I've been doing a lot of organizing and tossing lately. Its been my way of keeping my hands busy and out of the kitchen. I feel like the clutter, even in the closets are slipping away and it feels good. I've even done some spring cleaning in the pantry. Getting rid of those not so great snacks. The ones with high fructose corn syrup which only seem to make me want to eat more. I don't know for sure that its the culprit...it could be that I have a food issue or that for the last few months, I haphazardly journal on CK. But in any case I feel like this has been a very long, long process of getting into the mindset of getting healthy again. I get real focused for 2 days and then either I "forget" to log my calories, or I "missed" my class at the gym.

But on Saturday, I did something drastic. I cleared my closet of all clothes that didn't fit me. It left me with gym clothes, one pair of jeans, one skirt, two pairs of capris and a handful of shirts I would wear in public, the rest are t-shirts. See, the reality is, something happened during the end of the year (which I haven't figured out yet) in which for the first time ever, I put on 15lbs in a span of 8 weeks. I have never been able to do that, even if I tried. I've been the same weight for years (and after my twins were born, I was the same weight for the two years they've been alive), so to put on this much weight in this amount of time is extremely depressing. And as much as I hate that I literally have a handful of clothes that really fit now and a ton that will fit minus 15lbs, 20lbs, 40lbs. I was kidding myself by having those smaller clothes in my closet. So...I packed them up in a big bin. When my current clothes are too big, I can pull out the next smaller size. No more kidding myself that I can squeeze into those clothes. I can't. I don't look good or feel good in them.

So, gym clothes are all that fit me. That pretty much insures that I either walk around looking like a complete slob, or I get my tail into gear and into the gym. I've mapped out the classes I'm taking this week. I have my dinners planned and I'm determined to get into more than one pair of jeans. I have some really cute shorts and capri's I'd like to get back into. And don't worry, I'm not buying any new clothes in my current size. This is a short visit and I refuse to invest any money in it. I'd rather have a whole new wardrobe in a reasonable, healthy size.

Its a long annoying road. I'm focusing on what I've done well day by day.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how I'm ensuring that I take the time to taste my food instead of scarf it down like I usually do.