9:03 pm
Today's workout was OK. I was able to push myself further (run 17 mins straight in comparison to 15) but after that, I had a really difficult time keeping up with the different intervals. I ended up doing the same as Monday, 45:00 min, 3.57 miles; 3.1 miles in 38:15 . I'm not necessarily discouraged, just ready for some big feat to make me feel like I'm actually making progress. Today has been a weird day. Not good, not bad, just weird. I've been really trying to shake my negative self-esteem and to really try to feel good about myself nad be proud of my health, but it's just been very difficult. My emotions keep going back and forth; one day, I'm a diva and no one can tell me anything and another, I'm self-loathing feeling fat just wishing I didn't think I was so gross. I want to fix this self-image issue so bad. I want to feel good about myself and what I'm doing. I guess this is all a process.

speaking of that, I've been thinking about not logging my exercise anymore. I want to log it so it will show it's done, but I don't want to log just to see how many calories I've "burned". I need to workout because I enjoy it, not just because I want to burn an optimal number of calories. I am really trying to evaluate why I am doing this so I can make sure - when I do get to my goal weight - that I can keep it off and be happy. I really just don't think I was prepared for this much emotional development. I want to be genuinely happy every day and not just on days when the number on the scale is low. I've come along way, but I certainly have a long way to go.

Anywho, I'm kinda feelin a little...blegh...today. I need to finish up this paper and then head home, especially considering I'm on duty.
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This morning I woke up with this weird anxiety because I told myself I was not going to weigh today. Actually, I tapped my toe and was like "eh, I'll start after weigh-in" but I decided that I didn't even want to know this morning because I knew I was going out to lunch with co-workers and I wouldn't want to see how the salt would affect my weight! So I accomplished (so far) day one of Project No-Weigh. It's day one and I already see how not stepping on the scale, or I should probably say stepping on the scale, affects me daily! I almost base my daily self-worth on that number. If it's too high, I must've not worked out hard enough. If it's too low, well, then it's a DI-VA day. I need to determine new ways of determining my fitness goals. I am not losing weight simply for a number on the scale; I am losing weight to be a healthier person. Well, at least that's what I'm telling myself. I'm thinking about setting up an appointment with someone in our counseling services because I feel my obsession with be healthy making me certified crazy and I think I just need someone to help me put this journey into perspective.

Last night's Work Out (the show) was OK. I cried like a real baby during the first 15 minutes. I was so sad. I feel like I lost Doug. The Sky Lab clients, eh, they didn't impress as much as I think they should have. From the way they described their program, they were on a hardcore diet and I just figured as much as they "worked out" and as little as they ate, everyone woulda lost 30+ lbs. I also don't know how long they did they're program but I'll assume at least three months. I dunno, I just wasn't impressed. Maybe they should all consider Calorie King.

Today I went out to lunch with my co-workers for Admins Professionals Day (which I believe was like two/three weeks ago) and we went to Chili's. I got the black bean burger and it actually turned out to be pretty good. I only ate 3/4s of it (I probably should have only eaten half, but I had the "well it's in front of me, I might as well eat it" mentality). It came with steamed veggies but all I ate was the broccoli. I had two tons of water while I was there and I was sooo full. Well, needless to say, after we left, I couldn't WAIT to get home because - all I'll say is, I had Raisin Bran w/a banana for breakfast and then the burger had 26g of fiber - so I was ready to...ahem...unload if you will.

Wednesdays are such busy days for me. I should be on my way to spanish but I need to do my homework before i get there. guess I'll just be a smidge late. I have a five-page paper to write tonight also. Woohoo. Oh well. Anywho, guess I should get to workin!!! Later