So, here I am on Christmas Day evening having eating so much food!!!!!!!! I couldn't even begin to record my calories intake, because I ate so much today. The sad thing is that I didn't really enjoy what I ate today or yesterday for that matter. My stomach doesn't feel full, but I do feel uncomfortable and my stomach has been making gurgling noises. I know that I have gained weight, but I DO NOT want to get on the scale. It's going to suck, the number is going to rise, and I'm going to hate myself that much more.

I feel like I am in this vicious cycle that I can't stop. I asked my sister today how she has lost weight in the past (she's super little). She gave me some great types. The only thing is that they are all things that I already know. It's not that I don't know what to do to loose the weight. It's that I just don't do them. I don't journal on a regular basis. I don't exercise regularly. I don't blog or check forums. I don't drink enough water. I don't plan all my meals a head of time. I don't make healthy or reasonable choices when I go out to eat. I don't take time for myself. I don't plan time to exercise. I don't stop eating after 7 or 8 o'clock at night. I don't always eat breakfast. I don't eat healthy foods. I don't.........know what to do next.

My husband and I are going to St. Lucia for vacation this March. I'm super excited and know that I will feel horrible about myself if I weigh this much and look like this when we go. It doesn't seem to matter how bad I feel about myself, I'm not at all motivated more to make the necessary changes to loose this weight. Why is that? Why? I don't understand.

I continually put other people and things above myself. It's more important to me that other people are happy than myself. I often think that if others are happy then I can be happy. However, I know this is not true. How can I be happy with others if I'm not happy with myself.

Why do I eat so much? I eat when I'm hungry, sad, lonely, excited, happy, frustrated, depressed, anxious, etc. I eat all the time. So, does this mean that there is something else going on inside of me? HELP!!! I don't know!!!!!! What I know is that I am miserable! But I continue to eat.....