so hard to count my blessings for what I do have, but I can't get discouraged about what I don't have that I feel like I should: A decent car I don't have to worry about putting work into every two/three months. Medicine for my eczema so I don't have a panic attack from itching so much. New contacts so I can throw away this pair that I've been desperately saving since September. The comfort to know that, if I have something wrong - despite having insurance - the copay won't set me back. Groceries to be healthy. A parent that answers the phone when I call.

I feel like i do so much for others without regard to myself and my well-being. If my mom needs money, I'll send it. If my brothers need something, I'm there. I just don't understand why I feel like I'm doing everything right but everything is just wrong. Sometimes I want to leave college and just live at home with my mom and get a full-time job and not have to worry about not having an expendible (sic) income. But I know that's dumb. I need to finish school.

And so here I am, trying my best to make the best of it, a 22 year old single female tryign to be independent and a good person...struggling. this week, I've had $11 dollars for two weeks to live off of. You know what i did though? I spent $2 on myself and $4 on my friend who didn't have food. Now I have $4 left and I need so many things and I'm trying to figure out what I need the most. I just don't feel like I should have to go through this. I work my ASS off: I'm a student, a CA, an administrative assistant, and a workout-aholic. I handle my business and I try my best to take care fo myself and others around me but sometimes I just feel so alone at this big school in my 11 x 17 room. I just want to have faith that this is worth it. I want to have faith that every good thing that I do really impacts other people. I want to have faith that at least someone believes in me.

I know this is terrible, but sometimes I just wish I didn't exist so I didn't have to feel the way I do. As much as I've accomplished, I still feeling meaningless, hopeless. I have kept SOO much of this pinned up because I don't really like to validate my feelings for fear that others won't either. So I keep everything bottled up, praying that it goes away. I'm just at a point where I'm sick of this struggle. Not only for myself, for my brothers. I was in the weight room and I saw this boy who looked like my brothers and I just got teary eyed because I miss them so so so much. I would do anything for my brothers. I take so much pride in being their older sister and I want them, more than anything to be proud of me. I hate how they are on ing food stamps in college. I hate how my brother is the secretary of the Concerned Black Students organization and can't afford to buy a new car since his just broke down. I hate that my youngest brother feels worthless and that no one believes in him. Everytime I'm with him i try to tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me because I don't want him to feel unloved or like no one believes in him. I want my brothers to grow up with pride in themselves, not in pity that they can't afford what they need.

I hate that my mom can barely afford to buy groceries. I hate that my mom has to get a payday advance to pay the rent. I hate that my mom has two jobs, goes to school part time, AND is the choir secretary - and she still has to worry about jack-a$$ father not paying her alimony. I hate that my dad has a three story house, a fabulous job, knick knacks all over his house, two and threes of everything, four closets PACKED with clothes, yet can't support his children unless its a holiday (birthday or Christmas). I just want so much for my family. I want us to be happy and comfortable and dammit if I could do it for us, I sure as hell would. More than anything, I want to be happy. I want to feel loved. I want to feel complete. And I don't want anyone to feel bad for me or my family situation whatsoever. Sometimes, I just need to let it out.


earlier today...
Blah...I woke up with the same sense of defeat I felt last night when I consumed 600 calories at 12:30am. I don't know what happened. I just gave up on trying. The whole day was me trying to fight the hunger monster and at 12:30, I gave in. I know i should have just went to sleep and at this point I wish I had just gone to sleep and it was my own damn fault for torturing myself watching re-runs on a show that pretty much promoted binging (Best Places to Pig Out). It's like I purposely set myself up for it. Needless to say, i'm very disappointed in myself and I need to lift my spirits ASAP.

This AM, luckily the scale wasn't too rude and it was 226.0. Still and even 70 but I think I coulda been lower had I just gone to sleep. (this is not a diet, Denita, but a lifestyle change).

Today's going to be a long day. After work, i have class, lunch/study time, an spanish exam, then off to the gym, and then home for a staff meeting. Long days suck but they are good because they kee \p me busy. Today is Admin Professionals Day (i think) and they gave me a $25 gift certificate to Kohl's. That excited me! I totally wasn't expecting it! I absolutely my job here at Physical Plant. I hope, even if I don't get Work Study next year I can still work here. I just it.

I'm praying today will be a better day than yesterday. Anywho, I have to do some work before I leave in an hour. Have a great one my CK lies!

Thought of the Day:
This is not a diet, but a lifestyle change...