I want to get myself together so badly. Sometimes, I don't understand why I continue to hurt myself and hold myself back from being what I'm capable of. The other day, my best friend asked me a question that I've been asking myself daily, "Could you really quit drinking just all of a sudden?" At first, I said, "yes." Then I thought, and I realized the answer in reality is "No." If I'm around alcohol, I want some. And I don't want just one, I want at least 4. And it's not like I drink every day, but I'm most definitely a binge drinker. If I'm going to drink, I want to be drunk. It's almost like it's easier to face the world if I've been drinking. I'm starting to realize that I may be an alcoholic but I don't want to admit it. I feel like alcoholics are the people on Intervention who wake up drinking and go to sleep by passing out. But I'm not that, I'm a functioning alcoholic. And it's crazy because I'm supposed to be a role model to these students at school as a Community Advisor but no one knows that I have an alcohol abuse problem. Part of me wants to quit drinking, part of me doesn't know how I'm going to face the world in the future without it. It's like, I tell myself that one day I'll "need" it. I think, "when I get married, I'll want champagne" and there's always an excuse for wine or champagne because, in my mind, that's much better than beer or liquor. But I remember times when I'd be at home with my mom and she'd make mimosas and I'd be so excited because then it would be excusable to drink in the morning. And I remember I was at a family reunion over the summer and someone brought alcohol and, once again, since other people were doing it, it was excusable to be drunk during the day.

Sometimes I look at my family (mom & bros) and I realize we all love to have our drinks. Mostly though, I see so much of myself in my mom. I never knew it, but my mom "has a drink" to celebrate, when she's stressed, after a long week - she always has a reason to have a drink. I don't think she's as bad as me, but I think that I know where my love for alcohol comes from. When I was at home over break, my mom would always keep a bottle of vodka in the refridgerator so I always had access when i was home. Then, I had friends at home who smoked weed, so if I didn't have alcohol, I'd smoke. And then Lauren smoked Woo, so I smoked Woo. Part of me smoked with Lauren because I thought that maybe if I did it too that she would get upset with herself for letting me do it and quit. But to be honest, I wanted to do it also. Why drink and have a hangover if you can do a drug and it'll be gone in a few hours? It's crazy. I'm a classic numb-er. I'm twenty-two freakin' years old and I'm in denial/disbelief that I really have a problem. It's embarrassing.

I don't know why I'm hurting so much. I don't know where it's coming from. Part of it is probably me feeling like a failure. Part of it is probably me feeling like I'll never be good enough. Part of it is probably unresolved issues with my father. I know I need to go back to counseling. I know I need to start going to the gym. I know I need to stop smoking (cigarettes). I know I need to stop binge eating. All these things I know, but instead I stay "safe" - which, by the way, I don't even think is "safe" anymore, just convenient - and just keeping...going. Is it really considered "going" if you're standing still?

I'm kind of overwhelmed with it all and I have no idea how to stop this vicious cycle.