I'm just not feeling well mentally. My self-esteem took a nose dive this weekend and I'm really struggling to pick myself back up. I want to get on track but fat Denita is telling me "i'm not worth it anymore." I have to to face fat Denita head on. I just ignore her and pray that she goes away and she just won't. She continues to keep me down and she continues to remind me of how much I have hated myself and in the past and how I will continue to. She reminds me that I am not good enough for me. I just hate fat Denita and everything she represents but I still nurture fat Denita because I want her to get well, and just when I think she's asleep she wakes up screaming and reminding me she's still alive and kicking. I hate how much I scrutinize myself and how much I degrade myself and I never allow myself to accomplish anything because fat Denita. Fat Denita does NOT like skinny Denita. Fat Denita is everything skinny Denita is not: manipulative, selfish, self-loathing, angry, and sad. Skinny Denita is almost like a little girl who is still incredibly impressionable and doesn't know how to react to the world she lives in. She feels lost but sure but is in need of guidance, and Fat Denita just wants to Skinny Denita to not feel welcome in this world. Fat Denita reminds skinny Denita that she is still not acceptable by society's standards, her eczema makes her disgusting, and that no matter how much weight she loses she'll still be F-A-T. Fat Denita is trying to take over and ultimately "kill" skinny Denita.

As you can see, emotionally and mentally I'm dealing with a lot and it has been a HUGE struggle today to get back on track and to kick Fat Denita's ass and just stop with the excuses and the self-loathing. I just can't seem to get myself out of this funk. It's like when you pass gas and no matter how fast you try to walk it follows you I know, that's gross but it's the only analogy I can think of! I'm trying to do a lot of self-reflection today so I can stop feeling like a bastardly, eczema-infected cow and start to TRY to feel like a beautful Denita. Man, if only it were as easy as it is to type.