I am so annoyed right now. I know that me being aggravated by this issue is purely selfish on my part and there's really no reason to be so upset, but I really am. And i don't even know why I'm writing about this in my public blog but I am just so aggravated and this is the first place I came to.

So this weekend, Lauren was supposed to come up and we were supposed to go to my brothers football game. I was uber excited about it. Then my mom said she was going to come up which, made me feel a little uncomfortable but nothing too big. THEN, my mom just calls me and tells me that my grandfather, his wife, his daughter, and her daughter will be coming up as well. So then I'm like, "hmmm, well I guess that's cool". But then I'm kinda salty because I really wanted Lauren to come up and, considering the drama surrounding Lauren and I lately I guess it may not be a good idea to have her come and be around ALL of this family. But then, it pissed me off because my mom is like "well, if you're comfortable in your own skin then it shouldn't matter what you think" and I totally take it as her being facetious because she SAYS one thing in my face, but will say something completely different when she's talking to other people. One thing about my mom is she's one of those people that will smile in your face but have a totally different story to tell once you're gone. So, then she goes on to say "well, it's not like you'll kiss in front of people or anything" and I just think, "and what if I do?!" Like, she tries to say she "accepts" me but I know she doesn't. She always makes these stupid ass comments all the time about me dating men and so when she made those comments, I just wanted to tell her to shut the hell up because she's being phony and fake. And I guess in theory, i could always tell Lauren to just come up next weekend because I have a lot of family coming up and I should spend time with them, but at the same time I don't want to do that but I don't want everyone else to feel uncomfortable or like I'm being "tacky" but I can't help but think that if my brothers had girlfriends that it would be OK and not "tacky". And then, on top of that, no one in my family really likes Lauren because they know we've been having some issues lately, but then again I don't know if they'd have the same thoughts if I were straight.

It's just frustrating! I don't know if I'm thinking too much into this or what and if I'm just being a baby, but I am just incredibly annoyed right now. I almost don't even want to go to this damn game but I know I should especially since everyone will be there but I always feel like as much as I love my family when it comes to my sexuality they just talk about me behind my back and even if Lauren does or does not come, there's still a larger issue of my family being phony. And I really really want her to come down. I don't know what the hell to do. I want her to come but I feel like everyone's going to talk about me if she does come. I swear if I could be straight I would.