Loner-ville...
I don't understand why I am such a loner. It's so much easier for me to just keep to myself and not go out of my way to make friends and be social. Unfortunately, what's easiest is not what makes me happy. i love when I go to Wittenberg and I can hang out with my brothers and my old friends. I love hanging out and just having a good time but since I've been at Wright State, I've been struggling to really go out of my way to make friends. i guess I have never been one to go out of my way to make friends;i've always figured friendship will come naturally between two people. However, I'm also beginning to understand that in order to make friends, you have to leave your room or the computer! I still am so self-conscious to the point where it's easier to shy away from people than to be social - which I actually am! It just boggles me how I am so comfortable doing something that just isn't me. I dunno how to get out of my box. I don't know how to project my personality in efforts to make friends without coming across as desperate or as a loser. I just realize that I really need to be more social and stop being complacent just sitting around watching TV or on the computer when that's not who I am. Blah. I just get aggravated with myself, or should I say the old me, that just keeps me kind of hidden.

Sometimes I feel like I'm hiding myself for some big "reveal". It's like I'd rather not be open and outgoing until I'm "skinny". I don't know what it is, but it's like I don't accept myself (despite the fact that I look really really good) and I don't want others to like me until I'm smaller. My body image has been a huge issue for me lately. I am just really struggling to love my body and accept it when all I want to do is change it. I know that I look better and I feel more energized, but still a voice tells me that "in 10 more lbs you'll look even better". I'm afraid I'll never be good enough for myself. Sometimes I think I work so hard to lose weight for the wrong reasons. Yes, I want to be healthy, but I also want to appear more attractive and approachable and I just don't feel that right now. I don't want to be so vain, because I know there are other great qualities about myself, but I'm so scared to be out there and be the "real" me unless I've been drinking that I feel like the only way to really meet people is to be pretty. I wish I was as confident sober as I am when I'm drinking. When I'm drinking, no one can tell me sh!t. I'm a real diva. But sober, I'm a lot of fun still, but it takes a lot more effort for me to be close to that person. I just aggravate myself.

I really really REALLY need to work on my body image and my self-value. I need to realize I am worth WAY more than I accept for myself and that I am beautiful regardless of how imperfect I think I am.

Blah, life is so much easier when you pretend to be perfect.

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Note to self: there are plenty of other ways to say "di-va" without 4-inch heels.

Today, in an attempt to be diva-fied, I pulled out my 4-inchers and decided to...um...wobble/walk to work. I mean granted, I think the outfit is cute -HOWEVER- I am going to have to find new ways to feel cute.

Today's been an OK day! Nothing too exciting in my hood. I was going to weigh today but the number just didn't satisfy me so I decided to wait until tomorrow. hopefully tomorrow the scale will be full of glee and it will be 221.?. We'll see about that one though.

I'm so excited the BFF is back on CK! ASHARAF! I this girl!!! She's coming to visit me in t-minus 2 weeks and I'm pretty pumped. It's going to be fun. I'm sure she's going to bug me to get onto CK while she's here but that's OK. That's my boo! lol

So, I wish I had something as exciting as yesterday's 3 miles, but I don't. Tomorrow I will though so hopefully I'll have a great report (like maybe I did it faster! lol). Alright, if anything exciting happens within the next 8 hours, I'll be back to discuss my feelings more.

Later gators!!