It's Friday...Wahoo? I'm super excited that it's friday; however, I am not excited that I'm on primary duty ALL WEEKEND again I hate primary duty. It's so darn boring and I can't leave unless I pass the duty phone off to someone and it's just WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I sure can't wait for this weekend to be over. Better yet, I can't wait for it to be NEXT weekend! It's my mom's birthday and I hear she's coming to Springfield for her bday and I can't wait to see her! I'm going to have to get a new ID ASAP cuz I hate not having an ID! I also need to find out how much my ticket is so I can pay that when I get my refund...if I ever get my freakin financial aid!

Whatev. So, I have this really bad habit of comparing myself to "prettier" girls. It's a new habit, but it's a very irritating habit. I see all these pictures of all of these girls who I perceive to be prettier and in better shape than me and it puts me back in a bad place of self-loathing and self-pity and greasy food. I want to feel "pretty" and "good enough" but I'm struggling to feel it for myself. I can say one thing, but think something COMPLETELY different in my head. Is it possible to be confident with low self-esteem? I don't know either. Some days I think I'm attractive, while other days I think I'm a vile ogre that looks like Shrek. I really really really need to fix something in my mind ASAP because these damn voices in my head that keep yelling "ugly!" and "fat!" need to be squashed immediately.

Well, I have to close up here at work, so I'll probably be back later because I'll be bored out of my mind. Later!

back ten minutes later...
Why is it when I self-loathe I immediately get hungry and torture myself with things that will make me eat like $h!t? I was on the Chipotle website for about 5 minutes until I realized I need to get OFF that site and ON calorie king to blog instead of dream about fatty foods. I just don't understand what's wrong in this big ol' head of mine. Why do I feel so...gross? I don't know how to change this feeling. I feel so inadequate and cheap. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to validate being me. It's like ME isn't good enough for me. I think just being so lonely is taking a toll on me. I don't really have anyone here. No one to go hang out with or watch a movie with or anything. My days are all the same. Class - work- gym- home. And then on top of that are the largo responsibilities of being a CA and it just drives me bonkers how I am so busy and yet so lonely. I just get so mad at myself sometimes! Why can't I accept myself as I am? Why can't I look in the mirror and see a beautiful, smart, driven woman who doesn't care what other people think? Why can't I accept that I'm sarcastic with a smart mouth but a big heart? Why do I give so much when nothing is being asked of me? I just have so many questions and so few answers. I hope my workout today can give me some solace or something. I really don't even want to workout today but I know I need to: not just because I've been eating like $h!t this past week, but because I need the "me" time.

I'm so aggravated with myself...