Self-Esteem & Mind Games

I don't really know how to explain my mood today. I'm a little bit of everything: agitated, hopeful, frustrated, pensive, motivated, annoyed, defeated, excited, anxious, you name it. I got on the scale this AM after my workout (I've come to the conclusion that the scale = self-esteem suicide) and it was 218.6 or some bullsh*t and I just don't get it. I think this is my body's payback for all the bullsh*t I've put it through binging on weekends and then trying to work it off like a mad woman on weekdays. I've made a goal for myself to stay on plan minus 2 days until June 23rd (5K day). I'm so anxious about this race and my sh*tty runs have had me feeling defeated to the point that I don't want to do it but I know that I need to do it. Giving up is the old me telling me "I'm not good enough". I guess I just need to re-focus and try to get these runs back up to speed. However, my shins have been kinda sore and I'm nervous I could be getting shin splints despite the fact that I've been stretching before my runs & warming up so I'm just nervous about that. I just wish I could be like 213 right now so I could feel better. I feel like I'm never going to get down to 213 or 210 and it's agitating. But then, I get annoyed and agitated and it's like, "well, what are you going to do about it?!" Give up on the program and yourself? No. Binge into obliteration? No. starve yourself? No.

I guess i just need an outlet for my frustration. I'm excited as I become more social and meet more people that soon I'll have a social outlet so I don't have so much alone time to think about my life. I was walking on campus today in shorts and despite my frustrations with the scale, I have on shorts from high school that are LOOSE. I mean, how frustrated can I be? I'm smaller than I was my senior year of HS. My pictures show that I look great. Why can't I just be satisfied? And as much as I say I want a relationship or a cuddle buddy, I'm afraid that if I got that I'd let my eating and the plan go to hell, so maybe I'm not ready for that yet. I guess I just have a lot on my mind today and I'm trying to be as positive as i can but it's just tough. I'm sure I'll get over it. My problems are minute compared to what other people are going through.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Can somebody say that today's workout SUCKED?!?! Man, I tried to do a run today but I got distracted and I just couldn't concentrate or breathe properly and I just felt defeated the minute I started. It was SO humid in the gym this morning, it's hard to run when you're uncomfortable. I only did 15 mins (5 walk, 7 run, 3 walk) and I was so annoyed! I feel like I'm going backwards in my training for this race and it almost makes me not want to do it if I can't meet my personal goals. Then I did the Arc Trainer for 30 (which was then changed to 45 to meet my 1hr cardio requirement) and that sucked. I hate doing the Arc after running but I had to do my cardio somehow and I just could not get into it. It really ticked me off. i hate sh*tty workouts. I need to put some new music on my mp3 somehow so I can at least have new music to listen to. I think this summer I am going to buy an Ipod cuz the one i have now is annoying the sh*t outta me. I am also over this "gym crush" thing. I think it's distracting and, to be honest, I don't feel like putting any more energy into dreaming about the seemingly unattainable if it's going to affect my workout. So yea, unless I see gym crush outside of the gym, there's no more lusting.

As always, another busy day in front of me. I sure hope this crappy workout doesn't set the tone for the rest of my day.

Oh yea, and if anyone has any advice on how to "fix" my "training" for this dang race or just ways to improve, any advice would be especially helpful. Thanks!