Worn thin...

I'm so worn out. I feel like i have been "supporting" people and trying to do things for friends & family and I'm just tired. A friend of mine who's been jobless for almost three months here at school and - while I don't mind it because I know she needs it - it's just aggravating because I'm all she has and I just feel like she ALWAYS needs something. And unfortunately, I'm all she has - her family doesn't really financially support her - so I really try to do everything in my power to make sure she is a s comfortable as possible. It's not like she hasn't been looking for a job or anything, cuz she has been looking, but I just can't understand how she still doesn't have a job. I know she's frustrated by her situation, but I don't think she truly understands how much her situation affects my situation. I can't just "give up" on her and be like "fend for yourself" but I am just like, can I please just be able to live WITHOUT having to worry about what someone else needs first? She doesn't really ask for anything, but - knowing that I'm pretty much all she has - I can't just not help.

Then, my brother has been using my car since his has been broken and i feel like I have to always worry about if he needs to get back and forth to work and I have been trying to do things so that he doesn't have to stress so much about everything he is going through but I'm just getting worn from this too. I just can't WAIT for him to have his car fixed so I don't have to worry about what he may/may not need.

I just feel like I'm losing myself. I'm doing everything for everybody else and not for me. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just getting overwhelmed with people relying so much on what little I have and I feel like I'm my last priority. I want to do things for myself, but I am always thinking about what other people might need and how i can make someone else feel better without thinking about myself and quite frankly I'm just extremely overwhelmed. How am I supposed to take care of myself when I feel like I'm expected to "take care" of others?!

I have given so much of myself to the people I care about and I just keep telling myself that someday someone will pay it forward to me, but I'm just like "COME ON JESUS! GIVE ME A BREAK!" My brother "bought" a laptop from my dad and then I told my brother I'd buy the laptop from him and he could just give that money to my dad, and my dad asked my brother "well, when is Denita going to give me the money?" In my mind, I'm thinking, Lord, I have done SO much for others, why can't he just GIVE me the laptop? He is always so proud of me and so this & that, but he can't give me a stinkin laptop? I rarely ever ask for anything from anyone, and I just don't understand how he can be so persistent about it when he knows that I've been doing so much to help out my brother. And no one really knows about how much I've been helping my friend out. People probably think i'm just broke just because, but I really haven't been spending that much money on myself.

I just feel like running away or hiding out so that no one can find me and no one can ask me for a "favor". I'm sick of feeling like I'm my last priority and I'm sick of feeling so depended on. I'm so stressed because I feel like I have to carry everyone else's stress alongside my own and I'm just feeling like i'm on the verge of a minor breakdown or something. I really try not to talk about what i do because I feel like talking about it means it didn't come from the right place. I'm not trying to brag or boast about what I do for other people and in the rare instances that I do bring it up, I usually try to change the subject becuase I don't want anyone to feel bad, but I just feel like as much as I give, I should at least get something in return, even if it isn't monetary. Like I said, I know everyone appreciates what I've done for them, but sometimes "thank you" just isn't enough.


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Today has been much improved. My brother and I had a conversation yesterday about "The Secret" that i don't necessarily agree with, but it made me realize that I really need to choose my attitude. Being in a bad mood = For the longest I have thought I was "taking care of myself" by losing weight, but that was really only taking care of the physical part. I have been ignoring my mental and emotional self and I really need to take care of that. I'm not quite sure where to start, but I need to start somewhere.

So far, my summer classes have been OK. I've got some suimmer lovin' crushes in some of my classes so it kinda inspires me to go to class. Hey, you've gotta get your inspiration SOMEWHERE! I got my grades and I wasn't too happy. I was more or less just disappointed in myself because I should've tried a little harder. Oh well. They weren't bad - three Bs and 1 C. Too late to worry now.

Anywho, I'll write more when I'm not distracted. I you all soo freakin' much!