What a weekend! OMG - struggle with hunger all weekend long. Totally blew it yesterday with brunch, well actually, saturday wasn't much better! I had a good meeting with my personal trainer on Saturday though. We talked about goals, food and exercise. He suggested that I actually write my goals down and put them up everywhere, at work, by the bed, in the bathroom, on the frig, etc. This will keep my goals in front of me at all times. He said to make sure that they are realistic though, this will help prevent severe disappointment when it's not met and keep me from drastically sliding backwards. So that's what I'm going to be doing tonight, making a list of goals for myself.

Emotionally, I'm struggling. Ron and I had an arguement over sex yesterday that was so stupid. I was proud of myself in the fact that I didn't allow myself to become enraged over it. He was the one with the issue, not me. He wanted me to perform a certain sex act and I didn't want to do it. So I very nicely told him that I didn't want to do that but I would more than willing to perform other things for him. He got disappointed and actually started pouting and acting like a little kid not getting his way. Then he proceeded to mope the rest of the day and even started to ignore me because I said no. I could understand this type of behavor better if he wasn't getting any sex at all but he's had something almost every night this week. Then today, I attempted to talk to him about his extreme behavior. I asked him at what point was it okay for me to say "no" to something without him going into this disappointment mode/immature attitude. Would you believe he said that it was never ok to say no? I was so shocked that he actually said that. I dropped the subject after that becuase, at that point, it's like talking to a wall. I'm so discouraged. I refuse to allow him and his immaturity to affect me and my goals. I was just hurt that he made such a simple issue into a mountain and for what? I don't understand. So I'm going to drop it, not mention it again, give him space and just pray that God works in him to deal with that whole situation.

Work has been very slow lately. I think I might have to look for a different job because I'm tired of being bored at work. It's constantly slow and they never have enough for me to do but won't let me go home either. I love the company I work for but being bored wastes their money and my time. And not to mention that when I'm bored, I want to eat. So far today, I've been doing ok, although I ate a huge lunch, which I could of cut in half. I'll pray about the job situation as well.

Tomorrow's my birthday and I'm just not looking forward to turning 41. My 40th was easier than facing tomorrow. Or maybe it's just that 40 somethings are just now hitting me, who knows. All I know is that, not only am I not wanting to face tomorrow but I also don't want to be disappointment for another year. 9 times out of 10, I end up celebrating my birthday alone, arguing with hubby or getting gifts that just really, really suck. How hard it is really to give some one a gift that they really want? I provide lists of things I want, even tell them where they can purchase it and it's always very inexpensive. I think I've only had a couple of birthday cakes over the last 20 years. So here I am, getting ready to celebrate another one......well, I guess I can celebrate by exercising and losing weight. This way I don't feel guilty about eating birthday cake. Beside I think I want to look pretty and be thin rather than stay the way I am. I just don't understand why my birthday isn't important to my family. I always get gifts and cards for my family, and they always appreciate it, or at least they claim too. I don't know.

So anyways, I'm sorry for the book, I'm just having a downer day and this helps me vent and get it off my chest. Well we met again my friends.......