DBRAZIEL's CalorieKing blog
Thursday, May 10 2007
View DBRAZIEL's food & exercise for this day
I AM NOT FAT! I AM NOT FAT! I AM NOT FAT! I'm sorry ya'll, I'm sure you're not used to seeing me so nutso and down like this, but I haven't felt this crappy in some time. Why do I feel so fat?! Why do I feel so worthless and not good enough?! Why do I feel so unworthy? Why do I feel like if I don't lose this weight I'll never amount to my full potential? WHY AM I SO HARD ON MYSELF?!?! My self-esteem has just been pretty gutter lately. There's just so much going on in my head. Honestly, I think I know why I feel like this. I think I feel like this because I am so lonely here at school and I don't have anyone who can give me the positive affirmation that i strive off of. I don't really have a support group here to make me feel good about myself and the strides I've made. I am doing this alone. I have CK, and don't get me wrong it's fabulous, but I don't really have family, friends, or anyone to share this with me physically. I do everything alone and it's not by choice. I've started reaching out, going to programs on campus and trying to interact but interacting and going to these programs doesn't automatically bring friends. It's like I'm making all this effort and nothing is happening. It's like I got smaller for all the wrong reasons. I'm just not a happy person this week. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm pissed, I'm confused. I'm trying to make sense of all of this transitioning that my mind and body are doing and nothing is adding up. I hate feeling like this. I
when I can be the usual funny, silly, Denita but she has just left the building completely. It's like she's playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark and I can't freakin find her. I'm miserable today. I hope when I wake up tomorrow, I wake up feeling rejuvenated and...well...not fat. Pray for me ya'll.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Weigh-In: 218.0 
Yay for a big drop! I dunno what got into the scale today, but I know I was happy to see that! Memorial Day Goal = in the bag.
Today's been an OK day. I'm kind of in a self-loathing mood for some reason. I'm anxious to see the residence services counselor tomorrow (still praying I can get in there tomorrow) because I've been feeling kinda down lately. I dunno, I 'm just not happy with myself and I feel gross and I really really need someone to just put everything into perspective from me. I'm really sick of feeling ugly and fat when I know I'm not either of those things. Blah. My mind is playing some serious tricks on me and I'm going to need it to cut it out.
I've noticed when i get in these self-loathing moods that a voice in my head just keeps repeating the problem in my head. Even when I try to break the cycle, that same voice tells me that I'm all of these really terrible adjectives that keeps me feeling down. I hate that voice in my head and I've never really acknowledged it until recently. I think I've had it all my life but I've always had some other vice to make it go away or at least forget about it = food. Now, I don't have food and because a root of my issues is in feeling fat, the last thing I want to do is eat. I'm not going to lie, my head is worrying me. I mean, I'm not walking around like a certified psycho like you never know what I'll do next, but in my mind I just feel really uneasy and like my state of mind just isn't in a state of equilibrium. I'd really like some peace and reassurance in my head right about now.
Anywho, My hair is soooooo nappy! I can't wait until tomorrow (=pay day) so I can buy a relaxer. I can't wait until the summer so I can have some extra money. I'm so sick of stressing about money. I'm not even going to touch that subject because that'll put me in a foul mood.
The bestest is coming into town next Wednesday and I'm pretty excited about it. I hate not having money when we hang out or when she comes to visit. It just stresses me out. She and I live two very different lifestyles since she works full time and I'm in school and i honestly worry that maybe my poor life won't be satisfying enough. I mean, she says she doesn't care but in the back of my mind I still can't help but feel bad because I feel like I'm not doing enough "entertaining" or being a good friend.
I honestly think that a huge source of all this manic activity in my head is I am just really stressed. Stressed with work, stressed by my body/self-image, stressed with family, stressed financially, etc. All this stress isn't allowing me to really let go and have a good time. All I can ever thinking about is 1)being skinny, 2)having money, and 3)socialization of all forms. Blah.
I really don't feel like working out today. Part of me is telling me I need to so I can relieve some stress, but part of me is telling me that I should just go home and not worry about it today. I already planned on not working out tomorrow but I think I may just take today off. I really need some "me" time and the gym is just not where it's going to be spent today. Blah. I need to lift this load!!
Anyways, it's time to leave work. Maybe I'll be back later. 
13 comments so far.
13.
a decade ago
I know that I am commenting a little late on this blog but who cares I just read it! Anyway it feels good to me to know that other people esp. around my age go through the same things that I go through. I cant tell you how many times I have cried and fussed at myself and cried somemore over my weight. Dont get me wrong I do have a wonderful bf who loves me regardless but when we met(5 years ago) I was not at my current weight and I know that he would love to see me smaller, so I was thinking like you about losing weight for all the wrong reasons. It really wasnt until I read your blog the first day before I joined and I was like dang this girl can do it! Then you know what Brit you can too. I havent even told anyone besides my mom that I was even doing it cause I dont want me people being like oh you on a "diet" again huh well we are going to see how long she stick with this. I havent even told my bf either. Hopefully he will pick up on it when he gets back today but if he doesnt I guess the results and the change in my attitude and lifestyle will show him. I just wanted you to know that you are beautiful no matter what weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have been a hero to sooooo many woman and maybe even some men too! So dont feel down about being alone or feel like you are alone cause you have US and one day soon you will meet that prince charming who will sweep you off your feet and confirm for you that you are a queen and that your beatiful now at whatever weight that you are!!!!
BRIT
by LILBRITNEE
12.
a decade ago
hang in there! You are a beautiful girl and have made amazing progress. Not many people can say that they made a life changing decision like you have. I think we all go through the negative issues.....we're all here for you! YOU ROCK!
by RACEGIRL72
11.
a decade ago
you have to look at how far you've come in the self-love, D ... I struggle with this, too. all. the. time. (except when I'm running - that's the ONLY time I'm not poking at some part of me and groaning). Think about the bad you feel about yourself NOW (when you're doing soooo well), and think about the bad you felt about yourself before (when you weren't). Haven't you made a BOAT-load of progress? You have. You are AWESOME.
:kiss: Even when you're down, Denita, you are awesome.
by SFARRANT
10.
a decade ago
by CYNTHIALS
9.
a decade ago
by BIGGRAMMA
8.
a decade ago
Denita, you have come so far and done so much good for yourself. I know college can be lonely, but it really might help if you can get in there with that counselor tomorrow. You are awesome, and if you keep reaching out to others, the friendships will come. It may just be that most of the folks out there just aren't good enough to be friends with YOU!
:D
by ZUMBALOVE
7.
a decade ago
When I was in law school I went to see one of the counselors at the health center for some marital issues, stress, etc... Do they have any of those there? If so, go speak to one. If nothing else, you can just get your thoughts out there. Everything is changing for you sweetie.
:kiss: and 
:love:
by MOM22SONZ
6.
a decade ago
You got your dip babes!
:kiss: Good for you. You know that I know exactly what you are saying. It takes time to get perspective on all this stuff. I am here for you. You know that. Get that nappy stuff taken care of. I am getting the fro trimmed tomorrow. 
:bigeyes3:
by MOM22SONZ
5.
a decade ago
Just
:kiss:
Sandra
by SANDGEE
4.
a decade ago
dear you.. really have no time to answer you properly! rushing back to work.. but I have a suggestion that YOU inspired me with! that I know will help you because you chose it.. it touched you before: go back and read your very very first signature quote, Denita- Mandela's powerful words. ((big cyberhug)) it's no accident you are feeing these things when you are succeeding beyond your own expectations.. you take care, little one
:) these feelings WILL pass..
by WESTWIND
3.
a decade ago
first off..."pretty excited?"
:kiss:
second...i've already told you that i don't have money to blow either. every meal except for about two will be spent at home and we can go to the bar one night. i know that what you're doing now is preparing you for the future, why would i judge the fact that you don't have hundreds to blow on food and alcohol? i just want to spend time with you (no homo...lol, j/k). as for your emotional well being? i think if you do have that meeting with the counselor tomorrow it will open your eyes to the "real" problem and definitely help you get to the root. i wish i could help you more! all i can say is, "i love you and we will get through this together!"
by ASHARAF
2.
a decade ago
btw in addition to what I just said, I did discuss my emotional issues with my closest friends so that they understood it was hard for me to deal with. They stopped making a big deal out of my weight loss and in some ways that really helped me.
:kiss:
by CYNTHIALS
1.
a decade ago
Somebody needs to write a book (or maybe they already have) on the emotional issues that come up when a person loses a lot of weight. I know that many people battle with this and arent prepared for it. The first time I lost weight, back in '96, this was a hard issue for me to overcome. Everyone making such a big deal of my weight loss made me feel like less of a person....like 'I'm the same girl I was xx pounds ago, you didn't like me then?" So, I know what you are feeling and let me reassure you that it will pass. It will definitely help to have someone to talk to, they will probalby have some good suggestions for how you can better cope with it. Anyway, congrats on the weigh in! I am not sure how much you are down this week but it must be a lot since you are so stoked!
:kiss:
by CYNTHIALS